West Ham vs Blackpool - Score for god's sake!

Just got in, you have to be mental to think today's game wasn't brilliant! I have had the best night ever to go on top of that! What I love about Blackpool fans is that they love a good party! And a Blackpool bird is a bloody easy bird!

The Game


I just can't believe both teams inability to score! How many chances did both teams have in that game! I stood in the stands actually shocked...shocked! Some of those misses were crazy...from both teams! It should've been 6-6 not 0-0. But I bloody loved watching it! And that's why West Ham can't go down this season - the Premier League will miss us. We have always played great football, even at the hardest of times, and it is the same this season. We are struggling at the bottom of the table and we still turn up and play attacking football. To be fair today did some up every game for us this season, great football - no victory. Still as I keep saying, it's another point and points are good. At least we are plus one on what we were yesterday!


The Night that Followed


As I said, Blackpool girls no how to have fun! London was swarming with 'em tonight.All walking around with their shirts on (always a plus considoring we are trying to point score)! We popped into The Coach and Horses for our first few drinks and there was this table of Blackpool fans, some women some men. We got chatting with them...no bad feelings between any of us. We'd all witnessed a great game and were happy with that. We all agreed that both teams deserved to stay up this season and we enjoyed a bloody good piss up together. The Blackpool lads all looked quite rough - skinheads, tattoos, the works. The birds all looked chavvy and hot - blonde died hair, leggings, tattoos, big tits, the works.


So we are drinking away with them and it turns out that one of the Blackpool birds lives in London (the lads are her family and their birds). I find this out at the bar, Daz, Gaz and Butters are all at the table downing pints - I've got her to myself. So I buy her a tequila slammer and give her some chat. She loves it. Only one single bird of the lot and I've got her here! So we stay in The Coach and Horses until it kicks us out. The travelling Blackpool lot all head to their hotel, but the lads want to keep going. My Blackpool girl (Chloe) pulls me aside and says, "let's just go back to mine...just me and you." The magic words for any guy!

So the guys all headed off and god knows what they have got up to! But me and Chloe headed back to hers. She lives in a small flat with a group of her old uni mates. They were all asleep when we rock in, her tongue down my throat the whole time. I kept grabbing her arse, she had a great arse! She then goes to pull her top off, "no, no...leave it on. You look good in it," I tell her. As I reach up the shirt and pull down her leggings. She has a tiny thong which I pull down and she steps back, completely naked but her Blackpool top. I lift the top over my head and run my tongue across her pussy lips and she stands up - I actually feel her knees tremble. She then unbuttons my top and pulls it off, same with the jeans - taking my boxers with them. This is when I realise...I'm not hard! Why am I not hard!? She is stunning, she is naughty and she is up for it! And yet...I am in no way up for anything. She gives me a slightly bewildered look, she knows she is hot, she knows I should be hard...and yet I am not. She starts kissing my abs and pulling on my floppy cock in an attempt to get a rise out of me - it does not work. She is clearly skilled, she clearly knows what she is doing and yet...nothing! We go to her bedroom where she even tries going down, which to be honest was more off putting then anything - it was just a floppy cock being batted about by a tongue as it kept falling out her mouth. Her bewilderness was becoming restlessness, disappointment and disheartened. I decide to play the "let me" card and push her down and go down on her. She cums pretty hard as I tongue her clit whilst thrusting my fingers in her pussy, making sure I'm stroking her G Spot with my usual 'come hither' move. She was a moaner when she came - probably woke up her flatmates. I would usually love this, and yet still nothing! Sadly, she is the insatiable type and doesn't just want to sleep after cumming, she wants more and she wants my cock. No can do!

I make some rubbish excuse like needing the toilet and head to her toilet. Running across her flat naked - don't think her flatmates saw me. In the toilet I furiously wank, desperate to get a rise out of the little bugger - massive bugger I meant to say. I think about the big arsed Bolton bird I banged a couple weeks back and get it nice and hard. I run back to her room, making sure I enter in a non-chalent manner and she see's how hard I am. Her eyes light up when she sees it and she shoves it into her mouth! My suspiscions were correct - she does know what she is doing! As she sucks me I run my fingers along her very wet pussy, she is completely shaved and I can feel her pussy juice running along her skin. Just before I cum in her mouth she stops, leaving me begging - what a pro! She then pushed me back and climbed on top - Blackpool shirt still on! She slips my hard, pulsating cock into her wet pussy and I feel it dripping down my shaft as she rides me! She is loving it! So am I, it is really good! Which is why I cannot explain what happened next...it fell out. My cock had lost it's hardness and as she got into it riding me furiously it just slipped out. She looked down at it, now completely disheartened...she thought it was her! I suspect it was...but why I can't answer. She tried rubbing it again and I tried thinking of my Bolton bang but that didn't work.

