West Ham vs Blackpool - Score for god's sake!

Just got in, you have to be mental to think today's game wasn't brilliant! I have had the best night ever to go on top of that! What I love about Blackpool fans is that they love a good party! And a Blackpool bird is a bloody easy bird!

The Game


I just can't believe both teams inability to score! How many chances did both teams have in that game! I stood in the stands actually shocked...shocked! Some of those misses were crazy...from both teams! It should've been 6-6 not 0-0. But I bloody loved watching it! And that's why West Ham can't go down this season - the Premier League will miss us. We have always played great football, even at the hardest of times, and it is the same this season. We are struggling at the bottom of the table and we still turn up and play attacking football. To be fair today did some up every game for us this season, great football - no victory. Still as I keep saying, it's another point and points are good. At least we are plus one on what we were yesterday!


The Night that Followed


As I said, Blackpool girls no how to have fun! London was swarming with 'em tonight.All walking around with their shirts on (always a plus considoring we are trying to point score)! We popped into The Coach and Horses for our first few drinks and there was this table of Blackpool fans, some women some men. We got chatting with them...no bad feelings between any of us. We'd all witnessed a great game and were happy with that. We all agreed that both teams deserved to stay up this season and we enjoyed a bloody good piss up together. The Blackpool lads all looked quite rough - skinheads, tattoos, the works. The birds all looked chavvy and hot - blonde died hair, leggings, tattoos, big tits, the works.


So we are drinking away with them and it turns out that one of the Blackpool birds lives in London (the lads are her family and their birds). I find this out at the bar, Daz, Gaz and Butters are all at the table downing pints - I've got her to myself. So I buy her a tequila slammer and give her some chat. She loves it. Only one single bird of the lot and I've got her here! So we stay in The Coach and Horses until it kicks us out. The travelling Blackpool lot all head to their hotel, but the lads want to keep going. My Blackpool girl (Chloe) pulls me aside and says, "let's just go back to mine...just me and you." The magic words for any guy!

So the guys all headed off and god knows what they have got up to! But me and Chloe headed back to hers. She lives in a small flat with a group of her old uni mates. They were all asleep when we rock in, her tongue down my throat the whole time. I kept grabbing her arse, she had a great arse! She then goes to pull her top off, "no, no...leave it on. You look good in it," I tell her. As I reach up the shirt and pull down her leggings. She has a tiny thong which I pull down and she steps back, completely naked but her Blackpool top. I lift the top over my head and run my tongue across her pussy lips and she stands up - I actually feel her knees tremble. She then unbuttons my top and pulls it off, same with the jeans - taking my boxers with them. This is when I realise...I'm not hard! Why am I not hard!? She is stunning, she is naughty and she is up for it! And yet...I am in no way up for anything. She gives me a slightly bewildered look, she knows she is hot, she knows I should be hard...and yet I am not. She starts kissing my abs and pulling on my floppy cock in an attempt to get a rise out of me - it does not work. She is clearly skilled, she clearly knows what she is doing and yet...nothing! We go to her bedroom where she even tries going down, which to be honest was more off putting then anything - it was just a floppy cock being batted about by a tongue as it kept falling out her mouth. Her bewilderness was becoming restlessness, disappointment and disheartened. I decide to play the "let me" card and push her down and go down on her. She cums pretty hard as I tongue her clit whilst thrusting my fingers in her pussy, making sure I'm stroking her G Spot with my usual 'come hither' move. She was a moaner when she came - probably woke up her flatmates. I would usually love this, and yet still nothing! Sadly, she is the insatiable type and doesn't just want to sleep after cumming, she wants more and she wants my cock. No can do!

I make some rubbish excuse like needing the toilet and head to her toilet. Running across her flat naked - don't think her flatmates saw me. In the toilet I furiously wank, desperate to get a rise out of the little bugger - massive bugger I meant to say. I think about the big arsed Bolton bird I banged a couple weeks back and get it nice and hard. I run back to her room, making sure I enter in a non-chalent manner and she see's how hard I am. Her eyes light up when she sees it and she shoves it into her mouth! My suspiscions were correct - she does know what she is doing! As she sucks me I run my fingers along her very wet pussy, she is completely shaved and I can feel her pussy juice running along her skin. Just before I cum in her mouth she stops, leaving me begging - what a pro! She then pushed me back and climbed on top - Blackpool shirt still on! She slips my hard, pulsating cock into her wet pussy and I feel it dripping down my shaft as she rides me! She is loving it! So am I, it is really good! Which is why I cannot explain what happened next...it fell out. My cock had lost it's hardness and as she got into it riding me furiously it just slipped out. She looked down at it, now completely disheartened...she thought it was her! I suspect it was...but why I can't answer. She tried rubbing it again and I tried thinking of my Bolton bang but that didn't work.

She ended up getting really annoyed and kicked me out before I came. I don't think I can count that as a Jersey can I? Still I pulled a hot bird and drank with some great dudes...I had a good night, just the result could've been better...summed up my day really.

