The Daily Hooligan

England vs France - Capello will awake to unfair headlines

2010-11-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

And yet again the fickle England fans jump to accusations of Capello not being up to the job. Twitter has been inundated with the usual remarks all night, so much so that Capello has been trending for a majority of the evening. The newspapers will certainly be taking a similar note. But is it fair?

Sadly I couldn't get tickets for this one so had to watch on ITV like everybody else, and yes it wasn't the prettiest of performances and we did seem outclassed by the only team who flopped harder then us in the World Cup (if you forget Italy's dismal group stages). But I gotta say, did we expect to win? Look at the teams: France have Abidal, Malouda, Benzema and Nasri; we have Walcott, Gerrard, Milner and Carroll. Other then Gerrard we scream unproven - the four I just named from France scream world class. I am not saying we shouldn't expect to beat France, we should - but only if we play a full strength team. Capello wanted to experiment and we all commended him for calling up Henderson, Carroll and Bothroyd - but don't expect them to bring victory on their first appearance. Capello wanted to see what his options were and this helped him have a glimpse at that overview. The score was almost certainly not the most important thing for him today. England fans are too quick to judge these days, I am sure we will now all be asking why Crouch never starts; but do we want him to over Carroll. To me Carroll is an athletic version of Crouch. He has the height, the ability and the skill - tonight was the start of his international career and Capello has said he was impressed. Crouch may have got the goal today. but Capello has never been a fan and tonight he may have found his replacement.

I have no doubt in my mind that Capello will wake up to unfavourable headlines; I also have no doubt they won't bother him in the least. He made his choices for a reason and they were good ones, lets not completely rip him apart just because Benzema decided to actually turn up to this game and we lost to a team who, despite a poor World Cup showing, are always goes to be tough competition.

West Ham vs Blackpool - Score for god's sake!

2010-11-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

Just got in, you have to be mental to think today's game wasn't brilliant! I have had the best night ever to go on top of that! What I love about Blackpool fans is that they love a good party! And a Blackpool bird is a bloody easy bird!

The Game

I just can't believe both teams inability to score! How many chances did both teams have in that game! I stood in the stands actually shocked...shocked! Some of those misses were crazy...from both teams! It should've been 6-6 not 0-0. But I bloody loved watching it! And that's why West Ham can't go down this season - the Premier League will miss us. We have always played great football, even at the hardest of times, and it is the same this season. We are struggling at the bottom of the table and we still turn up and play attacking football. To be fair today did some up every game for us this season, great football - no victory. Still as I keep saying, it's another point and points are good. At least we are plus one on what we were yesterday!

The Night that Followed

As I said, Blackpool girls no how to have fun! London was swarming with 'em tonight.All walking around with their shirts on (always a plus considoring we are trying to point score)! We popped into The Coach and Horses for our first few drinks and there was this table of Blackpool fans, some women some men. We got chatting with them...no bad feelings between any of us. We'd all witnessed a great game and were happy with that. We all agreed that both teams deserved to stay up this season and we enjoyed a bloody good piss up together. The Blackpool lads all looked quite rough - skinheads, tattoos, the works. The birds all looked chavvy and hot - blonde died hair, leggings, tattoos, big tits, the works.

So we are drinking away with them and it turns out that one of the Blackpool birds lives in London (the lads are her family and their birds). I find this out at the bar, Daz, Gaz and Butters are all at the table downing pints - I've got her to myself. So I buy her a tequila slammer and give her some chat. She loves it. Only one single bird of the lot and I've got her here! So we stay in The Coach and Horses until it kicks us out. The travelling Blackpool lot all head to their hotel, but the lads want to keep going. My Blackpool girl (Chloe) pulls me aside and says, "let's just go back to mine...just me and you." The magic words for any guy!

So the guys all headed off and god knows what they have got up to! But me and Chloe headed back to hers. She lives in a small flat with a group of her old uni mates. They were all asleep when we rock in, her tongue down my throat the whole time. I kept grabbing her arse, she had a great arse! She then goes to pull her top off, "no, no...leave it on. You look good in it," I tell her. As I reach up the shirt and pull down her leggings. She has a tiny thong which I pull down and she steps back, completely naked but her Blackpool top. I lift the top over my head and run my tongue across her pussy lips and she stands up - I actually feel her knees tremble. She then unbuttons my top and pulls it off, same with the jeans - taking my boxers with them. This is when I realise...I'm not hard! Why am I not hard!? She is stunning, she is naughty and she is up for it! And yet...I am in no way up for anything. She gives me a slightly bewildered look, she knows she is hot, she knows I should be hard...and yet I am not. She starts kissing my abs and pulling on my floppy cock in an attempt to get a rise out of me - it does not work. She is clearly skilled, she clearly knows what she is doing and yet...nothing! We go to her bedroom where she even tries going down, which to be honest was more off putting then anything - it was just a floppy cock being batted about by a tongue as it kept falling out her mouth. Her bewilderness was becoming restlessness, disappointment and disheartened. I decide to play the "let me" card and push her down and go down on her. She cums pretty hard as I tongue her clit whilst thrusting my fingers in her pussy, making sure I'm stroking her G Spot with my usual 'come hither' move. She was a moaner when she came - probably woke up her flatmates. I would usually love this, and yet still nothing! Sadly, she is the insatiable type and doesn't just want to sleep after cumming, she wants more and she wants my cock. No can do!