She ended up getting really annoyed and kicked me out before I came. I don't think I can count that as a Jersey can I? Still I pulled a hot bird and drank with some great dudes...I had a good night, just the result could've been better...summed up my day really.

Birmingham vs West Ham - Robbed by ref, but got a Jersey

So I have literally just got in!! I am full on drunk so apologise if my writing is a bit eractic. Anyway, the game was a complete joke!! We were robbed again! The lads went out their and rocked the joint, but the ref conned us out the three points! Still a point ain't a bad thing, and another good performance! If we keep playing well then the victory will come!

After the game it got really messy! Me and Gaz have been texting the two birds from last night throughout the day...they are proper DTF! They have agreed that after the game they will ditch their blokes and come meet us! Full on awesome! We have even convinced them that they gotta keep their footie shirts on cos we love a girl in a footy shirt - how very true!

We end up meeting the birds in this bar in Brum, god knows what it is called. Gaz and I had already snorted far too much in this time and had done some serious jaeger shots in the hotel bar! We of course had different rooms...no swapping of swords thank you! So we meet these birds...who have also been piling the drink in all day and are gone! They are immediatly all over us! We only have a few drinks before we are back at one of their flats! Apparently, Tracy (the slightly bigger one and the one I'm with) lives with her bf but has told him its girls night and she is staying with Tina (also rather large but a little less so, Gaz' bird). This is great for us, except Tina lives in a one bedroom flat! Oh dear, swords may cross! It was not long before clothes were being taken off (obv not footy jerseys) and naughty bits were being fondled! What I do like about big girls...huge tits! I was all over this girls tits...my hands were constantly up that shirt! I had managed to get her to not wear a bra tonight which was a personal triumph. I could tell when she was proper horny because her nipples got hard and were pointing through the shirt!

After a bit, Tina dragged a near naked Gaz into her bedroom. She of course was naked but a shirt; as she walked off I could see her fat ass jiggling below it...didn't help when Gaz spanked it! It was not long before some very interesting noises were coming from that room...from both Tina and Gaz. He had clearly got a Jersey...I needed to secure mine!

I didn't have to work hard, oddly spurred on by the noise of her friend cumming Tracy grabbed my fingers and thrust them into her...she was full on wet so i knew i was in. I lifted her shirt up over her huge tits (making sure she knew i didn't want it completely off) and flicked her hard nipple with my tongue. She then took charge...she pushed me back and bent over...her huge ass sticking in the air.
"Fuck me!" she begged...I could see her pussy dripping and looked at my hand to see her wetness all over my fingers.

I spanked her ass which made it jiggle...I loved this, and grabbed her flabby cheeks hard as I thrusted my cock in. She was so wet it went in easy! I fucked her had and fast and she moaned loudly. She spanked her own ass as she flung her head back and begged for it "harder" and "faster!" I could tell she was a naughty one so I shoved my thumb in her ass and she let out this huge moan...I couldn't tell if it was pleasure or pain but I just kept thrusting in her hard whilst thumbing her ass!! It felt so good, her wet pussy dripping down my cock as I pounded against her cushioned cheeks...it wasn't long before I was close! I had heard Gaz making Tina cum and wanted to make sure he heard Tracy! She kept yelling "nearly there, nearly there!" I needed her to be there now...because I was! I pulled my thumb out her ass and reached round to start rubbing her clit fast! I swear to god I have never had such a reaction! She came so hard and fast with the biggest moan...Gaz definitly heard that! Her pussy lips vibrating as she came was enough to make me blow my load and I shooted cum inside her! She then laid down shaking with pleasure and I sat back, looked down at my cum covered, semi-erect cock and my poo stained thumb. Quality night!!

Win it for Gold!

Tonight I am heading up to Brum with Gaz to watch the Birmingham vs West Ham game. Someone who won't be making that trip is the West Ham owner David Gold. Just because the Brummies are upset that he left them to move to a bigger and better club!

We may be without Nolan tomorrow, we may be bottom of the table - but we still play free flowing quality football and man-to-man we can beat Birmingham. I have faith, this weekend is going to crazy! We will win it for Gold!

So Me and Gaz are hitting this weekend with a plan. We want to get some Jerseys this weekend, get back on track with the game! So we are heading out in Brum looking to meet some ladies and our plan is this, we figured the more girls we talk to the quicker we seperate the West Brom, Brum and Wolves fans. Then we would give the Brum fans some chat, if we can get a Jersey on the first night then great, if not we get their numbers keep giving them chat via text and if nothing better comes up after the game we get out the most DTF girl and see what we can get.