Weekend Preview - Birmingham vs West Ham

So last night me and Gaz headed out in Brum and started to put this plan into action! We get into Brum about 7pm last night and check into our hotel, room each, we know what we want and we don't want to watch as the other person gets it. We then put on the ol' gladrags and head out on to Birmingham's infamous Broad Street. No laugh, this was a messy night. Jaegerbombs were floating round like know ones business. So we in this club, Custard Factory, and we drinking some not so cheap drinks. We chatting up some proper raver girls and we get the conversation on to football asap. Easy enough, they ask "why you in Birmingham?" we answer, "To watch the game, are you into football?". We go round a few different groups of girls, buying them drinks giving them chat - don't get me wrong Brum is full of willing girls looking for a fun times, but we wanted specific girls - Birmingham City fans!

So about 1am me and Gaz are talking to these two proper big girls, they're Brum fans! No joke though, I've had some big girls in my time, but these girls - huuuge! Gaz had the slightly smaller one, I had the biggest. She was proper pissed and grinding all up on me. Good thing about big girls...huge breasts! I know this girl is DTF because she is constantly putting her tongue down my throat and rubbing downstairs through my jeans. Problem is, she ain't got her footy shirt on - I need to get her back home so she can put it on whilst we go at it and then I've bagged a Brum jersey.

We leave the club at 2pm, Gaz says to the girls "So you want to carry this night on, any drink at yours?" The girls look at eachother proper shyly though and clearly going to give us the denial so I step in and say "Hey, why don't we carry it on tomorrow night after the game." They just happen to be going with their boyfriends (woooops!), but say they'll ditch them afterwards and find us (get in!). So we take their numbers and off we go!

Woke up this morning feeling very optimistic, I don't know about West Ham but I am definitly going to be scoring today!

Win it for Gold!

Tonight I am heading up to Brum with Gaz to watch the Birmingham vs West Ham game. Someone who won't be making that trip is the West Ham owner David Gold. Just because the Brummies are upset that he left them to move to a bigger and better club!

We may be without Nolan tomorrow, we may be bottom of the table - but we still play free flowing quality football and man-to-man we can beat Birmingham. I have faith, this weekend is going to crazy! We will win it for Gold!

So Me and Gaz are hitting this weekend with a plan. We want to get some Jerseys this weekend, get back on track with the game! So we are heading out in Brum looking to meet some ladies and our plan is this, we figured the more girls we talk to the quicker we seperate the West Brom, Brum and Wolves fans. Then we would give the Brum fans some chat, if we can get a Jersey on the first night then great, if not we get their numbers keep giving them chat via text and if nothing better comes up after the game we get out the most DTF girl and see what we can get.

West Ham 1 Newcastle 2 - Grant losing fans

Another bitterly disappointing game! At the start of this season I would've had Newcastle as one of our relegation rivals, whilst we sadly remain bottom of the table Newcastle are riding (vaguely) high at ninth. How has this happened? Oh yeah, they have quality players. I like Piquionne and Obinna (mainly because I have to their our own hope) but they are not Andy Carroll are they! In fact I think Newcastle are probably only jealous of the fact we have Scott Parker rather then mentalist Joey Barton. I did almost get excited when Cole actually decided to turn up to a game this season and gave us the lead, but as always it was short lived as we crumbled when Newcastle dared to score against us. I have to say I was enraged by the way we deflated once they equalised and Newcastle thoroughly deserved the win in the end. I admit to booing as the players and Grant left the pitch. I have had enough, something has to change. I don't if its Grant or not, but something has to! We are bottom, deservedly so and we need to start picking up points against teams like Newcastle at home.

Post-game wasn't much better. Gaz actually started chatting up a Geordie bird at half-time and had won her jersey by the time the game was over. He got talking to her in a queue for chips, she was a brave one that had tickets for the wrong end but still worn her shirt. Then again, she was fit! When you're hot you can get away with anything! She had this long blonde hair (dyed I think), she had quite a thick tan (fake I'm sure, there's no sun in Newcastle) and she was wearing these jeans that showed off her long toned legs and tight ass. Her Newcastle shirt was tightly fitted to show off her perky breasts. Me, Daz and Butters gawped from a distance as Gaz gave her some proper chat. In the second half, Gaz never joined us in the stands (he didn't miss much), at The Boleyn later he informed us that once everyone had rushed back into the stands he and the bird had gone into a toilet and well, he won her jersey. Lucky prick! After the game we all felt quite deflated and Gaz had already got laid and won his jersey - needless to say we downed a couple of pints which failed to cheer us up and we slunk home, the rest of us failing to secure jerseys.

Hitzlsberger out, Hargreaves in, Liverpool survive

So it looks like the Scousers are going to survive. Damn shame but that's life! On the other hand how about the injustice of Hitzlsberger not being back for action yet. Damn shame The Hammers could use a quality player like him back in action, especially a World Cup winning player. It is always the international friendlies that fuck the clubs up the arse! and lets face it when your down like The Hammers are right now, things always keep going wrong! I am bitter about this one, especially now our relegation battle competitors Liverpool seem to be getting their act together. I know, I know, they ain't going to be down our end of the table for long - but we can only hope and prey can't we!

