A Victory on the Pitch
Get in! We beat the Jids! North London reckon they can come East and boss us around? Never gonna happen is it? No way, not only did we play them off the park but we got the win and moved off bottom spot! The resurgence starts here! Obinna and Piquionne are going to take us all the way and avoid the ol' regulation battle! Mr. Grant is pulling it together! And oh yes, the God of the East Scotty Parker - he may be from Lambeth but we know his heart is in the ol' east end. It's looking up for us, turning it around! Desperately needed for myself, I can't afford for us to not stay up otherwise my guts will be used for garters - dunno what that means but he don't sound all that pleasant!
We knew the ol' Spurs lot would want some trouble so we were proper up for it! Love a good London derby...always a bit of trouble to be had! We all met up down The Bolyn (me, Gaz, Daz, Butters and few other rufty tufty's we know). We pounded a few pints and talked about our chances. We decided Scotty Parker was the best midfielder in the Premier League, we decided Avram Grant was a tatical genius like no other, we decided that Bobby Moore was the most solid defender to ever grace a football pitch and we decided that we were gonna bash some Yids around today!
The game went off without a hitch, we won and we didn't bump into any Spurs fans until a bit later. We had a couple pints at half time, banter was flowing through out the stand, we were seriously enjoying ourselves. At full time we were buzzing off the few pints we'd had as well as the fact we had finally notched up a victory! We headed down The Bolyn to disect the game and discuss how this was the clear changing point in The Hammers season! Stupidly a group of young Spurs lads came barging in! Five lads, all skinheads draped in the White Spurs shirts. They had a three birds dragging behind them, all wearing their Spurs shirts. Gaz threw me a look to suggest "Oi oi we could be on to a Jersey here!" meanwhile Daz threw me a very different look that suggested "Oi oi we could be on to some trouble here!" The Birds were not too bad looking, all proper orange, all bleached blonde hair, two were fairly slim and one was little bit bigger. The bigger one had a right fucking mouth on her "Oi Sean its a fucking Hammers pub!" She belted out in a proper North London accent as she strolled in. This of course brought the attention of everyone else in the pub over to them, the person I can only assume was Sean gave her a look of hatred. Three of the five Spurs lads strutted to the bar desperately trying to look brave but knowing they were in the danger zone, the other two lads (one of which was the Sean fellow) escorted the ladies to a small table very near the door. The two hotter ladies looked very timid, they clearly had no idea what was going on and felt quite uncomfortable surrounded by people talking about football. The bigger, louder girl was giving it all the gob "Why you all being quiet? They know they were lucky today! Their be down soon enough!" Seriously there were guys there who have never hit a women but reconsidoring that policy...there were guys there who often hit women and thought they'd found a prime candidate!
One of the guys at the bar squeezed to the front right up against Daz. Daz loves a good bit of Barney when he can get it so this was the lads first mistake. His second was ordering 8 WKD blue (he was a clear poof). When he ordered this Daz gave us a look we had seen far too many times before, "we are gonna have this prick" he said without words but one quick raise of the eyebrow. Gaz didn't notice this look as he is staring at one of the quiter Spurs birds, who is returning his gaze with a cheeky grin. The Spurs lad then made his third and final mistake, as he turned around with the bottles he knocked Daz' pint out his hand and across the floor. In response to this the whole pub shouts "Waheyyyy"...Daz does not. He stares at the Spurs fan with a look of pure hated and violence. The Spurs fan looks back apologetically as he says "Shit, sorry mate!" Clearly failing to stop his voice go high pitched with fear.
"Don't worry about it mate!" replies Daz as a smile comes across his face and he puts his hand on the Spurs lads shoulder reassuringly.
The Spurs lad grins and tries to hide his sigh of relief. Gaz is no longer staring at the Spurs lad he is now stood next to Daz with a very serious look on his face. Butters and I have started to move around them in a way that would surround these three Spurs lads at the bar.
As the lad that knocked Daz drink starts to walk away Daz' grip on his shoulder tightens, the lad looks round at Daz, who then thrusts his forehead straight into the lads nose, right between the eyes. The lads head swings back and his nose bursts open. The two Spurs mates who have been sat at the table with the girls jump to their feet and come rushing over. The two that were now next to me and Butters just looked shocked, that is until me and Butters grab one of their collars each and shove them up against the bar. Throwing our fists and heads into their faces, breaking open their skins with every swing. Daz then grabs the lad he hit by the head and smacks his forehead into his face again, this time making him lose his balance before Daz starts wailing into him with his fists. The two lads who were sitting don't get too near us before some nearby Hammers that we know grab them and throw them down. Upon hitting the floor they look up to see Gaz and a couple of other lads swinging sparkling white trainers towards their faces. The bouncers and then the bartenders quickly come to the rescue of the Spurs lads. They basically put themselves between us and the Spurs fans. We know them and they know us...we know not to mess with them, they know we won't. They pick the Yids up and with the sentence "Time you better go lads" make it perfectly clear that we ain't gonna be in trouble for this, but they may die if they stay.
