Tonight I am heading up to Brum with Gaz to watch the Birmingham vs West Ham game. Someone who won't be making that trip is the West Ham owner David Gold. Just because the Brummies are upset that he left them to move to a bigger and better club!
We may be without Nolan tomorrow, we may be bottom of the table - but we still play free flowing quality football and man-to-man we can beat Birmingham. I have faith, this weekend is going to crazy! We will win it for Gold!
So Me and Gaz are hitting this weekend with a plan. We want to get some Jerseys this weekend, get back on track with the game! So we are heading out in Brum looking to meet some ladies and our plan is this, we figured the more girls we talk to the quicker we seperate the West Brom, Brum and Wolves fans. Then we would give the Brum fans some chat, if we can get a Jersey on the first night then great, if not we get their numbers keep giving them chat via text and if nothing better comes up after the game we get out the most DTF girl and see what we can get.
Showing posts with label premier league. Show all posts
Showing posts with label premier league. Show all posts
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Failing to score on and off the pitch - West Ham vs Bolton Wanderers
On The Pitch
Why the fuck can't we beat Bolton bloody Wanderers? It's Bolton...come on! 7times in a row we have lost to the team that take boring football to an art form.
To be fair, as Mr Grant keeps claiming, we didn't play badly, especially in the first half - we are just incapable of bloody winning. I love the fact that The Hammers always give it a go and play some football, but sometimes I just wish we would go the Bolton route and just grind the fuck out of a game until we manage that win.
I think I am going to blame that bloody Bolton keeper with the name that is crazy, Jussi will do, saving all our bloody shots. I mean let's face it, Carlton cole's penalty was especially shit. What happened to that man? He was the hero of Upton not long ago, now he is...well, Carlton cole.
Poor Matty Upson though, the man is our rock, and if he is having an off game and scoring an own goal then you know we are fucked! When Chang-chin Lin assisted their goal hope was all but gone. Thank god Noble took the second penalty, step aside Mr Cole, bit of quality from Noble showed us that we could have hope this season.
Still wasn't enough and we are officially 0 for 2, I still have hope - I have to really - but let's ensure Bolton are the only team that remain known as a 'bogey team'
Off The Pitch
The night out that followed yesterday's footballing debacle was no better!
Following the game we wondered down to my flat, I live not far from Upton Park, and we began to drink our sorrows away. Giving our two cents on every fuck up on that pitch. How we could have won, how we will avoid the drop, and most importantly should Grant stay. Vodka Redbulls got passed around quickly and we tried to relieve our sorrows. Me, Gaz, Daz and Butters had gone to the game - all season ticket holders. We know a lot of people who follow West Ham almost as religiously as we do and we were preparing too meet up with them later tonight and have these exact same debates. These were almost like our practice debates.
Over the last week, Daz, Gaz and Butters have all agreed that they too shall take part in The Jersey Game. We are now all 24/7 on the pull. Tonight I am looking to scratch one off the list. I am on the hunt for either a Hammer girl (always dirrty totty) or a Bolton girl (hopefully more interesting than the team they support). We headed down Green Street to The Queens where we met the rest of the lads. Everyone was in there already, well on their way. I got in the first round and straight away ran my eyes around the bar. No one really took my fancy I must say. Just loadsa butch, pissed off Hammers fans with more tattoos then me. No one that could in anyway cheer me up! So after a few drinks, couple of rounds of 21, we headed into central. We went into Onanon's, where the cheap pussy goes. This proper dirrty looking barmaid comes up to us dressed in camoflage, she has two tequila bottles with her. We all do shots. Her tits are bursting out her top. We all do more shots. We then neck a beer, play a round of Yee-Haa! and by the end I am completely fucked.
It is about 1:30am when I spot her. Not long until closing time and I am so hammered I have no idea how I am even standing. I am pretty sure the phrase 'to be hammered' must come from nights out with the West Ham lads, we fucking go for it. I see her dancing away with her mates. A group of girls all in Bolton Wanderers shirts, all looking proper grim; except one. She is stunning. Long blonde hair, tight ass. Clearly no bra on under the top, it is white and her nipples are bursting out of it. Dirrty totty! I head straight over there, eyes fixed on the hot blonde. I burst through the rotters that she calls friends, I have no time for niceties with them. I grab this Trotter by the hips and push her towards me. My leg goes between hers and she is basically sitting on my thigh. I start grinding with her, staring into her eyes. She looks back at mine. This is it! I am well in here!
I wasn't...she then headbutted me. It knocked me back, I was fucking shocked. I then turned around to see my mates pissing themselves and then fists from big butch rotters wearing Bolton 'fucking' Wanderers shirts started pounding into me. Luckily the bouncers came quickly to my rescue, especially lucky as my friends were too busy rolling on the ground with laughter to help. I was then escorted off the premises, I say escorted - I mean thrown into an alley, with force. I then called a taxi and awoke this morning an unhappy man.