Also, Hargreaves is back! Proper, bitter sweet about this one! On one hand, how come United get their player back and ours still out...we are the one's that need the lift! On the other hand, last time I saw Hargreaves play he was fucking quality and England could def use that - enough of Barry, bring back the Canadian!

England - Crap

Just watched the England game on TV (thankfully didn't pay money for that crap) and I am deeply upset. We are the biggest pile of rubbish! Can't beat Montenegro...whats the point of turning up for Euro 2012 because we definitely won't win! Very upset with the game, was planning on getting royally pissed and completely wrecked afterwards but instead will just finish the bottle of Bud next to me and go cry into my pillow.

Only plus side was performances of Adam Johnson and Ashley Young. Should definitely be the wingers from now on. To be fair Montenegro are hard to break down but that's life, you still have to do it. I am not quite as deflated after the World Cup loss to Germany - but not far off.

Rooney was wank again! I thought it was his lack of sex that was the problem, but he just got back off a 'second honeymoon' and he was still awful - perhaps it's his lack of good sex (yes, I am suggesting Coleen is shit in bed and that's why Rooney gets prozzies - surely obvious conclusion?). Oh well, West Ham victory at weekend will cheer me up!

West Ham beat Spurs - I bag a Jersey

A Victory on the Pitch

Get in! We beat the Jids! North London reckon they can come East and boss us around? Never gonna happen is it? No way, not only did we play them off the park but we got the win and moved off bottom spot! The resurgence starts here! Obinna and Piquionne are going to take us all the way and avoid the ol' regulation battle! Mr. Grant is pulling it together! And oh yes, the God of the East Scotty Parker - he may be from Lambeth but we know his heart is in the ol' east end. It's looking up for us, turning it around! Desperately needed for myself, I can't afford for us to not stay up otherwise my guts will be used for garters - dunno what that means but he don't sound all that pleasant!

We knew the ol' Spurs lot would want some trouble so we were proper up for it! Love a good London derby...always a bit of trouble to be had! We all met up down The Bolyn (me, Gaz, Daz, Butters and few other rufty tufty's we know). We pounded a few pints and talked about our chances. We decided Scotty Parker was the best midfielder in the Premier League, we decided Avram Grant was a tatical genius like no other, we decided that Bobby Moore was the most solid defender to ever grace a football pitch and we decided that we were gonna bash some Yids around today!