I make some rubbish excuse like needing the toilet and head to her toilet. Running across her flat naked - don't think her flatmates saw me. In the toilet I furiously wank, desperate to get a rise out of the little bugger - massive bugger I meant to say. I think about the big arsed Bolton bird I banged a couple weeks back and get it nice and hard. I run back to her room, making sure I enter in a non-chalent manner and she see's how hard I am. Her eyes light up when she sees it and she shoves it into her mouth! My suspiscions were correct - she does know what she is doing! As she sucks me I run my fingers along her very wet pussy, she is completely shaved and I can feel her pussy juice running along her skin. Just before I cum in her mouth she stops, leaving me begging - what a pro! She then pushed me back and climbed on top - Blackpool shirt still on! She slips my hard, pulsating cock into her wet pussy and I feel it dripping down my shaft as she rides me! She is loving it! So am I, it is really good! Which is why I cannot explain what happened next...it fell out. My cock had lost it's hardness and as she got into it riding me furiously it just slipped out. She looked down at it, now completely disheartened...she thought it was her! I suspect it was...but why I can't answer. She tried rubbing it again and I tried thinking of my Bolton bang but that didn't work.

She ended up getting really annoyed and kicked me out before I came. I don't think I can count that as a Jersey can I? Still I pulled a hot bird and drank with some great dudes...I had a good night, just the result could've been better...summed up my day really.

Dundee FC WAGs pose for calendar

2010-11-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

I read on Who Ate All The Pies that the WAGs of Dundee FC have made a promotional calendar (picture below) to raise money to save the struggling club. I have never seen the team play, I have no affiliation to Dundee at all - but it is safe to say that it is now my favourite club. The calendar looks bloody brilliant and I hope it earns them lots and lots of cash - thereby ensuring it becomes an annual thing (because lets face it, no offence girls, but these are footballer's - albeit average ones - so it will probably be a different 12 women next year).

I would definitely bang the the blonde in the middle but on the right - which is your fave?

Photo by Peachfur

Ray Wilkins Sacked!

2010-11-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

Ol' Wiley Wilkins has gone! Ancelotti has got rid of him, about time I say! I reckon that their was a bit of a power struggle. It wouldn't surprise me if Wilkins has been undermining many of the managers that have passed through Stamford Bridge's corridors over the last few years (and there has been many!). Wilkins has always acted asa go-between from the players to the managers, having the trust of key players such as Lampard and Terry. There has always been a fair bit of player power at Chelsea, Terry and Lampard have always been key players for the team and the team has always been built around them. If they have a problem with the manager, then the Chelsea board have a problem with the manager. I think it goes to reason that Wilkins has played a big part in sustaining this structure. Ancelotti is not a manager that would take this and has made the first step towards destroying this player power - sacking Wilkins!

He has however realised the unrest this may cause within the camp and cleverly announced he will be hiring within, despite many great players and colleagues of Ancelottie being linked with the job. A hire from within will keep relations with the players strong, but ensure they know Ancelotti is the man in charge! The man Ancelotti is likely to hire is Michael Emanelo, hired under Avram Grant as a scout and has impressed at the club since. Abramovich is said to be a big fan, showing that promoting Emanelo would be a great step by Ancelotti towards securing his job. As much as I hate Chelsea and hate the fact they are succeeding, I have to admit - Ancelotti is doing a great job and this is just another sign of a man who knows what he is doing!

West Ham vs West Brom - The wins will come

2010-11-11T05:17:00.000-08:00

Having already tasted how wild Brummies can be I was looking forward to playing West Brom. Also, I thought it was a game that we could probably win! I was let down on both fronts. Firstly, it's a mid-week game, it is hard to pull a travelling fan mid-week, they don't often stay over. They usually have to be back at work the next day. If the game is on the weekend then they like to have a weekend in London, this isn't the case midweek. Secondly, for the second game running West Ham failed to hold onto their lead and drew 2-2.

The game wasn't an overall disappointment. Ok so we drew again, but West Brom are a had team to beat. They play very defensive and are hard to break down. Grant's right, we didn't play that bad. It's another point and points are good! We are not too far off pace, just four points off Birmingham and safety. Ok the draw to Birmingham was a team who we are competing with to avoid relegation - we gotta win those games. But West Brom, they're in 11th place right now, ok on the slide, but still currently not in relegation zone. A draw to a team that others may lose to will help us climb. I'm confident - Grant will make good purchases come January and we'll pick up a good few points before. And lets face it, Parker is a hero (as proved by his goal last night)...he won't let us go down!

Birmingham vs West Ham - Robbed by ref, but got a Jersey

2010-11-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I have literally just got in!! I am full on drunk so apologise if my writing is a bit eractic. Anyway, the game was a complete joke!! We were robbed again! The lads went out their and rocked the joint, but the ref conned us out the three points! Still a point ain't a bad thing, and another good performance! If we keep playing well then the victory will come!

After the game it got really messy! Me and Gaz have been texting the two birds from last night throughout the day...they are proper DTF! They have agreed that after the game they will ditch their blokes and come meet us! Full on awesome! We have even convinced them that they gotta keep their footie shirts on cos we love a girl in a footy shirt - how very true!

We end up meeting the birds in this bar in Brum, god knows what it is called. Gaz and I had already snorted far too much in this time and had done some serious jaeger shots in the hotel bar! We of course had different rooms...no swapping of swords thank you! So we meet these birds...who have also been piling the drink in all day and are gone! They are immediatly all over us! We only have a few drinks before we are back at one of their flats! Apparently, Tracy (the slightly bigger one and the one I'm with) lives with her bf but has told him its girls night and she is staying with Tina (also rather large but a little less so, Gaz' bird). This is great for us, except Tina lives in a one bedroom flat! Oh dear, swords may cross! It was not long before clothes were being taken off (obv not footy jerseys) and naughty bits were being fondled! What I do like about big girls...huge tits! I was all over this girls tits...my hands were constantly up that shirt! I had managed to get her to not wear a bra tonight which was a personal triumph. I could tell when she was proper horny because her nipples got hard and were pointing through the shirt!

