Hitzlsberger out, Hargreaves in, Liverpool survive

So it looks like the Scousers are going to survive. Damn shame but that's life! On the other hand how about the injustice of Hitzlsberger not being back for action yet. Damn shame The Hammers could use a quality player like him back in action, especially a World Cup winning player. It is always the international friendlies that fuck the clubs up the arse! and lets face it when your down like The Hammers are right now, things always keep going wrong! I am bitter about this one, especially now our relegation battle competitors Liverpool seem to be getting their act together. I know, I know, they ain't going to be down our end of the table for long - but we can only hope and prey can't we!

Also, Hargreaves is back! Proper, bitter sweet about this one! On one hand, how come United get their player back and ours still out...we are the one's that need the lift! On the other hand, last time I saw Hargreaves play he was fucking quality and England could def use that - enough of Barry, bring back the Canadian!

Larissa Riquelme my new favourite star of World Cup 2010

So I woke up this morning, the first time in a long time with a clear head. The hangover had gone and the shits have stopped. I am now able to function again! Still no sign of the other lads though! I finally leave my disgusting, smelly bedroom and wander down to the pool. Still no sign of them! I walk into the lobby to see Butters sitting there with just a sock on his cock for clothing, black marker writing all over him, and dribble pouring from his mouth. He was gone, the boy was asleep and completely out of it. I looked over the receptionist, gorgeous little Affie bird! She just gave me a knowing smile and turned away. I then slapped Butters around the face, fucking hard I must say - the Affie receptionist jumped and yelped, the slap was that loud. Butters fucking jumped out his chair ready to throw some punches - being finally of clear mind, and Butters being completely fucked still - I was able to simply move out the way of his fist and push him back on the chair.
"Butters you wanker! It's me!"
"Oh, alright mate?"
"Where the fuck have you been?"
"I have been at some mental Uruguay party...fucking crazy...they made huge hands and were trying to drink using huge hands...the Valdez drinking game - if you dropped any you were out and had to down a dirty pint...they are mental mate!"

Butters went on to explain to me what had been happening over the last few days, where they had all been and what I had got up to! It would seem that all our worries about Butters going over board were misdirected, it was me that had gone crazy. The night of the England vs Germany game, and the subsequent demolishing of my World Cup hopes I had gone mental! I had got into a complete drunken and drug fueled craze that night, so much so that I really started to piss them all off when I was demanding to go find hookers (Gaz is not so up for this activity any more). Apparently I was certain it was the pick me up that we all needed! In the end they told me to go off and do it my fucking self, which I assume I did given the state of my yesterday. I will add, today I have proactively been to the toilet and wait the results tomorrow - I am sure I will be fine! I hope!

"Look at the fucking jugs on this one!" shouted Gaz as he strolled in, interupting Butters telling me how they had seen me around the hotel the last few days but I was on such a mind-warp I barely acknowledged them as I downed another pint or snoted another line, or welcomed another hooker - apparently there was 3!
"She is fucking beautiful!" Daz added intellectually.
The both had newspapers held open in front of them as they walked in.
"Apparently she was going to strip if Paraguay won the tournament! Well now I really hate those fucking Spics!" Gaz said in a childish manner of disbelief.
"Whose that then?" Butters asked as he climed out the sofa, seemingly unashamed that all he had on was a sock over his cock and he was covered in writing.
"Woahhh what the fuck!" Gaz jumped back surprised to see Butters in such a state (apparently they went to seperate parties last night). On the plus side Gaz dropped his paper as he jumped back and it landed open on my feet and with that I saw the lady of my dreams.

Larissa Riquelme - Not only a stunning lingerie model, but a football fan as well! She had promised to streak around a football pitch if Paraguay lifted the cup, she has been spotted celebrating with the crowds in Paraguay throughout - she also has amazing jubblies! I now love this women and must one day meet her! It was over our mutual love for Larissa Riquelme (I like to say the whole name) that I re-bonded with my mates, and assured them I was now over England's loss. I also told them about the bet, how much money I owed, and the threatening texts I has recieved. This made the lads understand my drunken downfall a lot more. They agree though...I am really fucked!