The game went off without a hitch, we won and we didn't bump into any Spurs fans until a bit later. We had a couple pints at half time, banter was flowing through out the stand, we were seriously enjoying ourselves. At full time we were buzzing off the few pints we'd had as well as the fact we had finally notched up a victory! We headed down The Bolyn to disect the game and discuss how this was the clear changing point in The Hammers season! Stupidly a group of young Spurs lads came barging in! Five lads, all skinheads draped in the White Spurs shirts. They had a three birds dragging behind them, all wearing their Spurs shirts. Gaz threw me a look to suggest "Oi oi we could be on to a Jersey here!" meanwhile Daz threw me a very different look that suggested "Oi oi we could be on to some trouble here!" The Birds were not too bad looking, all proper orange, all bleached blonde hair, two were fairly slim and one was little bit bigger. The bigger one had a right fucking mouth on her "Oi Sean its a fucking Hammers pub!" She belted out in a proper North London accent as she strolled in. This of course brought the attention of everyone else in the pub over to them, the person I can only assume was Sean gave her a look of hatred. Three of the five Spurs lads strutted to the bar desperately trying to look brave but knowing they were in the danger zone, the other two lads (one of which was the Sean fellow) escorted the ladies to a small table very near the door. The two hotter ladies looked very timid, they clearly had no idea what was going on and felt quite uncomfortable surrounded by people talking about football. The bigger, louder girl was giving it all the gob "Why you all being quiet? They know they were lucky today! Their be down soon enough!" Seriously there were guys there who have never hit a women but reconsidoring that policy...there were guys there who often hit women and thought they'd found a prime candidate!
One of the guys at the bar squeezed to the front right up against Daz. Daz loves a good bit of Barney when he can get it so this was the lads first mistake. His second was ordering 8 WKD blue (he was a clear poof). When he ordered this Daz gave us a look we had seen far too many times before, "we are gonna have this prick" he said without words but one quick raise of the eyebrow. Gaz didn't notice this look as he is staring at one of the quiter Spurs birds, who is returning his gaze with a cheeky grin. The Spurs lad then made his third and final mistake, as he turned around with the bottles he knocked Daz' pint out his hand and across the floor. In response to this the whole pub shouts "Waheyyyy"...Daz does not. He stares at the Spurs fan with a look of pure hated and violence. The Spurs fan looks back apologetically as he says "Shit, sorry mate!" Clearly failing to stop his voice go high pitched with fear.
"Don't worry about it mate!" replies Daz as a smile comes across his face and he puts his hand on the Spurs lads shoulder reassuringly.
The Spurs lad grins and tries to hide his sigh of relief. Gaz is no longer staring at the Spurs lad he is now stood next to Daz with a very serious look on his face. Butters and I have started to move around them in a way that would surround these three Spurs lads at the bar.
As the lad that knocked Daz drink starts to walk away Daz' grip on his shoulder tightens, the lad looks round at Daz, who then thrusts his forehead straight into the lads nose, right between the eyes. The lads head swings back and his nose bursts open. The two Spurs mates who have been sat at the table with the girls jump to their feet and come rushing over. The two that were now next to me and Butters just looked shocked, that is until me and Butters grab one of their collars each and shove them up against the bar. Throwing our fists and heads into their faces, breaking open their skins with every swing. Daz then grabs the lad he hit by the head and smacks his forehead into his face again, this time making him lose his balance before Daz starts wailing into him with his fists. The two lads who were sitting don't get too near us before some nearby Hammers that we know grab them and throw them down. Upon hitting the floor they look up to see Gaz and a couple of other lads swinging sparkling white trainers towards their faces. The bouncers and then the bartenders quickly come to the rescue of the Spurs lads. They basically put themselves between us and the Spurs fans. We know them and they know us...we know not to mess with them, they know we won't. They pick the Yids up and with the sentence "Time you better go lads" make it perfectly clear that we ain't gonna be in trouble for this, but they may die if they stay.
As they escort the Spurs fans out one of the bouncers signals to the girls and nods towards the door to tell them they best get out as well. Gaz then shouts "Nah, the ladies can stay mate!" The girl he was exchanging glances gives him a quick grin as we all burst out laughing. Gerry the landlord hands Daz some kitchen roll to wipe his head and knuckles with, which are now covered in some other guys blood.
"I've told ya about making trouble in 'ere ain't I boy?" says Gerry as he takes it back to throw in the bin.
"Oh come on Gerry they had it coming, you know that!" exclaims Daz
"Did they heck boy, get out my pub," gerry says calm as always.
"You joking with me right?" Daz answers back, more annoyed than he ever was with the Spurs fans.
"Am I fuck you mouthy cunt," Gerry blasts back, no longer calm but annoyed with the insolence of Daz.
"Your get the fuck out of here and we won't see you until next Saturday alright boy!"
"Alright, fuck ya then!" says Daz as he struts out. Me, Butters and Gaz down our pints, put the glasses on the bar - each of us giving Gerry an apologetic smile as we do - and then walk out after Daz. Found out this morning that the police came into the pub not long after looking for some troublemakers fitting our descriptions, of course no one saw anyone looking like us all day but still, bloody lucky we weren't about weren't it.

Victory off the Pitch!

Luckily, our fun weren't over! We were all proper buzzin from our fight and not to mention the drinks we had boshed all afternoon. We jumped on the District Line and headed into central, via one change obviously. We hit a few pubs around Soho, avoiding the Gay's as best as possible and before long we were absolutely battered and inside a club called On anons. We got in early to make sure they would let us in wearing our Hammers shirts and trainers. We found a booth and started hammering the drinks. Sambucca, Jaegerbombs and the usual pints were all in order. Arocund 11pm as the place started to get bit busier Gaz handed around a few tabs which we all took with a Jaegerbomb.
It was about 12.30am when we heard a very familiar voice. "Oi, Sean look its those pricks!" We looked around to see the tubby Spurs fan pointing at us with a fierce look on her face. She had clearly been home and got changed, slutted up basically, tits bulging out her top and denim skirt revealing her jiggling thighs. The top also showed that she had a Spurs tatoo on her upper arm which the spurs shirt had hidden before. The lad sean looked straight at us, he was then surrounded by the lads we had beaten shitless earlier and a few more. There faces were all pretty bruised and cut up, where as me, Daz and Butters stood across from them without a scratch on us. This was the first time I noticed Gaz weren't with us no more. I quickly looked around for him as I was certain we would need his help. I then spotted him chatting up the two thinner Spurs girls at the bar - thanks for the warning mate!
The lads all started to walk towards us, pushing the tubby bitch to the back - which she weren't pleased about. I was, I am pretty sure she could do more damage then any of the others. Especially with the size of the rings on her fingers! The lad Sean lead his mates across to us, suddenly confident now he was surrounded by friends and knowing we no longer weren't. Then I heard what I hoped I wouldn't:
"Oh yes fucking come on!" It was the scream of Daz as he dived into this Sean lad and his mates, flailing his arms towards them. The Spurs fans were again taken aback with surprise by Daz' readiness to rumble. Me and Butters again jumped at this opportunity and followed Daz' suit. It weren't long before the Spurs lads were sprawled out on the floor with us, all throwing fists but none of us making much contact. The bouncers were on us in a flash and dragged us apart.
"Who the fuck started this!" Shouted one brick-shit-house of a bouncer.
This was when Gaz finally intervened. "I saw it mate, these guys (pointing at the Spurs lads) just came up and started throwing punches at these boys (pointing at us).
"Right, get the fuck out of here!" Shouted the bouncer as him and his mates ushered the Spurs fans out. The gobby bird tried to argue their case but to no success.
Gaz walked back over to his two ladies and me, Daz and Butters gathered ourselves and hit the bar. The two girls were giggling away with Gaz when their chubby mate came over and said "Right, girls we are off! Seans outside waiting!"
"Fuck Sean he is a prick," answered back one of the girls as she snuggled up to Gaz.
"What so we are staying here with these pricks then are we?" replied the mouthy fat one as she jestured at us.
"Erm yeah!" said the other girl, who joined her friend snuggled up to Gaz. Gaz now had his arms around both girls and big grin on his face.
"Come on love," he said to the chubbier girl, I'll buy you a drink to make it better.
"Vodka orange" the chubby girl said unimpressed with her friends.