After a bit, Tina dragged a near naked Gaz into her bedroom. She of course was naked but a shirt; as she walked off I could see her fat ass jiggling below it...didn't help when Gaz spanked it! It was not long before some very interesting noises were coming from that room...from both Tina and Gaz. He had clearly got a Jersey...I needed to secure mine!

I didn't have to work hard, oddly spurred on by the noise of her friend cumming Tracy grabbed my fingers and thrust them into her...she was full on wet so i knew i was in. I lifted her shirt up over her huge tits (making sure she knew i didn't want it completely off) and flicked her hard nipple with my tongue. She then took charge...she pushed me back and bent over...her huge ass sticking in the air.
"Fuck me!" she begged...I could see her pussy dripping and looked at my hand to see her wetness all over my fingers.

I spanked her ass which made it jiggle...I loved this, and grabbed her flabby cheeks hard as I thrusted my cock in. She was so wet it went in easy! I fucked her had and fast and she moaned loudly. She spanked her own ass as she flung her head back and begged for it "harder" and "faster!" I could tell she was a naughty one so I shoved my thumb in her ass and she let out this huge moan...I couldn't tell if it was pleasure or pain but I just kept thrusting in her hard whilst thumbing her ass!! It felt so good, her wet pussy dripping down my cock as I pounded against her cushioned cheeks...it wasn't long before I was close! I had heard Gaz making Tina cum and wanted to make sure he heard Tracy! She kept yelling "nearly there, nearly there!" I needed her to be there now...because I was! I pulled my thumb out her ass and reached round to start rubbing her clit fast! I swear to god I have never had such a reaction! She came so hard and fast with the biggest moan...Gaz definitly heard that! Her pussy lips vibrating as she came was enough to make me blow my load and I shooted cum inside her! She then laid down shaking with pleasure and I sat back, looked down at my cum covered, semi-erect cock and my poo stained thumb. Quality night!!

Weekend Preview - Birmingham vs West Ham

2010-11-06T05:20:00.000-07:00

So last night me and Gaz headed out in Brum and started to put this plan into action! We get into Brum about 7pm last night and check into our hotel, room each, we know what we want and we don't want to watch as the other person gets it. We then put on the ol' gladrags and head out on to Birmingham's infamous Broad Street. No laugh, this was a messy night. Jaegerbombs were floating round like know ones business. So we in this club, Custard Factory, and we drinking some not so cheap drinks. We chatting up some proper raver girls and we get the conversation on to football asap. Easy enough, they ask "why you in Birmingham?" we answer, "To watch the game, are you into football?". We go round a few different groups of girls, buying them drinks giving them chat - don't get me wrong Brum is full of willing girls looking for a fun times, but we wanted specific girls - Birmingham City fans!

So about 1am me and Gaz are talking to these two proper big girls, they're Brum fans! No joke though, I've had some big girls in my time, but these girls - huuuge! Gaz had the slightly smaller one, I had the biggest. She was proper pissed and grinding all up on me. Good thing about big girls...huge breasts! I know this girl is DTF because she is constantly putting her tongue down my throat and rubbing downstairs through my jeans. Problem is, she ain't got her footy shirt on - I need to get her back home so she can put it on whilst we go at it and then I've bagged a Brum jersey.

We leave the club at 2pm, Gaz says to the girls "So you want to carry this night on, any drink at yours?" The girls look at eachother proper shyly though and clearly going to give us the denial so I step in and say "Hey, why don't we carry it on tomorrow night after the game." They just happen to be going with their boyfriends (woooops!), but say they'll ditch them afterwards and find us (get in!). So we take their numbers and off we go!

Woke up this morning feeling very optimistic, I don't know about West Ham but I am definitly going to be scoring today!

Win it for Gold!

2010-11-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am heading up to Brum with Gaz to watch the Birmingham vs West Ham game. Someone who won't be making that trip is the West Ham owner David Gold. Just because the Brummies are upset that he left them to move to a bigger and better club!

We may be without Nolan tomorrow, we may be bottom of the table - but we still play free flowing quality football and man-to-man we can beat Birmingham. I have faith, this weekend is going to crazy! We will win it for Gold!

So Me and Gaz are hitting this weekend with a plan. We want to get some Jerseys this weekend, get back on track with the game! So we are heading out in Brum looking to meet some ladies and our plan is this, we figured the more girls we talk to the quicker we seperate the West Brom, Brum and Wolves fans. Then we would give the Brum fans some chat, if we can get a Jersey on the first night then great, if not we get their numbers keep giving them chat via text and if nothing better comes up after the game we get out the most DTF girl and see what we can get.

West Ham 1 Newcastle 2 - Grant losing fans

2010-10-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

Another bitterly disappointing game! At the start of this season I would've had Newcastle as one of our relegation rivals, whilst we sadly remain bottom of the table Newcastle are riding (vaguely) high at ninth. How has this happened? Oh yeah, they have quality players. I like Piquionne and Obinna (mainly because I have to their our own hope) but they are not Andy Carroll are they! In fact I think Newcastle are probably only jealous of the fact we have Scott Parker rather then mentalist Joey Barton. I did almost get excited when Cole actually decided to turn up to a game this season and gave us the lead, but as always it was short lived as we crumbled when Newcastle dared to score against us. I have to say I was enraged by the way we deflated once they equalised and Newcastle thoroughly deserved the win in the end. I admit to booing as the players and Grant left the pitch. I have had enough, something has to change. I don't if its Grant or not, but something has to! We are bottom, deservedly so and we need to start picking up points against teams like Newcastle at home.