As they escort the Spurs fans out one of the bouncers signals to the girls and nods towards the door to tell them they best get out as well. Gaz then shouts "Nah, the ladies can stay mate!" The girl he was exchanging glances gives him a quick grin as we all burst out laughing. Gerry the landlord hands Daz some kitchen roll to wipe his head and knuckles with, which are now covered in some other guys blood.
"I've told ya about making trouble in 'ere ain't I boy?" says Gerry as he takes it back to throw in the bin.
"Oh come on Gerry they had it coming, you know that!" exclaims Daz
"Did they heck boy, get out my pub," gerry says calm as always.
"You joking with me right?" Daz answers back, more annoyed than he ever was with the Spurs fans.
"Am I fuck you mouthy cunt," Gerry blasts back, no longer calm but annoyed with the insolence of Daz.
"Your get the fuck out of here and we won't see you until next Saturday alright boy!"
"Alright, fuck ya then!" says Daz as he struts out. Me, Butters and Gaz down our pints, put the glasses on the bar - each of us giving Gerry an apologetic smile as we do - and then walk out after Daz. Found out this morning that the police came into the pub not long after looking for some troublemakers fitting our descriptions, of course no one saw anyone looking like us all day but still, bloody lucky we weren't about weren't it.
Victory off the Pitch!
Luckily, our fun weren't over! We were all proper buzzin from our fight and not to mention the drinks we had boshed all afternoon. We jumped on the District Line and headed into central, via one change obviously. We hit a few pubs around Soho, avoiding the Gay's as best as possible and before long we were absolutely battered and inside a club called On anons. We got in early to make sure they would let us in wearing our Hammers shirts and trainers. We found a booth and started hammering the drinks. Sambucca, Jaegerbombs and the usual pints were all in order. Arocund 11pm as the place started to get bit busier Gaz handed around a few tabs which we all took with a Jaegerbomb.
It was about 12.30am when we heard a very familiar voice. "Oi, Sean look its those pricks!" We looked around to see the tubby Spurs fan pointing at us with a fierce look on her face. She had clearly been home and got changed, slutted up basically, tits bulging out her top and denim skirt revealing her jiggling thighs. The top also showed that she had a Spurs tatoo on her upper arm which the spurs shirt had hidden before. The lad sean looked straight at us, he was then surrounded by the lads we had beaten shitless earlier and a few more. There faces were all pretty bruised and cut up, where as me, Daz and Butters stood across from them without a scratch on us. This was the first time I noticed Gaz weren't with us no more. I quickly looked around for him as I was certain we would need his help. I then spotted him chatting up the two thinner Spurs girls at the bar - thanks for the warning mate!
The lads all started to walk towards us, pushing the tubby bitch to the back - which she weren't pleased about. I was, I am pretty sure she could do more damage then any of the others. Especially with the size of the rings on her fingers! The lad Sean lead his mates across to us, suddenly confident now he was surrounded by friends and knowing we no longer weren't. Then I heard what I hoped I wouldn't:
"Oh yes fucking come on!" It was the scream of Daz as he dived into this Sean lad and his mates, flailing his arms towards them. The Spurs fans were again taken aback with surprise by Daz' readiness to rumble. Me and Butters again jumped at this opportunity and followed Daz' suit. It weren't long before the Spurs lads were sprawled out on the floor with us, all throwing fists but none of us making much contact. The bouncers were on us in a flash and dragged us apart.
"Who the fuck started this!" Shouted one brick-shit-house of a bouncer.
This was when Gaz finally intervened. "I saw it mate, these guys (pointing at the Spurs lads) just came up and started throwing punches at these boys (pointing at us).
"Right, get the fuck out of here!" Shouted the bouncer as him and his mates ushered the Spurs fans out. The gobby bird tried to argue their case but to no success.
Gaz walked back over to his two ladies and me, Daz and Butters gathered ourselves and hit the bar. The two girls were giggling away with Gaz when their chubby mate came over and said "Right, girls we are off! Seans outside waiting!"
"Fuck Sean he is a prick," answered back one of the girls as she snuggled up to Gaz.
"What so we are staying here with these pricks then are we?" replied the mouthy fat one as she jestured at us.
"Erm yeah!" said the other girl, who joined her friend snuggled up to Gaz. Gaz now had his arms around both girls and big grin on his face.
"Come on love," he said to the chubbier girl, I'll buy you a drink to make it better.
"Vodka orange" the chubby girl said unimpressed with her friends.
Fuck knows what happened to that lad Sean but before long Daz and Gaz had left with two birds Gaz had been working on all night and Butters had been kicked out the club after throwing up on a bouncer. That left me and the chubby bitch stood by the bar downing shots. She could hold her drink I'll give her that.