Fuck knows what happened to that lad Sean but before long Daz and Gaz had left with two birds Gaz had been working on all night and Butters had been kicked out the club after throwing up on a bouncer. That left me and the chubby bitch stood by the bar downing shots. She could hold her drink I'll give her that.
"So that Sean geeze your fella then," I drunkenly asked her, more accusingly then anything.
"HA! Fuck no," she bellowed over the music! "He just a guy...you know...for fun!" she said with a cheeky glint in her eye. The music switched onto Kanye West Goldigga and she literally screamed "Ah I facking love this song, come on!" She grabbed me by the arms and dragged me onto the dancefloor. She pulled my arms around her waist, but I gotta admit they slipped straight down to her arse. One of my legs was between hers and she grinded up and down my thigh to the rythem, bumper her tits up and down so that they were grining up against my chest. Her tits were now basically completely hanging out her top, only hidden by the push up black bra she had squeezed them into. As we writhed our bodies together her hands moved up and down my back and squeezed my arse. I knew I was in at that moment and drunkenly lent in for the kiss. The bird fucking thrusted her tongue into my mouth and ran it all over. I think she was trying to find out what I had for dinner - luckily for her it was a diet of booze and E.

God knows what time it was when we finally barged are way into her flat. I could hear the noise of Gaz grunting upstairs, sadly I do know his sex noises. "Shells having fun then," said the chubby bird I had now taken home with a wink, this brought to my attention that I had (and still have) no idea of her name. i opted not to bring this up at the time as I thought might ruin the mood somewhat. "I have got some tequila in the kitchen if you want," she said with a seductive smile as she grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the kitchen. Sadly, to get to the kitchen you have to walk through the lounge. It was in the lounge where we would walk in on Daz naked on the sofa being sucked off by the other bird. He looked at me with a huge grin whilst the girl sucking him off screamed at us to "fuck off and get out". I did notice that she did not have a Spurs shirt on so this made me know Daz weren't picking up any Jersey points that night. This also reminded me that this was an opportunity for me to get off the mark.
The loud bitch was pissing herself at the site of seeing her mate gobbling Daz' cock, as she laughed her tits jiggled with flab. Dunno what came over me but I thought fuck it and shoved my head right in the middle of her cleavage and motorboated the shit out of them. She laughed even louder at this and shrieked "easy boy!" I then stepped back but she pushed me back in and grabbed my arse as she shoved her tongue in my mouth again. "Come on, lets go upstairs" she said with no subtlety.
It wasn't until I had her naked that I realised how big her tits really were. I was all over them. Grabbing them, sucking them, shoving my cock between them! She was loving it. She was full on filth as well, fingering my arse as she deep throated my cock and kept telling me to spank her. It was when I had her bent over spanking her wobbling ass that I noticed a white shirt on the floor with Dawson across the back. Her Spurs shirt! I reached down, picked it up and said "Wear this, I want you to fuck me with this on!" She growled at me and grabbed it off me and pulled it over her huge tits.
Her nipples were still hard from me licking them and clearly pointed through the top. I then kissed her and shoved my fingers up her for like the fifth time, she moaned so loud at this and said "fuck me baby" in my ear. I didn't need telling twice and bent her over and fucked her from behind. Her ass rippled everytime I thrust in, I saw still spanking and grabbing it and occasionally reached round to finger her clit. Her moans of pleasure were only muffled by her face buried in the pillow. She definately came at least twice before I finally blew my load into her soaked pussy. For some reason it turned me on soo much more knowing that I had just racked up my first Jersey!
This morning I woke up with a proper hangover, and rolled over to find a girl that can only be descibed as 'bigger than your average bear' laying next to me in her Spurs shirt. This of course didn't stop me having seconds...and thirds haha! She was as filth as I thought as well...the second time as she rode me, her naked body (no Spurs shirt this time) jiggling all over the place she shoved a finger in my ass as I came! The third time was just a blowjob before i left. i'd put my clothes on ready to go and she pulled me in close to her fat naked body and shoved her tongue down me again. The kiss was quite passionate and before long her hand was rubbing my hard cock again. I whispered "suck it" into her ear and she gave me a naughty grin before pulling down my jeans and boxers as she got on hers knees. She took it all in and gave me a quality blowjob (gotta admit, she was actually a fucking good shag)! Just before I came I grabbed my cock and said "Let me blow on your face!" She smiled and threw her head back so she was looking up to my cock. I then rubbed myself till I came with a huge groan, just before I came I noticed her Spurs tattoo on her arm and thought fuck it! So as I blew across her face I directed downwards and spunked all over the Spurs tattoo as a final 'fuck you' to the North London yids!