Post-game wasn't much better. Gaz actually started chatting up a Geordie bird at half-time and had won her jersey by the time the game was over. He got talking to her in a queue for chips, she was a brave one that had tickets for the wrong end but still worn her shirt. Then again, she was fit! When you're hot you can get away with anything! She had this long blonde hair (dyed I think), she had quite a thick tan (fake I'm sure, there's no sun in Newcastle) and she was wearing these jeans that showed off her long toned legs and tight ass. Her Newcastle shirt was tightly fitted to show off her perky breasts. Me, Daz and Butters gawped from a distance as Gaz gave her some proper chat. In the second half, Gaz never joined us in the stands (he didn't miss much), at The Boleyn later he informed us that once everyone had rushed back into the stands he and the bird had gone into a toilet and well, he won her jersey. Lucky prick! After the game we all felt quite deflated and Gaz had already got laid and won his jersey - needless to say we downed a couple of pints which failed to cheer us up and we slunk home, the rest of us failing to secure jerseys.

Hitzlsberger out, Hargreaves in, Liverpool survive

2010-10-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

So it looks like the Scousers are going to survive. Damn shame but that's life! On the other hand how about the injustice of Hitzlsberger not being back for action yet. Damn shame The Hammers could use a quality player like him back in action, especially a World Cup winning player. It is always the international friendlies that fuck the clubs up the arse! and lets face it when your down like The Hammers are right now, things always keep going wrong! I am bitter about this one, especially now our relegation battle competitors Liverpool seem to be getting their act together. I know, I know, they ain't going to be down our end of the table for long - but we can only hope and prey can't we!

Also, Hargreaves is back! Proper, bitter sweet about this one! On one hand, how come United get their player back and ours still out...we are the one's that need the lift! On the other hand, last time I saw Hargreaves play he was fucking quality and England could def use that - enough of Barry, bring back the Canadian!

England - Crap

2010-10-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

Just watched the England game on TV (thankfully didn't pay money for that crap) and I am deeply upset. We are the biggest pile of rubbish! Can't beat Montenegro...whats the point of turning up for Euro 2012 because we definitely won't win! Very upset with the game, was planning on getting royally pissed and completely wrecked afterwards but instead will just finish the bottle of Bud next to me and go cry into my pillow.

Only plus side was performances of Adam Johnson and Ashley Young. Should definitely be the wingers from now on. To be fair Montenegro are hard to break down but that's life, you still have to do it. I am not quite as deflated after the World Cup loss to Germany - but not far off.

Rooney was wank again! I thought it was his lack of sex that was the problem, but he just got back off a 'second honeymoon' and he was still awful - perhaps it's his lack of good sex (yes, I am suggesting Coleen is shit in bed and that's why Rooney gets prozzies - surely obvious conclusion?). Oh well, West Ham victory at weekend will cheer me up!

Capello Squad for Montenego - #3 Defenders and Keepers

2010-10-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

As the game kicks off lets look at the defenders and keepers, doubt either will be tested.

Defenders

The Best in the World - Ashley Cole
As much as I hate to admit it Ashley Cole is still the best in the world in his position and he proved that when he was the only England player to bother turning up to the World Cup.

The Barrel Scraper - Phil Jagielka
He has put a couple of decent performances in and people have seemed to of forgotten he is a pure average player. Never going to be World Class, lets hope he never becomes 1st team.

Mr. Inconsistent - Glen Johnson
Fantastic getting up the pitch, vulnerable in his actual position. Why he didn't become a winger I don't know but he is great up the pitch and far too often exposed in defense. Sadly, best we have.

Injured Legend Returns - Rio Ferdinand
Injured far too often but since returning has been strong for United. He is captain again and lets hope he plays to that status. When on form unbeatable, but far too often loses concentration and makes silly mistakes.

The Bench Man - Jolean Lescott
For a long time now Jolean Lescott has been the man on the bench, often in the squad but never in the first team. Will be today, time for him to prove himself.

Injured Legend Stays Injured - John Terry
Has now dropped out the squad due to injury, perhaps for the best considoring since returning for Chelsea they have started conceding

Is he ever going to make it - Stephen Warnock
Never going to see the pitch in this game, is he too young at the moment or is he never going to make it. I can't help but feel he is just making up the numbers.

Goalkeepers

All Promise, No Return - Ben Foster
We all thought he was going to break through and be legendary. Never quite made it into the Man United first team, can't help same will apply to England.

The Scapegoat - Robert Green
Someone who took most of the flack for the disastrous World Cup, mainly because of his disastrous mistake. My biased view suggests he is still a legend though - come on you Hammers!

The New Hero - Joe Hart
We all think he is the best thing since sliced bread, except that one bugger up early on this season. But since breakthrough last season he has been as safe a pair of English hands we have seen since Seaman, lets hope it continues

Capello Squad for Montenegro - #2 The Midfielders

2010-10-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

Number 2 of my series of blogs looking at Capello's squad to play Montenegro will focus upon the midfielders he has chosen. Midfield is the engine room of any good team. It is your first line of defence as well as the creative core of your attack. For me, a balanced midfield is key to success on the international level. When approaching a competition such as Euro 2012 managers must be aware that they will play teams playing various styles. Some teams we sit back and say "come on break us down" where as other teams will go for it and you will have to rely on not being broken down yourself, whilst being able to counter at pace. Therefore when selecting an England squad the manager should pick midfielders that can transform the team from one style to another. The defense are always going to have the job of stopping goals, the attack will always try to score - its the midfield that decided what happens in between!