World Cup 2010: The Backlash of England's defeat, the Joy of the Germans

So I am sorry it has been a while since my last message...I must say I have not reacted well to England's defeat. Well to be fair, would you have if you had all I had riding on this. I have essentially fallen into an uncontrollable drunken and drugged up mess...living it up in S.Africa as if it is my last days, which essentially it is. The only thing that has broken up my drink and drug binge is fucking and football...the two most important f's!! and to be fair, the binge has often carried on through them! Orgasms on E...my new favourite thing!

Well at least we now all know why England were soo shit...and they did take shit too a whole new level! Though good to see Argentina get completely wanked over as well! We aren't the only team the Germans have thrashed, though it does now mean the two teams I backed for winning the bloody thing have bombed out! Don't ever listen to me! So yeah the rumours have been flying around recently about the sack of spuds that we call our national football team. Word is (and I feel I should re-iterate that these are pure rumours gathered in pubs full of drunken and annoyed England fans), Wayne Rooney was in Rio Ferdinand's restaurant the day before the game and well the News of The World got photos of him 'doing' things that he should not have! Things he has been caught doing before! There are also rumours surrounding the captain, mr 'stevie g' - dickhead that he is - being the third choice for captain doesn't leave him in good stead but when rumours arise of him 'doing' things that he should not be, this can only bring down his authority more. Which supposedly it did with first class prick John Terry deciding that if he had his captaincy taken away so should Gerrard - think about it Terry, it weren't a fucking team mates bird (just a relatives apparently)! I say again these are vicious rumours...but christ they didn't half play like something was on their minds!

All the time they are having the time of their fucking lives, well done for leaving the WAGs at home Capello that worked loads didn't it, I have had about 50 texts from Big John back in London - he wants his money the day of my return! I have no money! I have a plane ticket back home and a shit load of coke! I plan to snort every last bit of the coke through my rolled up ticket!

So as I mentioned I woke up today and noticed the room is a fucking shambles, I am a little worried about what has happened to Daz, Gaz and Butters - no sign at all. All that is in the room is a shit load of used condoms...a message written in lipstick on the mirror saying "Great fuck! Thanks x x " - this makes me grin like a chimp! There are half done lines of coke on every fucking surface...shambles of money strewn across the room (I really hope I didn't fuck an Aid's hooker!)...and no sign of anyone else. And I can barely remember anything after the E I dropped after the Germany game. I remember fucking this black beauty at one point!! Pointy tiny nipples is the memory that most stands out! We were on E so assume that was the first night, and assume that was her lipstick! You might say I am a little calm, to be fair - those three are probably out pissed now. I have stayed in on a recovery day today, watched the football and exploded into the toilet all day! I need a plan of how to find those guys and then what to do about Big John!

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The Group Stage Hangover: A.K.A Dildos, Coke and World Cup Magic

Oh my days the sun in S.Africa is destroying my eyes! It is burning my soul and reminding me of the ways I have degraded myself over the last couple of days! Sorry I have not posted in a couple of days, but frankly I have been going rather crazy! England are through and we had to celebrate! And we fucking well did!!