I took her number and strolled down to the bus stop near by. There I saw Daz and Gaz eating kebabs (a different kind to what they had munched on the night before). Gaz revealed he was still on track and had racked up a Spurs shirt, me and him shared our glory with a high five. Daz said he had completely forgotton about the bet and was proper gutted with the missed opportunity. They both mocked me for shagging the fat one, but I earnt back their respect with the story of cumming on the Spurs tattoo.

Manchester United vs West Ham

Loosing on the pitch
We are shit! I cannot believe how poor we are this season! Ok I would always kind of expect to be handed our arses against Man Utd, but to be three games in and not have a point - it is not looking good! And we struggled past Oxford United! We are shit!

Loosing off the pitch

So now both Daz and Gaz have collected the United shirt. I am still on 0 and Gaz is on 2 and Daz on 1. Butters of course is on 0. So we head up to Manchester for the game, didn't bother with the Oxford game, we all have money issues and that game just didn't seem worth the money. Luckily we were right. So we head up to Manchester, we are ok with the result; we got to see a great team play football (Manchester United not West Ham), and have a few pints. We each get a room in a near by Holiday Inn and we head into town. Trying to avoid the flourishing gay district of course! We all took some E, drank some vod-bulls and then headed to Sankeys, this club in Manchester. All fucked off our heads by 11pm. By midnight I was violently being sick. I was well in with this girl as well. We were proper pushed up against eachother type. My hand was running down her back and grabbing her hot, pert arse. She was running her fingertips up my shirt, feeling my abs. Our lips seemed to be in a constant embrace, except when broken by our tongues meeting. A few times she even ran her hand over my jeans to feel how hard she had got me...very!
I was proper loving it! Granted she was wearing a short, white dress with her tits hanging out, not a Manchester United or West Ham United shirt, but she was fit as fuck so fuck it!
Wasn't to be though. Some prick bashed into me and I banged against her elbow, she winded me and as I was already fucked I through up all over her white dress. She was not impressed. I then ran to the toilet and through up more, throwing up the whole time making my way there. It wasn't long before the bouncers came in, grabbed me and threw me out.

What made it worse is what Daz and Gaz were bragging about over our fry-ups the next day. Whilst I was throwing up on gorgeous women and then being unkindly escorted out the club, they were talking to two hot totties in United shirts. They had been at the game earlier apparently. The bastards only went back with them. Apparently fucked them in the same room, dirty Mancs! They were literally 4ft apart. Both claim to have not peaked over so no banter of poor performance as yet...sure all will be revealed in drunken futures though!

Still, gotta start catching up, gotta start fucking

Failing to score on and off the pitch - West Ham vs Bolton Wanderers

On The Pitch

Why the fuck can't we beat Bolton bloody Wanderers? It's Bolton...come on! 7times in a row we have lost to the team that take boring football to an art form.

To be fair, as Mr Grant keeps claiming, we didn't play badly, especially in the first half - we are just incapable of bloody winning. I love the fact that The Hammers always give it a go and play some football, but sometimes I just wish we would go the Bolton route and just grind the fuck out of a game until we manage that win.

I think I am going to blame that bloody Bolton keeper with the name that is crazy, Jussi will do, saving all our bloody shots. I mean let's face it, Carlton cole's penalty was especially shit. What happened to that man? He was the hero of Upton not long ago, now he is...well, Carlton cole.

Poor Matty Upson though, the man is our rock, and if he is having an off game and scoring an own goal then you know we are fucked! When Chang-chin Lin assisted their goal hope was all but gone. Thank god Noble took the second penalty, step aside Mr Cole, bit of quality from Noble showed us that we could have hope this season.

Still wasn't enough and we are officially 0 for 2, I still have hope - I have to really - but let's ensure Bolton are the only team that remain known as a 'bogey team'


Off The Pitch

The night out that followed yesterday's footballing debacle was no better!

Following the game we wondered down to my flat, I live not far from Upton Park, and we began to drink our sorrows away. Giving our two cents on every fuck up on that pitch. How we could have won, how we will avoid the drop, and most importantly should Grant stay. Vodka Redbulls got passed around quickly and we tried to relieve our sorrows. Me, Gaz, Daz and Butters had gone to the game - all season ticket holders. We know a lot of people who follow West Ham almost as religiously as we do and we were preparing too meet up with them later tonight and have these exact same debates. These were almost like our practice debates.