West Ham 1 Newcastle 2 - Grant losing fans

Another bitterly disappointing game! At the start of this season I would've had Newcastle as one of our relegation rivals, whilst we sadly remain bottom of the table Newcastle are riding (vaguely) high at ninth. How has this happened? Oh yeah, they have quality players. I like Piquionne and Obinna (mainly because I have to their our own hope) but they are not Andy Carroll are they! In fact I think Newcastle are probably only jealous of the fact we have Scott Parker rather then mentalist Joey Barton. I did almost get excited when Cole actually decided to turn up to a game this season and gave us the lead, but as always it was short lived as we crumbled when Newcastle dared to score against us. I have to say I was enraged by the way we deflated once they equalised and Newcastle thoroughly deserved the win in the end. I admit to booing as the players and Grant left the pitch. I have had enough, something has to change. I don't if its Grant or not, but something has to! We are bottom, deservedly so and we need to start picking up points against teams like Newcastle at home.

Post-game wasn't much better. Gaz actually started chatting up a Geordie bird at half-time and had won her jersey by the time the game was over. He got talking to her in a queue for chips, she was a brave one that had tickets for the wrong end but still worn her shirt. Then again, she was fit! When you're hot you can get away with anything! She had this long blonde hair (dyed I think), she had quite a thick tan (fake I'm sure, there's no sun in Newcastle) and she was wearing these jeans that showed off her long toned legs and tight ass. Her Newcastle shirt was tightly fitted to show off her perky breasts. Me, Daz and Butters gawped from a distance as Gaz gave her some proper chat. In the second half, Gaz never joined us in the stands (he didn't miss much), at The Boleyn later he informed us that once everyone had rushed back into the stands he and the bird had gone into a toilet and well, he won her jersey. Lucky prick! After the game we all felt quite deflated and Gaz had already got laid and won his jersey - needless to say we downed a couple of pints which failed to cheer us up and we slunk home, the rest of us failing to secure jerseys.

Manchester United vs West Ham

Loosing on the pitch
We are shit! I cannot believe how poor we are this season! Ok I would always kind of expect to be handed our arses against Man Utd, but to be three games in and not have a point - it is not looking good! And we struggled past Oxford United! We are shit!

Loosing off the pitch

So now both Daz and Gaz have collected the United shirt. I am still on 0 and Gaz is on 2 and Daz on 1. Butters of course is on 0. So we head up to Manchester for the game, didn't bother with the Oxford game, we all have money issues and that game just didn't seem worth the money. Luckily we were right. So we head up to Manchester, we are ok with the result; we got to see a great team play football (Manchester United not West Ham), and have a few pints. We each get a room in a near by Holiday Inn and we head into town. Trying to avoid the flourishing gay district of course! We all took some E, drank some vod-bulls and then headed to Sankeys, this club in Manchester. All fucked off our heads by 11pm. By midnight I was violently being sick. I was well in with this girl as well. We were proper pushed up against eachother type. My hand was running down her back and grabbing her hot, pert arse. She was running her fingertips up my shirt, feeling my abs. Our lips seemed to be in a constant embrace, except when broken by our tongues meeting. A few times she even ran her hand over my jeans to feel how hard she had got me...very!
I was proper loving it! Granted she was wearing a short, white dress with her tits hanging out, not a Manchester United or West Ham United shirt, but she was fit as fuck so fuck it!
Wasn't to be though. Some prick bashed into me and I banged against her elbow, she winded me and as I was already fucked I through up all over her white dress. She was not impressed. I then ran to the toilet and through up more, throwing up the whole time making my way there. It wasn't long before the bouncers came in, grabbed me and threw me out.

What made it worse is what Daz and Gaz were bragging about over our fry-ups the next day. Whilst I was throwing up on gorgeous women and then being unkindly escorted out the club, they were talking to two hot totties in United shirts. They had been at the game earlier apparently. The bastards only went back with them. Apparently fucked them in the same room, dirty Mancs! They were literally 4ft apart. Both claim to have not peaked over so no banter of poor performance as yet...sure all will be revealed in drunken futures though!

Still, gotta start catching up, gotta start fucking

Failing to score on and off the pitch - West Ham vs Bolton Wanderers

On The Pitch

Why the fuck can't we beat Bolton bloody Wanderers? It's Bolton...come on! 7times in a row we have lost to the team that take boring football to an art form.