I got a phone call later that day. It was Gaz.
"Alright mate, just wanted to see how you doing after your action last night."
"Fuck off!"
"Also wanted to let you know I got some action of my own."
"Fuck off, with who?"
"That blonde tottie that hit you round the head"
"Bollox!"
"No mate, fact, she was quite nice after I went up and apologised on your behalf. Cheers for that opening mate, got me first shirt there!"
"Oh fuuuuck off!"
Gaz now pissing himself ended with, "Don't worry mate, we play them again this season - you still have a chance!"
What a Prick!
Why the fuck can't we beat Bolton bloody Wanderers? It's Bolton...come on! 7times in a row we have lost to the team that take boring football to an art form.
To be fair, as Mr Grant keeps claiming, we didn't play badly, especially in the first half - we are just incapable of bloody winning. I love the fact that The Hammers always give it a go and play some football, but sometimes I just wish we would go the Bolton route and just grind the fuck out of a game until we manage that win.
I think I am going to blame that bloody Bolton keeper with the name that is crazy, Jussi will do, saving all our bloody shots. I mean let's face it, Carlton cole's penalty was especially shit. What happened to that man? He was the hero of Upton not long ago, now he is...well, Carlton cole.
Poor Matty Upson though, the man is our rock, and if he is having an off game and scoring an own goal then you know we are fucked! When Chang-chin Lin assisted their goal hope was all but gone. Thank god Noble took the second penalty, step aside Mr Cole, bit of quality from Noble showed us that we could have hope this season.
Still wasn't enough and we are officially 0 for 2, I still have hope - I have to really - but let's ensure Bolton are the only team that remain known as a 'bogey team'
Off The Pitch
The night out that followed yesterday's footballing debacle was no better!
Following the game we wondered down to my flat, I live not far from Upton Park, and we began to drink our sorrows away. Giving our two cents on every fuck up on that pitch. How we could have won, how we will avoid the drop, and most importantly should Grant stay. Vodka Redbulls got passed around quickly and we tried to relieve our sorrows. Me, Gaz, Daz and Butters had gone to the game - all season ticket holders. We know a lot of people who follow West Ham almost as religiously as we do and we were preparing too meet up with them later tonight and have these exact same debates. These were almost like our practice debates.
Over the last week, Daz, Gaz and Butters have all agreed that they too shall take part in The Jersey Game. We are now all 24/7 on the pull. Tonight I am looking to scratch one off the list. I am on the hunt for either a Hammer girl (always dirrty totty) or a Bolton girl (hopefully more interesting than the team they support). We headed down Green Street to The Queens where we met the rest of the lads. Everyone was in there already, well on their way. I got in the first round and straight away ran my eyes around the bar. No one really took my fancy I must say. Just loadsa butch, pissed off Hammers fans with more tattoos then me. No one that could in anyway cheer me up! So after a few drinks, couple of rounds of 21, we headed into central. We went into Onanon's, where the cheap pussy goes. This proper dirrty looking barmaid comes up to us dressed in camoflage, she has two tequila bottles with her. We all do shots. Her tits are bursting out her top. We all do more shots. We then neck a beer, play a round of Yee-Haa! and by the end I am completely fucked.
It is about 1:30am when I spot her. Not long until closing time and I am so hammered I have no idea how I am even standing. I am pretty sure the phrase 'to be hammered' must come from nights out with the West Ham lads, we fucking go for it. I see her dancing away with her mates. A group of girls all in Bolton Wanderers shirts, all looking proper grim; except one. She is stunning. Long blonde hair, tight ass. Clearly no bra on under the top, it is white and her nipples are bursting out of it. Dirrty totty! I head straight over there, eyes fixed on the hot blonde. I burst through the rotters that she calls friends, I have no time for niceties with them. I grab this Trotter by the hips and push her towards me. My leg goes between hers and she is basically sitting on my thigh. I start grinding with her, staring into her eyes. She looks back at mine. This is it! I am well in here!
I wasn't...she then headbutted me. It knocked me back, I was fucking shocked. I then turned around to see my mates pissing themselves and then fists from big butch rotters wearing Bolton 'fucking' Wanderers shirts started pounding into me. Luckily the bouncers came quickly to my rescue, especially lucky as my friends were too busy rolling on the ground with laughter to help. I was then escorted off the premises, I say escorted - I mean thrown into an alley, with force. I then called a taxi and awoke this morning an unhappy man.
I got a phone call later that day. It was Gaz.
"Alright mate, just wanted to see how you doing after your action last night."