Over the last week, Daz, Gaz and Butters have all agreed that they too shall take part in The Jersey Game. We are now all 24/7 on the pull. Tonight I am looking to scratch one off the list. I am on the hunt for either a Hammer girl (always dirrty totty) or a Bolton girl (hopefully more interesting than the team they support). We headed down Green Street to The Queens where we met the rest of the lads. Everyone was in there already, well on their way. I got in the first round and straight away ran my eyes around the bar. No one really took my fancy I must say. Just loadsa butch, pissed off Hammers fans with more tattoos then me. No one that could in anyway cheer me up! So after a few drinks, couple of rounds of 21, we headed into central. We went into Onanon's, where the cheap pussy goes. This proper dirrty looking barmaid comes up to us dressed in camoflage, she has two tequila bottles with her. We all do shots. Her tits are bursting out her top. We all do more shots. We then neck a beer, play a round of Yee-Haa! and by the end I am completely fucked.

It is about 1:30am when I spot her. Not long until closing time and I am so hammered I have no idea how I am even standing. I am pretty sure the phrase 'to be hammered' must come from nights out with the West Ham lads, we fucking go for it. I see her dancing away with her mates. A group of girls all in Bolton Wanderers shirts, all looking proper grim; except one. She is stunning. Long blonde hair, tight ass. Clearly no bra on under the top, it is white and her nipples are bursting out of it. Dirrty totty! I head straight over there, eyes fixed on the hot blonde. I burst through the rotters that she calls friends, I have no time for niceties with them. I grab this Trotter by the hips and push her towards me. My leg goes between hers and she is basically sitting on my thigh. I start grinding with her, staring into her eyes. She looks back at mine. This is it! I am well in here!

I wasn't...she then headbutted me. It knocked me back, I was fucking shocked. I then turned around to see my mates pissing themselves and then fists from big butch rotters wearing Bolton 'fucking' Wanderers shirts started pounding into me. Luckily the bouncers came quickly to my rescue, especially lucky as my friends were too busy rolling on the ground with laughter to help. I was then escorted off the premises, I say escorted - I mean thrown into an alley, with force. I then called a taxi and awoke this morning an unhappy man.

I got a phone call later that day. It was Gaz.
"Alright mate, just wanted to see how you doing after your action last night."
"Fuck off!"
"Also wanted to let you know I got some action of my own."
"Fuck off, with who?"
"That blonde tottie that hit you round the head"
"Bollox!"
"No mate, fact, she was quite nice after I went up and apologised on your behalf. Cheers for that opening mate, got me first shirt there!"
"Oh fuuuuck off!"
Gaz now pissing himself ended with, "Don't worry mate, we play them again this season - you still have a chance!"
What a Prick!

Dismal Kick Off Premier League Season, Shit Night Out - The Birth of The Jersey Game

So the English Premier League has kicked off once again, season 2010-2011 is officially under way, another chapter of my life begins (yes my life is catergorised by Premier Leauge season, as every mans life should be), but sadly another chapter starts in misery. Not only was the World Cup in South Africa possibly the most disappointing display an England team has ever put on in my life time, but my beloved West Ham United have only gone and fucking followed suit. What a joke! I been bloody looking forward to this season for ages, hoping that it might provide the ray of sunshine to drag me out of the duldrum that was the World Cup. And when Martin O'Neill (ex Aston Villa Manager) packed his bags and left I really thought we could get off to a good start this year. Aston Villa on the first day, a club in turmoil, surely West Ham could knick a victory. But no! Of course not, three bloody nil! This season best not carry on like this otherwise you won't half get some angry rants from me! Not to mention my bloody life or death bet! What a joke! I am now seriously worried for my health...another chapter of my life, another miserable season!

After the game I could not feel any more annoyed, but I had one plus side going through my mind - a night out on Broad Street in Brum. I had travelled up to watch the game with my mate Gaz, the other lads couldn't get tickets, and I was certain we were going to drown our sorrows. I said to Gaz as we left the club, "I am going to get these Villains back - I am going to find a nice piece of Brum totty, preferably a Villa fan and then ram my cock right up her whilst she wears her Villa shirt".
Gaz fucking wet himself, "yeah bet you will mate" he fucking cackled his head off when he said that.
"Nah I fucking will mate, I am going to roger some Villa fan so hard she ain't walking straight tomorrow!" I said to him with anger and determination pouring out of my voice.
"Bollox!" Simple reply from what is frankly a simple man
"Telling ya mate, will be easy, there all be on the town on the proper piss tonight - match day is a garentee pussy day trust me, especially as the fuckers won!" Nearly even convinced myself then
"Alright!" Gaz started, "If you're so certain it is so easy to get laid after a match day, why don't you fucking prove it?" He had the smuggest fucking grin on his face so I knew he was getting to a point.
"I will fucking prove it," I was pretty much barking this at him, "I will fucking prove it tonight, I'll fucking a Villa fan - not only will I fuck her but I'll get right up her rotten as well!"
Gaz nearly rolled on the ground laughing now, "Bollox! And fuck that, not just tonight mate. If it was just tonight that might just be down to slutty Brummies - no no no, you my friend will have to prove it all season long."
"Well how the fuck am I meant to do that"
"The Jersey Game!"
"And what the fuck is The Jersey Game," I answered having a small idea considering the nature of the conversation I was in.
"Ah, The Jersey Game my friend is where you have one season to complete the challenge, of fucking a girl in every football strip. Everytime you fuck a girl whilst she wears a football shirt you win that shirt (not literally that would be theft), by the end of the season you should've won 20 shirts. The Jersey Game!"
I was feeling proper macho right now though, I was angry after the football, high on testosterone and desperate to prove Gaz was a thick twat that was wrong! "Fuck it! I'll do it"