Capello has picked 9 midfielders. I would suggest that this again indicates his want to play a four man midfield, but has tried to give himself options in case he switches into 5. So lets look at the squad he has picked:

The Rock - Gareth Barry
Gareth Barry oddly became the man we looked to for hope during the World Cup. This was mainly because he was injured and we were shit and we needed some excuse, that excuse was "oh we didn't have Gareth Barry". Sadly he was not the saviour, we needed someone to lift the team - he was not that person. He is never going to be the hero of the team, his role is to enable others to do that. He is the aforementioned first line of defence. He sits back and wins the ball so that the genius' of the team can do their thing. Gareth Barry is solid in this role, he is a strong tackler and a good passer. However, he is a not a great of the game. Roy Keane, Patrick Veira and Claude Makelele are the players that made this role their own in recent Premiership seasons. Gareth Barry follows in their footsteps but has never made their grade. He is good but not World Class. In Euro 2012 he could well be the man who has to stop Iniesta or Germany's Muller - will he be up to the task, for England's sake lets hope so. Barry fits more into the counter attacking style of play, he is the enabler that allows others to ping up the field by sitting back and filling their gap. When trying to break down a team he becomes unneccessary and can/should be replaced by more creative players.

The Last Chancer - Joe Cole
Joe Cole has got yet another call-up. He seems to feature in near all England squads when he is fit, and yet struggles to get into the first 11. His injuries are often to blame for this as he never gets to regularly prove his brilliance. And brilliant he is. He was at his best when at The Hammers (ok I am biast) but lets face it, I ain't lying! At Chelsea he struggled to find himself and become a regular player. Now he is at Liverpool and has had a mixed start. But it is time for him to prove himself. He is one of those few midfielders that can fit into both styles of teams mentioned above. In a team that is struggling to breakdown a 10man defence he can provide that expert pass or that great cross that might just be the breakthrough. In a team that is looking to score on the counter he can provide that flair that leaves cuts through a defense like butter. Euro 2012 is he last chance to show that he is the genius we always thought he would become - he needs a strong, injury-free two years of taking every international opportunity given to him, and he may be a first team choice and then he will be in that position to impress.

The Genius That Never Was - Steven Gerrard
Stevie G as he is affectionatly known by many, has for a long time been known as the genius of the England team. Along with Wayne Rooney all our hopes lied with him performing to his best. He never really has. Many excuses have been made for him - "can't play next to Lampard", "being played out of position" - but he has never been the hero of England the same way he has become the hero of Merseyside. We have seen glimpses of his brilliance throughout his international career, but it would hard to ever put him alongside Kaka as the best in the world. Is it our huge media world that has put him on an unrealistic pedestal, or is he actually a genius that just has never found his form? Well, either way he is the best we've got so lets hope its the second. Gerrard can fit into either format of midfield. He is someone who can help change defence to attack very quickly with long passes or by charging up into the opposing area himself. He is also a player that can hit a ball from range if a defence can't be broken down, or provide that deadly throughball to break them down. He is necessary in England's squad and will always be a first team player, lets just hope he proves to be the World Class player we think he is.

The Solid Youngster - Tom Huddlestone
Tom Huddlestone is the man looking to replace Gareth Barry. He has two years to do this and his run for that position starts here. His club form last season was superb and he played a major part in Spurs making the Champions League. This season he has started 'so-so' but as the season goes on I have no doubt he will become core to their success again. He will play the best in the Champions League, and it is this year where he can prove himself. He has a fantastic pass, and is a strong player who won't shy from a challenge. He also has a terrific engine and will run from box to box all game long. Like Barry he can be a core member of a counter attack strategy, in fact his longball passing ability may make him stronger in this position than Barry. Unlike Barry you could make an argument that Huddlestone could help breakdown a strong defence with his skilled passing and striking ability (his long shot is a good one). Perhaps in two years he will be a core first team player.

The New Hero - Adam Johnson
Adam Johnson grabbed the limelight at the end of last season and has kept it at the start of this. Struggled to break into the first 11 so far for England but is seemingly becoming a regular squad member. Come Euro 2012 I would not be suprised if he has broken into the first 11 and has been built as a hero by the media in a similar way Gerrard and Rooney have been. He is the first of the players mentioned so far that breaks from the 'traditional England midfielder' mould. He is a skillful winger that will run at defence and take players on. He does not rely on expert passing technique, though he isn't bad at that, instead he relies on close control and quick feet. He is very much the kind of player that would fit into a counter-attacking team, he can get up the wing quick and beat players to open up a team at speed. Whether he has the crossing ability and strike from range to help break down a 10 man defence remains to be seen.

Inconsistant Brilliance - Aaron Lennon
Like Johnson, Lennon is a winger trying to break the mould. His main skill lies in his ability to run at defenders and break them down. This makes him fairly useless against a 10 man defence, which I expect Montenegro will be, but his quick pace makes him perfect for a counter attack style. Questions still exist over his consistency, his last ball and his ability in front of goal. He has two years though, in those two years he will either make himself a sure thing for the England squad, or be replaced by someone like Johnson. Lennon is young though and good easily find his feet. I would suggest he may not ever become 'first name on the team sheet', but he may be perfect for a rotational squad needed for a competition like Euro 2012.