"Fuck off!"
"Also wanted to let you know I got some action of my own."
"Fuck off, with who?"
"That blonde tottie that hit you round the head"
"Bollox!"
"No mate, fact, she was quite nice after I went up and apologised on your behalf. Cheers for that opening mate, got me first shirt there!"
"Oh fuuuuck off!"
Gaz now pissing himself ended with, "Don't worry mate, we play them again this season - you still have a chance!"
What a Prick!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Dismal Kick Off Premier League Season, Shit Night Out - The Birth of The Jersey Game
So the English Premier League has kicked off once again, season 2010-2011 is officially under way, another chapter of my life begins (yes my life is catergorised by Premier Leauge season, as every mans life should be), but sadly another chapter starts in misery. Not only was the World Cup in South Africa possibly the most disappointing display an England team has ever put on in my life time, but my beloved West Ham United have only gone and fucking followed suit. What a joke! I been bloody looking forward to this season for ages, hoping that it might provide the ray of sunshine to drag me out of the duldrum that was the World Cup. And when Martin O'Neill (ex Aston Villa Manager) packed his bags and left I really thought we could get off to a good start this year. Aston Villa on the first day, a club in turmoil, surely West Ham could knick a victory. But no! Of course not, three bloody nil! This season best not carry on like this otherwise you won't half get some angry rants from me! Not to mention my bloody life or death bet! What a joke! I am now seriously worried for my health...another chapter of my life, another miserable season!
After the game I could not feel any more annoyed, but I had one plus side going through my mind - a night out on Broad Street in Brum. I had travelled up to watch the game with my mate Gaz, the other lads couldn't get tickets, and I was certain we were going to drown our sorrows. I said to Gaz as we left the club, "I am going to get these Villains back - I am going to find a nice piece of Brum totty, preferably a Villa fan and then ram my cock right up her whilst she wears her Villa shirt".
Gaz fucking wet himself, "yeah bet you will mate" he fucking cackled his head off when he said that.
"Nah I fucking will mate, I am going to roger some Villa fan so hard she ain't walking straight tomorrow!" I said to him with anger and determination pouring out of my voice.
"Bollox!" Simple reply from what is frankly a simple man
"Telling ya mate, will be easy, there all be on the town on the proper piss tonight - match day is a garentee pussy day trust me, especially as the fuckers won!" Nearly even convinced myself then
"Alright!" Gaz started, "If you're so certain it is so easy to get laid after a match day, why don't you fucking prove it?" He had the smuggest fucking grin on his face so I knew he was getting to a point.
"I will fucking prove it," I was pretty much barking this at him, "I will fucking prove it tonight, I'll fucking a Villa fan - not only will I fuck her but I'll get right up her rotten as well!"
Gaz nearly rolled on the ground laughing now, "Bollox! And fuck that, not just tonight mate. If it was just tonight that might just be down to slutty Brummies - no no no, you my friend will have to prove it all season long."
"Well how the fuck am I meant to do that"
"The Jersey Game!"
"And what the fuck is The Jersey Game," I answered having a small idea considering the nature of the conversation I was in.
"Ah, The Jersey Game my friend is where you have one season to complete the challenge, of fucking a girl in every football strip. Everytime you fuck a girl whilst she wears a football shirt you win that shirt (not literally that would be theft), by the end of the season you should've won 20 shirts. The Jersey Game!"
I was feeling proper macho right now though, I was angry after the football, high on testosterone and desperate to prove Gaz was a thick twat that was wrong! "Fuck it! I'll do it"
So that night I hit the town, I had a new mission! I was going to fuck a bird whilst she wore a Villa shirt. We hit a club called the Custard Factory (which I was a little fucked off to find out had fuck all to do with custard), not quite on Broad Street but Gaz had heard it was a 'pilltastic' time. With this in mind, we swallowed some big fat munting E's before we went in and then hit the bar for some vod-bulls which were on offer. Before long we were both fucking munted and dancing like loons on the dancefloor! Then I spotted her, a prime piece of totty wearing a tight, Villa shirt which she had tied in a knot at the bottom so that her toned midriff was showing. She also had this short little denim skirt on. Target Spotted! I think I literally ran over to her with excitement, probably not the best entrance as I barged through the group of guys that surrounded her - any of them could have been her boyfriend, one of them was. I grabbed her by the arms and screamed "Dance with me!" and pulled her close to me! Clearly I was not at my smoothest! Then some big fucking guy grabs me and rips me off her and pulls me behind him, he was now between me and her. I looked at him in his big huge Villa shirt...it also showed his midriff but not quite as pleasant a site...this was a big beer bellied, tattooed Villa fan that had been downing some serious pintage all day. He looked at me and simply said "That's my bird mate." He said it in this fucking annoying Brummy accent and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sorry mate, just wanted to fuck her ya know." I cackled.