So that night I hit the town, I had a new mission! I was going to fuck a bird whilst she wore a Villa shirt. We hit a club called the Custard Factory (which I was a little fucked off to find out had fuck all to do with custard), not quite on Broad Street but Gaz had heard it was a 'pilltastic' time. With this in mind, we swallowed some big fat munting E's before we went in and then hit the bar for some vod-bulls which were on offer. Before long we were both fucking munted and dancing like loons on the dancefloor! Then I spotted her, a prime piece of totty wearing a tight, Villa shirt which she had tied in a knot at the bottom so that her toned midriff was showing. She also had this short little denim skirt on. Target Spotted! I think I literally ran over to her with excitement, probably not the best entrance as I barged through the group of guys that surrounded her - any of them could have been her boyfriend, one of them was. I grabbed her by the arms and screamed "Dance with me!" and pulled her close to me! Clearly I was not at my smoothest! Then some big fucking guy grabs me and rips me off her and pulls me behind him, he was now between me and her. I looked at him in his big huge Villa shirt...it also showed his midriff but not quite as pleasant a site...this was a big beer bellied, tattooed Villa fan that had been downing some serious pintage all day. He looked at me and simply said "That's my bird mate." He said it in this fucking annoying Brummy accent and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sorry mate, just wanted to fuck her ya know." I cackled.
"You what?" Getting even more high pitched in that annoying Brummy tone
"How did a lump like you get a piece of totty like that?" This was a mistake.
I now only remember seeing his very angry face, 4 chins wobbling with anger, and his big chubby fist swinging towards me. Then I remember bouncers literally throwing me out of the club and Gaz behind me.

Woke up this morning with a huge black eye to show for my troubles. Gaz also has some nice bruisers having apparently come to my aide! As we woke up in our tiny little travelodge room (more depressing then our night out) I turned to Gaz and said, "So that bet we made yesterday...The Jersey Game..."
"Still on mate"
"Bollox"

A New Bet...David Beckham: Could Goldenballs arrive? Could Plucky Parker leave?

A New Bet

I returned from South Africa a very scared man. I had made a stupid bet, I owed a lot of money, and now I would have to face the music. I got off the plane, with my equally hungover friends, and we shared a cab back into the East End. I returned home and crashed out on my sofa. I fell asleep instantly, but was woken within the hour. My door was bashed down and three huge men came running into my room, beat me to unconsciousness and then dragged me out of the flat. When I woke I was sitting tied to a chair; sitting across a nice wooden desk from the man I had sat across from not too many weeks before. It was him I had made the bet with, it was him I owed the money too. He asked me for it. I did not have it, I don't know why I ever expected to have it. He was not happy when I told him I had no money, but he was in know way suprised. He also, never expected me to have it. He was now going to do some very bad things to me. I had one out here, and I used it. I have now made a new bet. It is a double or nothing bet. If I lose I owe twice as much. If I win, I keep my life. I have now bet that West Ham United will not get relegated this season. The odds they will get relegated are around 3:1 by most bookies. Come on Hammers!! Do me this favour! If there is one thing in this world I have faith in, it's that the Hammers will always come through for me!

David Beckham: Could he arrive?

What a great coup that would be for the Hammers! David fucking Beckham playing in claret. He has denied the rumours but we can remain hopeful surely. If he wants to stay in the England squad, as he says he does, he really should move back to the Premier League and he could really shine at Upton Park. Beckham has leadership potential which could lift the entire team whilst at the same time has the skill to deliver results. Beckham is a great of British football and a Londoner at heart, I would happily watch him play for West Ham United.

Scott Parker: Please don't leave!

If I am going to win this bet, and West Ham United are going to stay up then they need to keep their best players. Scott Parker is certainly that. How he didn't get into the World Cup 2010 England Squad I do not know, but he bloody should have! He has been an unsung hero of all midfields he has been in and he has a leadership ability to match Beckhams. West Ham rejected Spurs' bid and I am grateful for it, Scott Parker can lead the team to good times this year and I will enjoy the ride!