So I went and found my bird! I pulled this New Zealand chick, if I had of known they were so fucking mental maybe I wouldn't have! Me, Butters, Daz and Gaz hit the town. Daz eye was not so swollen any more, my bruising had pretty much gone, Gaz's STD had been taken care of(and he had decided no pubes made him look bigger) and Butter was still red as a fucking beetroot but determined to drink away the pain. He hit it harder than any of us that night. When Butters hits it, it is harder than anyone else I know. After the Krauts went through Gaz walked in the room and shouted "The Krauts are through! Lets go have a fucking barney!" So we each snorted a line of the good stuff and then walked out into the town to what was becoming our local bar. We had been in there drinking all day and when we walked back in, already rowdy as the coke made our brains zing, the barmaid smiled and pulled four pints - didn't even have to ask! Butter's turned round and said, "oi love, get us four jaeger and buzzers will ya" - we then did four jaegerbombs and chased it with our Larger. We stayed in there and drank for about an hour, by time we left I was already feeling it. I was struggling not to fall over and my words were slurring. We then walked into the main street and jumped into this packed bar. It was full of drunken Krauts and raudy Brits. The Krauts on one side singing their shoddy national anthem, and the Brits on the other banging out the English national anthem. I looked at Gaz, he looked back at me - we knew this night was going to be massive. I strolled right up to the bar and said "four sambucca's and four snakebite please love" - the foolish barmaid had no idea what I was on about! I had to explain to her what a snakebite was but still she made a fucking good one and she had lovely tits so I weren't too bothered. Sitting next to me was this right hot lass, she had legs that ran all the way up! Her dress was just short enough to make you think you might get a glimpse of ass if she bent over wrong way. Her tits were bulging out of it an all! Just looking at her my cock was straining against my boxers, I could feel my cum bubbling desperate to squirt on her tits! She was laughing at me struggling to explain what a snakebite is. "Are you laughing at me?" I said, perhaps in a tone a bit more brash than charming.
"Who do you think I am laughing at you fucking pom," she laughed as she revealed her New Zealand accent and got up out her seat and went and sat at a table surrounded by other lads. The table was right in the middle of the bar, the barrier between the English and the Germans. That was a brave fucking place to sit. As she walked off I stared at her ass shake and my balls ached with excitement. Fuck it I was gonna have her that night. I did my shot of sambucca, downed half 1 of the pints then picked up the tray of drinks and slammed it down on the New Zealand table. My friends didn't even notice I had gone, they were already helping themselves to a pitcher the British lads had shared with them and were currently screaming something about "VINDALOO!"
"Help yourselves boys" I arrogantly said as I put the drinks down.
"Oi pom, don't think you're gonna have 'er mate, she is one of us!" said this hench new zealand lad. I could tell they were from New Zealand because they all had fucking rugby shirts on, All Black shirts.
"Don't worry mate, just want to have a good night." I replied and I pulled some Es I'd bought of our favourite hotel Affie out my pocket.

That is the last of the covnersation that I remember. The next thing I remember is a fuzzy image of dancing with the blonde, her fit ass grinding my body, my rock hard cock desperate to bulge out my jeans and she rubbed against it!

Then I remember her shoving her tongue down my throat as we staggered out the club! I remember we stumbled back to mine, pulling the whole way back, I kept grabbing her tits and pulling them out her dress down the street. By the time we were back at the hotel she had one tit hanging out, and her skirt was ridden up so everyone could she her thong. I remember trying to get into my room but I could hear Gaz going at it with some bird inside...the girl seemed to be shouting something in German!

That is all I remember of the night. The next morning I woke up in a hotel room which I can only assume was hers. The sheets were strewn across the room, she was laying on the balcony naked with a fag in her mouth, had she even been to sleep? There was a dildo laying on the pillow next to me, it smelt (not of cum but of shit). there were johnnies everywhere but my cock also was moist and reaked of pussy - I had definitely gone bareback on her at somepoint! My back was sore, she had scratched my back and slapped my ass red. She noticed I was awake and strolled in, she was limping slightly, we must have done some mental shit last night. "You best go mate, my mates got in trouble last night I gotta go help them out"
"Right...ok, what happened with us last night?" I said looking around the torn up, cum splattered room.
"Lets just say you learnt a few new things." She said with a right cheeky little grin.
"Yeah well cheers love I said," and I got up to leave not really sure who had used who, had we just had a mutual fuck - Not sure that exists, not in Britain anyway.
"Oi, you going to leave your new friend here?" She asked whilst waving the shit streaked rampant rabbit at me as I bent over to pick up my shoes. As I bent over I had a sudden realisation, my ass abosultely cained! I now know what happened with that dildo. I looked at her with a grin, what a fucking awesome night!