The Rising Star - Jack Wilshere
In a similar way to Adam Johnson, Jack Wilshere is quickly becoming the hero of the media. The one thats going to save us from what happened this summer. Whether or not this is the case or not, we shall see over the next two years. The fact is, we are all very excited now and he could be the star of the show for us. He is confident well beyond his years (18), and has ball control and passing ability which can be key to a strong attack. A stint at Bolton taught him to be a bit rufty-tufty as well. He may become the complete midfielder - the kind we hoped Gerrard would be - that fits into both styles of midfield easily.

The Man Who Makes Up The Numbers/The Game Changer - Shaun Wright-Phillips
Shaun Wright-Phillips gets two titles, mainly because he can be either one. There are times when he is superb, he takes on players and scores goal as well as any winger. Then there are times when he just doesn't appear in a game - and it is these times that has stopped him becoming an England great. It is too much of a worry that he may not perform when needed. He has two years to prove his consistency and at the increasingly competitive Man City he has the place to prove it. If he can become an ever present there, then no reason why he won't become first team England player. He primarily fits into a counter attacking style of play, getting the ball and running at a defence, exposing holes. He isn't an amazing crosser and doesn't have a brilliant strike - therefore struggles against teams that sit 10 men behind the ball.

The Suprise Package - Ashley Young
Ashley Young could well be the suprise package of Euro 2012. He has no where near the amount of hype that Wilshere or Johnson have and yet possesses as much of the skill, and has proven it many times. He is perhaps a big fish in a small pond at Villa but two good seasons secure him a place in the England squad and if things go right he could take many teams by surprise with unexpected skill, flair and ability. Unlike the other wingers he can fit into either midfield style. He has a great cross which could unleash Crouch against a solid defensive team, as well as the ability to run at defenders and hit teams at pace. I think he should almost certainly make the Euro 2012 squad, and potential first team player, but he will have to work hard to prove himself to Capello whilst at Aston Villa.

Overview:
So it would seem Capello has balanced the team with experience (Gerrard, Barry and Cole) with the future (Huddlestone, Wilshere and Johnson). Wright-Phillips has the potential to fit either bracket, as he does between genius and anti-climax. These players need to start securing their places for two years time and performances need to be strong from the get go. I think Gerrard and Cole may stand-up over the next two years as key players but never shock us by going beyond what we have seen before - for me Huddlestone, Johnson, Wilshere and Young may become the key players in our Euro 2012 midfield and that will suprise many teams. The unexpected skills of these players could shock and awe many of the best. Capello will need to give up hope on the old class of Gerrard and Cole, which I don't see happening. Capello has always been a fan of Barry - will Barry repay this, who knows.

Capello Squad for Montenegro - #1 The Strikers

2010-10-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

So Capello has named his sqaud for the Euro 2012 Qualifier against Montenegro and I have decided to give my opinions on it over four blogs in the next four days. To start with, The Strikers. These are the people who will be looking to gain all the glory, the person who scores the goals and becomes the hero! Its a competitive position with only Wayne Rooney's place for Euro 2012 secure - and thats if he doesn't carry on his current dismal form. Capello has chosen 4 strikers, suggesting he will be playing 2 up front and leaving 2 for back-up. So here they are, those selected to go for glory:

The Shock Choice - Kevin Davies
Kevin Davies has gained his first ever England call-up...he is 33 years old. This is the shock choice of the selection! Capello has alway said he will select those that are on form at that moment in time, clearly he feels Kevin Davies current form has warrented a call-up. After all, his current form of 2 goals in 8 has helped Bolton reach the dizzy heights of 12th. Here are three gripes you might here about the selection of Kevin Davies:

1) He is 33 years old - in 2 years time when we come to Euro 2012, will he still be playing. Shouldn't we be building a team for that competition as we have a relatively easy group? Shouldn't Andy Carroll be getting the much needed experience now to prepare him to take on the best in the future? This argument isn't mine - its true - but for me not the main point.

2) He has never played against the best - in his 17 year career he has played a total of 14 European games and scored one European goal, and all of that was in the UEFA Cup. He has never played for a team that has made it into the top 4 and competed against the best in Europe, why is he good enough now? Again, this is valid - but not why I don't want him in the squad.

3) He is not good enough - Now this is why I don't want him in the squad. There is a reason he has never been picked for England before, he isn't good enough! He is a thuggish player who since losing his pace has survived by just kicking more talented players around. He is an elbows out kind of forward, you ain't gonna see many stepovers from this lad. The perfect compliment to the skill of Rooney or the antithesis of what Rooney signifies for England? I think I know which one! In his 600 professional games he has scored 120 goals - his star season is 12 goals in one season...really? World Class? I think not!

The one with 1 more chance to impress - Darren Bent
Darren Bent has been so close so many times but never quite broken through into a regular squad member. His form, this season and last, certainly warrants the call-up and if he brings that form into the game and impresses then he may just push himself quite a lot closer to becoming a regular England squad member - good luck to him! He may not be World Class, but he'll do for a back-up!

The one that could become the opportunist - Peter Crouch
Crouch was there, first team player - but for some reason Capello was not a fan. Was it his personal life? Was it the way he seems to force teams to play Route 1 Football? Who knows...what we do know though, he has a fantastic international record - 21 goals in 40 games, not bad at all! If Peter Crouch starts (which surely he will) and then performs there is no reason why he won't secure a place in the England Squad and make a push for that starting 11.

The Superstar - Wayne Rooney
The man on who all our hopes lie, I hate to admit it but we fucking need that scouse fucker. He was dismal in the World Cup and he has been dismal since! We all know why...so lets solve it...lets get the lad some prozzies! Coleen obv ain't giving him what he needs, he had the best season of his life when he had the wife, the kid and the prozzie...then we all find out, the prozzie gets cut off and he turns to shit. Get the lad laid and then we may go all the way! Come on Capello - thats what we call man management!