To be fair, as Mr Grant keeps claiming, we didn't play badly, especially in the first half - we are just incapable of bloody winning. I love the fact that The Hammers always give it a go and play some football, but sometimes I just wish we would go the Bolton route and just grind the fuck out of a game until we manage that win.

I think I am going to blame that bloody Bolton keeper with the name that is crazy, Jussi will do, saving all our bloody shots. I mean let's face it, Carlton cole's penalty was especially shit. What happened to that man? He was the hero of Upton not long ago, now he is...well, Carlton cole.

Poor Matty Upson though, the man is our rock, and if he is having an off game and scoring an own goal then you know we are fucked! When Chang-chin Lin assisted their goal hope was all but gone. Thank god Noble took the second penalty, step aside Mr Cole, bit of quality from Noble showed us that we could have hope this season.

Still wasn't enough and we are officially 0 for 2, I still have hope - I have to really - but let's ensure Bolton are the only team that remain known as a 'bogey team'


Off The Pitch

The night out that followed yesterday's footballing debacle was no better!

Following the game we wondered down to my flat, I live not far from Upton Park, and we began to drink our sorrows away. Giving our two cents on every fuck up on that pitch. How we could have won, how we will avoid the drop, and most importantly should Grant stay. Vodka Redbulls got passed around quickly and we tried to relieve our sorrows. Me, Gaz, Daz and Butters had gone to the game - all season ticket holders. We know a lot of people who follow West Ham almost as religiously as we do and we were preparing too meet up with them later tonight and have these exact same debates. These were almost like our practice debates.

Over the last week, Daz, Gaz and Butters have all agreed that they too shall take part in The Jersey Game. We are now all 24/7 on the pull. Tonight I am looking to scratch one off the list. I am on the hunt for either a Hammer girl (always dirrty totty) or a Bolton girl (hopefully more interesting than the team they support). We headed down Green Street to The Queens where we met the rest of the lads. Everyone was in there already, well on their way. I got in the first round and straight away ran my eyes around the bar. No one really took my fancy I must say. Just loadsa butch, pissed off Hammers fans with more tattoos then me. No one that could in anyway cheer me up! So after a few drinks, couple of rounds of 21, we headed into central. We went into Onanon's, where the cheap pussy goes. This proper dirrty looking barmaid comes up to us dressed in camoflage, she has two tequila bottles with her. We all do shots. Her tits are bursting out her top. We all do more shots. We then neck a beer, play a round of Yee-Haa! and by the end I am completely fucked.

It is about 1:30am when I spot her. Not long until closing time and I am so hammered I have no idea how I am even standing. I am pretty sure the phrase 'to be hammered' must come from nights out with the West Ham lads, we fucking go for it. I see her dancing away with her mates. A group of girls all in Bolton Wanderers shirts, all looking proper grim; except one. She is stunning. Long blonde hair, tight ass. Clearly no bra on under the top, it is white and her nipples are bursting out of it. Dirrty totty! I head straight over there, eyes fixed on the hot blonde. I burst through the rotters that she calls friends, I have no time for niceties with them. I grab this Trotter by the hips and push her towards me. My leg goes between hers and she is basically sitting on my thigh. I start grinding with her, staring into her eyes. She looks back at mine. This is it! I am well in here!

I wasn't...she then headbutted me. It knocked me back, I was fucking shocked. I then turned around to see my mates pissing themselves and then fists from big butch rotters wearing Bolton 'fucking' Wanderers shirts started pounding into me. Luckily the bouncers came quickly to my rescue, especially lucky as my friends were too busy rolling on the ground with laughter to help. I was then escorted off the premises, I say escorted - I mean thrown into an alley, with force. I then called a taxi and awoke this morning an unhappy man.

I got a phone call later that day. It was Gaz.
"Alright mate, just wanted to see how you doing after your action last night."
"Fuck off!"
"Also wanted to let you know I got some action of my own."
"Fuck off, with who?"
"That blonde tottie that hit you round the head"
"Bollox!"
"No mate, fact, she was quite nice after I went up and apologised on your behalf. Cheers for that opening mate, got me first shirt there!"
"Oh fuuuuck off!"
Gaz now pissing himself ended with, "Don't worry mate, we play them again this season - you still have a chance!"
What a Prick!