Next day I rocked back up at the hotel. The lads and some German bird were sitting round a table by the pool drinking cocktails and having a right greesy fry up. "Whose the chick?" I asked, to hungover to care how rude I was being.
"My new German buddy," replied Gaz.
"She's the fucking enemy mate, on Sunday it's us versus them remember!" I responsed in an appalled voice.
"Oh yeah...see ya love" and with that gaz just picked up his fry-up and cocktail and walked round the pool into the hotel. Daz, me and Butters looked at eachother, shrugged and got up as well. We went down our 'local'; they pulled us our usual four largers and we settled in to tell eachother of the night before and watch Brazil versus Portugal. Turns out Butters and Daz had met up with my Bird's New Zealand mates and had a bit of a barney. They were shouting at them asking where me and her were. They just said fuck off and through a glass at them. Big fight broke out, police intervened. Daz and Butters sneak off round the back and the New Zealand lot go proper at it with the coppers.

We could not be more let down by the Brazil game. Glimpses of magic but not what we hoped. We then watched Spain fail to live up to their hype. Same glimpses but know sustained magic. And with that the Group stages were done. I have still got the Argies down as winning the whole thing, although I hope it is us. That bet still looms in the back of my mind. The trouble I will be in if we lose, the glory I will be in if we win. I have to go proper at it for the rest of the tournament, living large everynight, cos fuck it - if we don't win this fucking tournament I might be a fucking dead man.

Predictions for the second round - if your a betting man, which I would encourage, I would go for these. Uruguay 2 South Korea 1, U.S.A 2 Ghana 1, Germany 1 England 1 (we win on fucking penalties!), Argentina 1 Mexico 1, Netherlands 2 Slovakia 0, Brazil 3 Chile 0, Paraguay 2 Japan 1, Spain 2 Portugal 1.

It is going to be fucking awesome!

Follow my drunken updates on Twitter here.

England Are Bloody Through in World Cup 2010!

Yes we are bloody through! We always do it the hard way but we get there in the end! Now bring on the Krauts! it has been absolutely mental since that first goal! Sitting there all tense we were, scared off our bollox! I had my bet in the back of my head the whole time! Still can't believe I made it! But as soon as that goal went in we went absolutely ape shit! Fucking Jermaine Defoe! I been saying whole time that he should be in the bloody team! As soon as that goal went in the pints got downed, the shots got bought and the coke got snorted! We knew we were going through and we fucking went for it! Mind you that only lasted until the 70th minute, then the nerves hit in and the coke only made it worse. I was frantic, running around asking people what they thought the score would be...would we go through?...What was the USA score? When the final whistle went I was stuck on the toilet 'relieving my nerves'...didn't stop Gaz coming screaming in, banging through the door and jumping on me in merriment!! He was less impressed when he realised I was still shitting as he was pretending to hump me! But then he just ran back into the bar with the screaming fans! I could hear Butters and Daz screaming "Vindalooo Vindalooo!" as the door swang open and shut! We then downed another couple of pints and have now sprinted back to our hotel for a quick change, watch the Krauts go out as we do, and then back out to celebrate and find me some ladies!

Awesome Argies!

Argentina actually rock my fuckin socks! Somehow they managed to take part in a bloody boring game and yet still manage to be absolutely fanBLOODYtastic! I must say that my bet that they will win it is looking better and better! Messi yet to score, but it will happen - best player in the world!

Tell ya what though, was sitting in the bar watching all these games today (three - bloody brilliant) and all we could talk about was the game tomorrow. Nerves are high here, imagine what there like in the team. Gerrard finally decided to talk up, time for him to show he can lead tomorrow. Time for Rooney to show he is best in the world. Time for England to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and play the way we know they can. Bout time we saw Joe Cole out there ain't it, get a bit of flair out there - fuck it even if we do loose at least he will entertain us as we do. I reckon Ashley Cole will have another stormer tomorrow - fuck him, he makes me so confused (not in a gay way), he is absolute scum on and off the pitch but damn it I am glad he is British!