West Ham draw to Fulham - So close but no cigar in all aspects

2010-10-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

Piquionne we love you!

So I might be asking a little much but I am still rather disappointed by the draw today. Ok so Fulham ain't a bad team, but come on is it so much to ask that we get that bit of luck and pip them 2-1? Robert Green vs Clint Dempsey, it was only ever going to go one way wasn't it. Robert Green must actually have fucking nightmares over Mr. Dempsey. When that goal went in I was actually like, "oh fuck here we go again!", but oh no I forgot we got Piquionne and Obinna who are on a two man mission to keep the Hammers fucking happy this season! We got four points now, we may still be on the bottom but its looking up! I think we can do it! We need to fucking do thats for damn sure! Obinna and Piquionne have started to get a little bit of a partnership going up the front in the last couple of games and that matched with our man Parker keeping everyone in order in the middle may just be enough! Now we just need Robert Green to start playing the way that made him England Number One, rather than the way that took the Number One away from him, and we should be fine this season.

It's going to be a long season boys, but that just may work in our favour! The team is starting to settle under Mr. Grant and who knows it may just all work out for the best just yet. I reckon over the 38 games we will make it up to 38 points and that may just be enough! It will be a toughy but fuck it lets make it happen!

Gaz I fucking hate you!

So after the game we were a mixture of emotions. We hadn't won, but we hadn't lost. We had a couple of bevvies down the The Boleyn and disected the game the same we always do. We may have got a little rowdy and yes we may have got a little bit drunk, but no problems this week. The Fulham lads went back to South West with a few black eyes I am sure, but none delt out by me or my mates.

We are in The Boleyn arguing about whether Upson is good enough for the England team or not (dunno what the arguments were because clearly he is), when Gaz gets a text. It's from one of the ladies that he occasionally frequents. They are having a party tonight and want him to come along. Obviously he does, with the lads following him. We have all decided The Jersey Game is going to be no go tonight - all the Fulham birds have headed back over to their posh homes in West London - we think fuck it, we'll take any bird tonight!

Me, Daz, Butters and Gaz hit this party hard. We all meet up round Daz flat first and snort the only few lines we got - we are all a bit dry on cash this weekend! We then pull out some X Cider's (told ya, strapped for cash) out the fridge and shotgun a couple.

Its about 9 when we hit the party, ok so you may be like "That's a bit early!", but nah not for us. We want some time before the party really kicks off to make our mark on a few of the girls. We don't want to walk into a kicking party and join in, we want to be the ones that arrive and then the party kicks off. Remembered for making that party happen! When we turn up we got a bottle of Jaeger in hand and Gaz introduces us to his girl who then introduces us around. The party does indeed kick off as soon as we flip that Jaeger bottle lid off and start dealing out shots. Jaegerbombs are being done on one side of the room, tequila that the hostess bought flowing the other.

Loadsa people start turning up around 10:30 - 11:00 with the booze they brought, which I help myself to. Getting pretty mashed up...the music buzzin! The girl who Gaz knows - Trisha - is clearly an R'n'B grinder kinda girl! We had the ol' Tinie Tempah booming over the speakers, then we had Rhianna banging out and all the girls knew this was their chance to show off their shagging moves so they hit the floor. I'd had a fair amount of drink by this time so me and Daz hit the dancefloor and start doing our thing with a couple of the ladies! Butters is as usual drinking himself into an early grave and fuck knows where Gaz is!

So I end up getting my grind on with Trisha, the bird whose party it is - the bird that Gaz has been frequenting recently. Oh well, he fucks other people - sure she can too, and why not let that person be me. So we are proper grinding and I gotta hand it to Gaz, this girl is hot. Long blonde hair, nice long legs shown off by a short dress. The boobs ain't huge but fuck it who wants more than a mouthful anyway. She got a nice tight ass as well (I know this because I am having a good grope as we grind).

It's about 1am, and Usher's new choooon is playing over the speakers. A few people are starting to flag though. Butters especially - he is sprawled out over two girls on the sofa. They don't look pleased about this. Trisha clearly see's that her party is coming to an end and takes me by the hand to kickstart our own party in her bedroom. She drags me down the hallway to where her bedroom is. I am thinking that I am def getting laid and that I am def going to horrible things to her tight ass! Then just as she pulls down the handle of her bedroom door I hear a very familiar voice, "Trish!" It's Gaz strolling out of the bathroom. Has he been in there all night? Has he been sick? Fuck knows, but he looks gone and he doesn't even notice I am there. He just walks up, shoves his tongue down Trish and then opens her bedroom door, pulls her in and shuts it in my face. Denied! Gaz just committed a burglary on me!

I end up going home with no pussy that night, just Daz helping me carry Butters. We can't be arsed to take him the whole way so just leave him at the Bobby Moore Statue and me and Daz go back to mine - Daz on the sofa of course, don't worry I don't roll that way!

West Ham beat Spurs - I bag a Jersey

2010-09-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

A Victory on the Pitch

Get in! We beat the Jids! North London reckon they can come East and boss us around? Never gonna happen is it? No way, not only did we play them off the park but we got the win and moved off bottom spot! The resurgence starts here! Obinna and Piquionne are going to take us all the way and avoid the ol' regulation battle! Mr. Grant is pulling it together! And oh yes, the God of the East Scotty Parker - he may be from Lambeth but we know his heart is in the ol' east end. It's looking up for us, turning it around! Desperately needed for myself, I can't afford for us to not stay up otherwise my guts will be used for garters - dunno what that means but he don't sound all that pleasant!

