So the English Premier League has kicked off once again, season 2010-2011 is officially under way, another chapter of my life begins (yes my life is catergorised by Premier Leauge season, as every mans life should be), but sadly another chapter starts in misery. Not only was the World Cup in South Africa possibly the most disappointing display an England team has ever put on in my life time, but my beloved West Ham United have only gone and fucking followed suit. What a joke! I been bloody looking forward to this season for ages, hoping that it might provide the ray of sunshine to drag me out of the duldrum that was the World Cup. And when Martin O'Neill (ex Aston Villa Manager) packed his bags and left I really thought we could get off to a good start this year. Aston Villa on the first day, a club in turmoil, surely West Ham could knick a victory. But no! Of course not, three bloody nil! This season best not carry on like this otherwise you won't half get some angry rants from me! Not to mention my bloody life or death bet! What a joke! I am now seriously worried for my health...another chapter of my life, another miserable season!
After the game I could not feel any more annoyed, but I had one plus side going through my mind - a night out on Broad Street in Brum. I had travelled up to watch the game with my mate Gaz, the other lads couldn't get tickets, and I was certain we were going to drown our sorrows. I said to Gaz as we left the club, "I am going to get these Villains back - I am going to find a nice piece of Brum totty, preferably a Villa fan and then ram my cock right up her whilst she wears her Villa shirt".
Gaz fucking wet himself, "yeah bet you will mate" he fucking cackled his head off when he said that.
"Nah I fucking will mate, I am going to roger some Villa fan so hard she ain't walking straight tomorrow!" I said to him with anger and determination pouring out of my voice.
"Bollox!" Simple reply from what is frankly a simple man
"Telling ya mate, will be easy, there all be on the town on the proper piss tonight - match day is a garentee pussy day trust me, especially as the fuckers won!" Nearly even convinced myself then
"Alright!" Gaz started, "If you're so certain it is so easy to get laid after a match day, why don't you fucking prove it?" He had the smuggest fucking grin on his face so I knew he was getting to a point.
"I will fucking prove it," I was pretty much barking this at him, "I will fucking prove it tonight, I'll fucking a Villa fan - not only will I fuck her but I'll get right up her rotten as well!"
Gaz nearly rolled on the ground laughing now, "Bollox! And fuck that, not just tonight mate. If it was just tonight that might just be down to slutty Brummies - no no no, you my friend will have to prove it all season long."
"Well how the fuck am I meant to do that"
"The Jersey Game!"
"And what the fuck is The Jersey Game," I answered having a small idea considering the nature of the conversation I was in.
"Ah, The Jersey Game my friend is where you have one season to complete the challenge, of fucking a girl in every football strip. Everytime you fuck a girl whilst she wears a football shirt you win that shirt (not literally that would be theft), by the end of the season you should've won 20 shirts. The Jersey Game!"
I was feeling proper macho right now though, I was angry after the football, high on testosterone and desperate to prove Gaz was a thick twat that was wrong! "Fuck it! I'll do it"
So that night I hit the town, I had a new mission! I was going to fuck a bird whilst she wore a Villa shirt. We hit a club called the Custard Factory (which I was a little fucked off to find out had fuck all to do with custard), not quite on Broad Street but Gaz had heard it was a 'pilltastic' time. With this in mind, we swallowed some big fat munting E's before we went in and then hit the bar for some vod-bulls which were on offer. Before long we were both fucking munted and dancing like loons on the dancefloor! Then I spotted her, a prime piece of totty wearing a tight, Villa shirt which she had tied in a knot at the bottom so that her toned midriff was showing. She also had this short little denim skirt on. Target Spotted! I think I literally ran over to her with excitement, probably not the best entrance as I barged through the group of guys that surrounded her - any of them could have been her boyfriend, one of them was. I grabbed her by the arms and screamed "Dance with me!" and pulled her close to me! Clearly I was not at my smoothest! Then some big fucking guy grabs me and rips me off her and pulls me behind him, he was now between me and her. I looked at him in his big huge Villa shirt...it also showed his midriff but not quite as pleasant a site...this was a big beer bellied, tattooed Villa fan that had been downing some serious pintage all day. He looked at me and simply said "That's my bird mate." He said it in this fucking annoying Brummy accent and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sorry mate, just wanted to fuck her ya know." I cackled.
"You what?" Getting even more high pitched in that annoying Brummy tone
"How did a lump like you get a piece of totty like that?" This was a mistake.
I now only remember seeing his very angry face, 4 chins wobbling with anger, and his big chubby fist swinging towards me. Then I remember bouncers literally throwing me out of the club and Gaz behind me.
Woke up this morning with a huge black eye to show for my troubles. Gaz also has some nice bruisers having apparently come to my aide! As we woke up in our tiny little travelodge room (more depressing then our night out) I turned to Gaz and said, "So that bet we made yesterday...The Jersey Game..."
"Still on mate"
"Bollox"
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