"You what?" Getting even more high pitched in that annoying Brummy tone
"How did a lump like you get a piece of totty like that?" This was a mistake.
I now only remember seeing his very angry face, 4 chins wobbling with anger, and his big chubby fist swinging towards me. Then I remember bouncers literally throwing me out of the club and Gaz behind me.
Woke up this morning with a huge black eye to show for my troubles. Gaz also has some nice bruisers having apparently come to my aide! As we woke up in our tiny little travelodge room (more depressing then our night out) I turned to Gaz and said, "So that bet we made yesterday...The Jersey Game..."
"Still on mate"
"Bollox"
After the game I could not feel any more annoyed, but I had one plus side going through my mind - a night out on Broad Street in Brum. I had travelled up to watch the game with my mate Gaz, the other lads couldn't get tickets, and I was certain we were going to drown our sorrows. I said to Gaz as we left the club, "I am going to get these Villains back - I am going to find a nice piece of Brum totty, preferably a Villa fan and then ram my cock right up her whilst she wears her Villa shirt".
Gaz fucking wet himself, "yeah bet you will mate" he fucking cackled his head off when he said that.
"Nah I fucking will mate, I am going to roger some Villa fan so hard she ain't walking straight tomorrow!" I said to him with anger and determination pouring out of my voice.
"Bollox!" Simple reply from what is frankly a simple man
"Telling ya mate, will be easy, there all be on the town on the proper piss tonight - match day is a garentee pussy day trust me, especially as the fuckers won!" Nearly even convinced myself then
"Alright!" Gaz started, "If you're so certain it is so easy to get laid after a match day, why don't you fucking prove it?" He had the smuggest fucking grin on his face so I knew he was getting to a point.
"I will fucking prove it," I was pretty much barking this at him, "I will fucking prove it tonight, I'll fucking a Villa fan - not only will I fuck her but I'll get right up her rotten as well!"
Gaz nearly rolled on the ground laughing now, "Bollox! And fuck that, not just tonight mate. If it was just tonight that might just be down to slutty Brummies - no no no, you my friend will have to prove it all season long."
"Well how the fuck am I meant to do that"
"The Jersey Game!"
"And what the fuck is The Jersey Game," I answered having a small idea considering the nature of the conversation I was in.
"Ah, The Jersey Game my friend is where you have one season to complete the challenge, of fucking a girl in every football strip. Everytime you fuck a girl whilst she wears a football shirt you win that shirt (not literally that would be theft), by the end of the season you should've won 20 shirts. The Jersey Game!"
I was feeling proper macho right now though, I was angry after the football, high on testosterone and desperate to prove Gaz was a thick twat that was wrong! "Fuck it! I'll do it"
So that night I hit the town, I had a new mission! I was going to fuck a bird whilst she wore a Villa shirt. We hit a club called the Custard Factory (which I was a little fucked off to find out had fuck all to do with custard), not quite on Broad Street but Gaz had heard it was a 'pilltastic' time. With this in mind, we swallowed some big fat munting E's before we went in and then hit the bar for some vod-bulls which were on offer. Before long we were both fucking munted and dancing like loons on the dancefloor! Then I spotted her, a prime piece of totty wearing a tight, Villa shirt which she had tied in a knot at the bottom so that her toned midriff was showing. She also had this short little denim skirt on. Target Spotted! I think I literally ran over to her with excitement, probably not the best entrance as I barged through the group of guys that surrounded her - any of them could have been her boyfriend, one of them was. I grabbed her by the arms and screamed "Dance with me!" and pulled her close to me! Clearly I was not at my smoothest! Then some big fucking guy grabs me and rips me off her and pulls me behind him, he was now between me and her. I looked at him in his big huge Villa shirt...it also showed his midriff but not quite as pleasant a site...this was a big beer bellied, tattooed Villa fan that had been downing some serious pintage all day. He looked at me and simply said "That's my bird mate." He said it in this fucking annoying Brummy accent and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sorry mate, just wanted to fuck her ya know." I cackled.
"You what?" Getting even more high pitched in that annoying Brummy tone
"How did a lump like you get a piece of totty like that?" This was a mistake.
I now only remember seeing his very angry face, 4 chins wobbling with anger, and his big chubby fist swinging towards me. Then I remember bouncers literally throwing me out of the club and Gaz behind me.
Woke up this morning with a huge black eye to show for my troubles. Gaz also has some nice bruisers having apparently come to my aide! As we woke up in our tiny little travelodge room (more depressing then our night out) I turned to Gaz and said, "So that bet we made yesterday...The Jersey Game..."
"Still on mate"
"Bollox"
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