"So that Sean geeze your fella then," I drunkenly asked her, more accusingly then anything.
"HA! Fuck no," she bellowed over the music! "He just a guy...you know...for fun!" she said with a cheeky glint in her eye. The music switched onto Kanye West Goldigga and she literally screamed "Ah I facking love this song, come on!" She grabbed me by the arms and dragged me onto the dancefloor. She pulled my arms around her waist, but I gotta admit they slipped straight down to her arse. One of my legs was between hers and she grinded up and down my thigh to the rythem, bumper her tits up and down so that they were grining up against my chest. Her tits were now basically completely hanging out her top, only hidden by the push up black bra she had squeezed them into. As we writhed our bodies together her hands moved up and down my back and squeezed my arse. I knew I was in at that moment and drunkenly lent in for the kiss. The bird fucking thrusted her tongue into my mouth and ran it all over. I think she was trying to find out what I had for dinner - luckily for her it was a diet of booze and E.
God knows what time it was when we finally barged are way into her flat. I could hear the noise of Gaz grunting upstairs, sadly I do know his sex noises. "Shells having fun then," said the chubby bird I had now taken home with a wink, this brought to my attention that I had (and still have) no idea of her name. i opted not to bring this up at the time as I thought might ruin the mood somewhat. "I have got some tequila in the kitchen if you want," she said with a seductive smile as she grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the kitchen. Sadly, to get to the kitchen you have to walk through the lounge. It was in the lounge where we would walk in on Daz naked on the sofa being sucked off by the other bird. He looked at me with a huge grin whilst the girl sucking him off screamed at us to "fuck off and get out". I did notice that she did not have a Spurs shirt on so this made me know Daz weren't picking up any Jersey points that night. This also reminded me that this was an opportunity for me to get off the mark.
The loud bitch was pissing herself at the site of seeing her mate gobbling Daz' cock, as she laughed her tits jiggled with flab. Dunno what came over me but I thought fuck it and shoved my head right in the middle of her cleavage and motorboated the shit out of them. She laughed even louder at this and shrieked "easy boy!" I then stepped back but she pushed me back in and grabbed my arse as she shoved her tongue in my mouth again. "Come on, lets go upstairs" she said with no subtlety.
It wasn't until I had her naked that I realised how big her tits really were. I was all over them. Grabbing them, sucking them, shoving my cock between them! She was loving it. She was full on filth as well, fingering my arse as she deep throated my cock and kept telling me to spank her. It was when I had her bent over spanking her wobbling ass that I noticed a white shirt on the floor with Dawson across the back. Her Spurs shirt! I reached down, picked it up and said "Wear this, I want you to fuck me with this on!" She growled at me and grabbed it off me and pulled it over her huge tits.
Her nipples were still hard from me licking them and clearly pointed through the top. I then kissed her and shoved my fingers up her for like the fifth time, she moaned so loud at this and said "fuck me baby" in my ear. I didn't need telling twice and bent her over and fucked her from behind. Her ass rippled everytime I thrust in, I saw still spanking and grabbing it and occasionally reached round to finger her clit. Her moans of pleasure were only muffled by her face buried in the pillow. She definately came at least twice before I finally blew my load into her soaked pussy. For some reason it turned me on soo much more knowing that I had just racked up my first Jersey!
This morning I woke up with a proper hangover, and rolled over to find a girl that can only be descibed as 'bigger than your average bear' laying next to me in her Spurs shirt. This of course didn't stop me having seconds...and thirds haha! She was as filth as I thought as well...the second time as she rode me, her naked body (no Spurs shirt this time) jiggling all over the place she shoved a finger in my ass as I came! The third time was just a blowjob before i left. i'd put my clothes on ready to go and she pulled me in close to her fat naked body and shoved her tongue down me again. The kiss was quite passionate and before long her hand was rubbing my hard cock again. I whispered "suck it" into her ear and she gave me a naughty grin before pulling down my jeans and boxers as she got on hers knees. She took it all in and gave me a quality blowjob (gotta admit, she was actually a fucking good shag)! Just before I came I grabbed my cock and said "Let me blow on your face!" She smiled and threw her head back so she was looking up to my cock. I then rubbed myself till I came with a huge groan, just before I came I noticed her Spurs tattoo on her arm and thought fuck it! So as I blew across her face I directed downwards and spunked all over the Spurs tattoo as a final 'fuck you' to the North London yids!
I took her number and strolled down to the bus stop near by. There I saw Daz and Gaz eating kebabs (a different kind to what they had munched on the night before). Gaz revealed he was still on track and had racked up a Spurs shirt, me and him shared our glory with a high five. Daz said he had completely forgotton about the bet and was proper gutted with the missed opportunity. They both mocked me for shagging the fat one, but I earnt back their respect with the story of cumming on the Spurs tattoo.