The drink took its toll on Butters, he has literally been in bed or the toilet all day. He wet the bed twice last night. Not looking good for him. Funniest fucking thing happened to Gaz. So the Affie Doc perhaps was not the best option, the rash has gone but so have his pubes! The cream made the fuckers fall out! How absolutely brilliant is that! He rekons he can still pull though, he actually claimed he liked it cos it made his little roger look not so little. He claimed that if England win tomorrow he is going to have a threesome with two drunk England fans. Now you might be thinking he has already arranged this and knows a couple up for it, but no no - he just an arrogant wanker that thinks he has that much charm. Now I am rather worried about my long dry spell. Not had one bird out here yet, can't go back home having not banged one. Tomorrow night is the night, I am going to unload on someone - don't care what country and to be honest what they look like - Any Hole is A Goal as they say! Wish same was true for England, then that big Beckham shaped hole in our team would be brilliant! Daz is his usual drunken self...he burnt today, peeled the whole fucking thing of in the pub - that's the way to impress the ladies!

Oh yeah and the fucking frogs are out!! FanBLOODYtastic!

Return of Ronaldo

Tell ya what the Spics and the Portuguese are going mental over here!! A few of em have clashed in there drunken states...weird to see them not trying to kick us in...

How good were portugal though! I know they were against crap opposition but this is what we like to see ain't it! Some quality skills and some quality football! They ain't going to win the bloody thing, not by a long shot, but they proved they of a good class and have players to build a team round for next time. I am a big fan of theres! Ronaldo has scored...will he now be stopped, can Messi stand up and challenge him! Great week of football ahead!

Spain were quality as well...definitely something to get the vuvuzelas going! Torres will be scoring in no time and in the meantime villa is pooing all over the opposition...they are clearly a force in this tournament and rightly one of the favourites...my money is still on us or the Argies though!

The England camp is nearly as bad as the bloody frogs now. Terry turning round saying one thing, Capello saying another, Lampard stuck in the middle. How are Lampard and Terry the ones talking...stand up 'Stevie G' your meant to be the bloody captain!

The whole day has been crazy! Gaz has finally been given this cream that stops the itching...the rash was turning into sores so hopefully we won't hear his bloody moaning any more! Daz has been shacked up with this bird he met by the pool all day, she is a dutch bird (love them) and literally our walls are too thin, so we have all vacated the premises. They got talking over his massive black eye and he seemed to charm her despite his lack of a personality. My black eye on the other hand has got me nothing but disgraced looks, and the odd quick drink from a camp bartender afraid I'll stir up trouble or something. Butters has just been butters really...there, you don't want him to go - but you don't want him to stay. Just been a great day of watching the football to be honest.

Furious Frogs, Irate Itai's and Brilliant Brazilians

Got to say, I am loving the demise of Italy and France! What the bloody hell is going on over there. So Malouda has an argument with the manager before the tournament and gets benched, then Anelka has an argument after the first game and gets sent home, and then just after the second game, Evra has an argument with some fitness coach and the manager - the team back Evra and refuse to train - some Director of Football quits and flies home and the manager reads out a statement from the players saying they will train in the future but hate the French Football Association. Basically, France are fucked and I am loving it. I was talking to this French geeze by the pool earlier, and no joke, he hates Domenech - can you blame them! At lease I still have hope we will beat Slovenia - this guy had given up all hope! Oh well, bye bye Frogs!

Italy n'all! What the hell is going on there! They are shit this year - World Champions four years ago, struggling to get through the group now. Inter Milan are the champions of Europe though sadly none of there players are Italian. The Itai's around the bar tonight looked so miserable. I will not miss them when they have gone home. They really are a total bunch of posers, and they hold on to their birds like anything. The game was frankly dull as shit, so I went over to this right hottie at the bar (I must admit I was on the brink of being three sheets) and I was just chatting away to her - using the ol' British Charm...and this right ponce of an Itai comes strutting over to me and starts giving it the ol' Italian hand right in my face. This little poncy guy with his gucci sunglasses and his slicked back hair, medallian round his beefy neck, who thinks he is hard just cos he bought a t-shirt a couple sizes too small. They ain't muscles mate thats just fat being squeezed...his arms look like butchers sausages. I couldn't be arsed to have a barney with him so I just shrug him off and carry on chatting with the lady at the bar, apparently she is his missus or something cos he got proper annoyed and went for it. Whipped off his gucci shades and went to plant a scottish kiss right into my chest, Zidane style you know. This, taking me by complete surprise, throws me against the bar. The guy put some force into it, must have been the built up frustration from watching his team be a completely dier bunch of wank (I cant relate having struggled through England Vs Algeria). Lucky Daz and Gaz (still itching his way through the days) got straight up and laid in to the guy. The rest of the Itai's, all trying to hide their tears as New Zealand made them look foolish, shot out their chairs and before you can say Bob's your uncle me, Daz and Gaz were sprinting out the joint (although Gaz was running slightly like John Wayne). Bye Bye Itai's, you can fuck off no one likes you here.