Dismal Kick Off Premier League Season, Shit Night Out - The Birth of The Jersey Game

So the English Premier League has kicked off once again, season 2010-2011 is officially under way, another chapter of my life begins (yes my life is catergorised by Premier Leauge season, as every mans life should be), but sadly another chapter starts in misery. Not only was the World Cup in South Africa possibly the most disappointing display an England team has ever put on in my life time, but my beloved West Ham United have only gone and fucking followed suit. What a joke! I been bloody looking forward to this season for ages, hoping that it might provide the ray of sunshine to drag me out of the duldrum that was the World Cup. And when Martin O'Neill (ex Aston Villa Manager) packed his bags and left I really thought we could get off to a good start this year. Aston Villa on the first day, a club in turmoil, surely West Ham could knick a victory. But no! Of course not, three bloody nil! This season best not carry on like this otherwise you won't half get some angry rants from me! Not to mention my bloody life or death bet! What a joke! I am now seriously worried for my health...another chapter of my life, another miserable season!

After the game I could not feel any more annoyed, but I had one plus side going through my mind - a night out on Broad Street in Brum. I had travelled up to watch the game with my mate Gaz, the other lads couldn't get tickets, and I was certain we were going to drown our sorrows. I said to Gaz as we left the club, "I am going to get these Villains back - I am going to find a nice piece of Brum totty, preferably a Villa fan and then ram my cock right up her whilst she wears her Villa shirt".
Gaz fucking wet himself, "yeah bet you will mate" he fucking cackled his head off when he said that.
"Nah I fucking will mate, I am going to roger some Villa fan so hard she ain't walking straight tomorrow!" I said to him with anger and determination pouring out of my voice.
"Bollox!" Simple reply from what is frankly a simple man
"Telling ya mate, will be easy, there all be on the town on the proper piss tonight - match day is a garentee pussy day trust me, especially as the fuckers won!" Nearly even convinced myself then
"Alright!" Gaz started, "If you're so certain it is so easy to get laid after a match day, why don't you fucking prove it?" He had the smuggest fucking grin on his face so I knew he was getting to a point.
"I will fucking prove it," I was pretty much barking this at him, "I will fucking prove it tonight, I'll fucking a Villa fan - not only will I fuck her but I'll get right up her rotten as well!"
Gaz nearly rolled on the ground laughing now, "Bollox! And fuck that, not just tonight mate. If it was just tonight that might just be down to slutty Brummies - no no no, you my friend will have to prove it all season long."
"Well how the fuck am I meant to do that"
"The Jersey Game!"
"And what the fuck is The Jersey Game," I answered having a small idea considering the nature of the conversation I was in.
"Ah, The Jersey Game my friend is where you have one season to complete the challenge, of fucking a girl in every football strip. Everytime you fuck a girl whilst she wears a football shirt you win that shirt (not literally that would be theft), by the end of the season you should've won 20 shirts. The Jersey Game!"
I was feeling proper macho right now though, I was angry after the football, high on testosterone and desperate to prove Gaz was a thick twat that was wrong! "Fuck it! I'll do it"

So that night I hit the town, I had a new mission! I was going to fuck a bird whilst she wore a Villa shirt. We hit a club called the Custard Factory (which I was a little fucked off to find out had fuck all to do with custard), not quite on Broad Street but Gaz had heard it was a 'pilltastic' time. With this in mind, we swallowed some big fat munting E's before we went in and then hit the bar for some vod-bulls which were on offer. Before long we were both fucking munted and dancing like loons on the dancefloor! Then I spotted her, a prime piece of totty wearing a tight, Villa shirt which she had tied in a knot at the bottom so that her toned midriff was showing. She also had this short little denim skirt on. Target Spotted! I think I literally ran over to her with excitement, probably not the best entrance as I barged through the group of guys that surrounded her - any of them could have been her boyfriend, one of them was. I grabbed her by the arms and screamed "Dance with me!" and pulled her close to me! Clearly I was not at my smoothest! Then some big fucking guy grabs me and rips me off her and pulls me behind him, he was now between me and her. I looked at him in his big huge Villa shirt...it also showed his midriff but not quite as pleasant a site...this was a big beer bellied, tattooed Villa fan that had been downing some serious pintage all day. He looked at me and simply said "That's my bird mate." He said it in this fucking annoying Brummy accent and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sorry mate, just wanted to fuck her ya know." I cackled.
"You what?" Getting even more high pitched in that annoying Brummy tone
"How did a lump like you get a piece of totty like that?" This was a mistake.
I now only remember seeing his very angry face, 4 chins wobbling with anger, and his big chubby fist swinging towards me. Then I remember bouncers literally throwing me out of the club and Gaz behind me.

Woke up this morning with a huge black eye to show for my troubles. Gaz also has some nice bruisers having apparently come to my aide! As we woke up in our tiny little travelodge room (more depressing then our night out) I turned to Gaz and said, "So that bet we made yesterday...The Jersey Game..."
"Still on mate"
"Bollox"