So Brazil are on a fucking rampage, I really can't decide between them and Argentina now. I have to say though, I still reckon the Argies will have them. It just seems like one of those things, so doubted before the cup begins, but turn up with this mental manager who is a legend in the country - the best player in the world rises to the occasion and becomes known to be possibly better then his manager, whilst the manager secures himself in the heart of Argentinian fans despite all his previous wrong doings. Disney couldn't fucking write that shit.

Algeria, Sunburn and STD's...got to love the World Cup

What a fucking shit game! Could England be any worse! 0-0 against the algies!! that is a joke!! what the fuck is heskey still doing on that pitch!! I want to see Joe Cole rip the slovenians apart! Rooney going to complain about us booing!! I want to see him actually turn up! He has looked absolutely knackered out there so far, it's time to man up Roon; its the world cup - time to run yourself into the fucking ground!

Tell you what though, it was mental after the game. England fans went crazy...I have never been so drunk! We started drinking first thing in the morning...Gaz couldn't, his slight rash condition means he had to go see a doc, not sure I would trust an Affie doc. But me, Butters and Daz all hit the pool bar. Butter's got wasted after his usual three and fell asleep on a sunbed. We felt bad to leave him there but the bar down the road was showing the football and we had to mosey on down. So when he finally joined us down there, after the Germany game, after the Slovenia game, (he had been asleep the whole time) he finally strolled into the bar - he was burnt like a motherfucker! He literally looked like he was the birth child of a carrot. So sadly when we were all jumping around screaming at Rooney to actually fucking move, Butters had to leave because everytime a sweaty Brit bashed into him he let out the most girl like scream you have ever heard.

Gaz was meant to join us at half-time. He never showed, and is still stuck in his room now refusing to come out. Guess the doc's news wasn't the best. So it was just me and Daz sitting through the hell that was the second half of England versus Algeria. I would say it was the most boring game I have ever seen if it wasn't for the crazy atmosphere. Vuvuzela's everywhere! It was mental! This one twat screamed "lets all have a fucking party" and the place erupted, we were all up for drowning our sorr'os and forgetting that we were here for another three weeks but england would be out in another few days. I hit the jaegerbombs hard! Daz was drinking some mental local spirit which he had grown to love. He stole this guys Vuvuzela and got punch in his face, I fucking sprinted across the room like a fucking mental and through a fist into the guys face. Sadly I didn't quite realise how abosolutely huge he was and he literally beat the shit out us both as others just watched in horror. I have never ran from a place so fast, my eye fucking pounding as I could feel the black eye appearing already, the swelling growing like mad. I looked at Daz's face to see that he was bleeding from his nose, mouth and above his eye. We came here to fight the fucking Krauts, not get done over by our own bloody fans. The night didn't end that badly though, we bumped into some celebrating Serbs who thought they would treat us to a few drinks to ease our pain. These guys were huge, each one of them looked like Vidic. Wish they were there to back us up.

I am absolutely dying of a hangover today. I am cream crackered and desperate for sleep and asprin. England are shit, and heading out the World Cup, and all the hopes I put on Wayne fucking Rooney have been shoved right back up my ass like a bumboys dildo. And all that awaits me at home, is that big ol' fucking debt - why I bet England would win the fucking thing I have no idea. Alcohol makes you do strange things.