We knew the ol' Spurs lot would want some trouble so we were proper up for it! Love a good London derby...always a bit of trouble to be had! We all met up down The Bolyn (me, Gaz, Daz, Butters and few other rufty tufty's we know). We pounded a few pints and talked about our chances. We decided Scotty Parker was the best midfielder in the Premier League, we decided Avram Grant was a tatical genius like no other, we decided that Bobby Moore was the most solid defender to ever grace a football pitch and we decided that we were gonna bash some Yids around today!

The game went off without a hitch, we won and we didn't bump into any Spurs fans until a bit later. We had a couple pints at half time, banter was flowing through out the stand, we were seriously enjoying ourselves. At full time we were buzzing off the few pints we'd had as well as the fact we had finally notched up a victory! We headed down The Bolyn to disect the game and discuss how this was the clear changing point in The Hammers season! Stupidly a group of young Spurs lads came barging in! Five lads, all skinheads draped in the White Spurs shirts. They had a three birds dragging behind them, all wearing their Spurs shirts. Gaz threw me a look to suggest "Oi oi we could be on to a Jersey here!" meanwhile Daz threw me a very different look that suggested "Oi oi we could be on to some trouble here!" The Birds were not too bad looking, all proper orange, all bleached blonde hair, two were fairly slim and one was little bit bigger. The bigger one had a right fucking mouth on her "Oi Sean its a fucking Hammers pub!" She belted out in a proper North London accent as she strolled in. This of course brought the attention of everyone else in the pub over to them, the person I can only assume was Sean gave her a look of hatred. Three of the five Spurs lads strutted to the bar desperately trying to look brave but knowing they were in the danger zone, the other two lads (one of which was the Sean fellow) escorted the ladies to a small table very near the door. The two hotter ladies looked very timid, they clearly had no idea what was going on and felt quite uncomfortable surrounded by people talking about football. The bigger, louder girl was giving it all the gob "Why you all being quiet? They know they were lucky today! Their be down soon enough!" Seriously there were guys there who have never hit a women but reconsidoring that policy...there were guys there who often hit women and thought they'd found a prime candidate!
One of the guys at the bar squeezed to the front right up against Daz. Daz loves a good bit of Barney when he can get it so this was the lads first mistake. His second was ordering 8 WKD blue (he was a clear poof). When he ordered this Daz gave us a look we had seen far too many times before, "we are gonna have this prick" he said without words but one quick raise of the eyebrow. Gaz didn't notice this look as he is staring at one of the quiter Spurs birds, who is returning his gaze with a cheeky grin. The Spurs lad then made his third and final mistake, as he turned around with the bottles he knocked Daz' pint out his hand and across the floor. In response to this the whole pub shouts "Waheyyyy"...Daz does not. He stares at the Spurs fan with a look of pure hated and violence. The Spurs fan looks back apologetically as he says "Shit, sorry mate!" Clearly failing to stop his voice go high pitched with fear.
"Don't worry about it mate!" replies Daz as a smile comes across his face and he puts his hand on the Spurs lads shoulder reassuringly.
The Spurs lad grins and tries to hide his sigh of relief. Gaz is no longer staring at the Spurs lad he is now stood next to Daz with a very serious look on his face. Butters and I have started to move around them in a way that would surround these three Spurs lads at the bar.
As the lad that knocked Daz drink starts to walk away Daz' grip on his shoulder tightens, the lad looks round at Daz, who then thrusts his forehead straight into the lads nose, right between the eyes. The lads head swings back and his nose bursts open. The two Spurs mates who have been sat at the table with the girls jump to their feet and come rushing over. The two that were now next to me and Butters just looked shocked, that is until me and Butters grab one of their collars each and shove them up against the bar. Throwing our fists and heads into their faces, breaking open their skins with every swing. Daz then grabs the lad he hit by the head and smacks his forehead into his face again, this time making him lose his balance before Daz starts wailing into him with his fists. The two lads who were sitting don't get too near us before some nearby Hammers that we know grab them and throw them down. Upon hitting the floor they look up to see Gaz and a couple of other lads swinging sparkling white trainers towards their faces. The bouncers and then the bartenders quickly come to the rescue of the Spurs lads. They basically put themselves between us and the Spurs fans. We know them and they know us...we know not to mess with them, they know we won't. They pick the Yids up and with the sentence "Time you better go lads" make it perfectly clear that we ain't gonna be in trouble for this, but they may die if they stay.
As they escort the Spurs fans out one of the bouncers signals to the girls and nods towards the door to tell them they best get out as well. Gaz then shouts "Nah, the ladies can stay mate!" The girl he was exchanging glances gives him a quick grin as we all burst out laughing. Gerry the landlord hands Daz some kitchen roll to wipe his head and knuckles with, which are now covered in some other guys blood.
"I've told ya about making trouble in 'ere ain't I boy?" says Gerry as he takes it back to throw in the bin.
"Oh come on Gerry they had it coming, you know that!" exclaims Daz
"Did they heck boy, get out my pub," gerry says calm as always.
"You joking with me right?" Daz answers back, more annoyed than he ever was with the Spurs fans.
"Am I fuck you mouthy cunt," Gerry blasts back, no longer calm but annoyed with the insolence of Daz.
"Your get the fuck out of here and we won't see you until next Saturday alright boy!"
"Alright, fuck ya then!" says Daz as he struts out. Me, Butters and Gaz down our pints, put the glasses on the bar - each of us giving Gerry an apologetic smile as we do - and then walk out after Daz. Found out this morning that the police came into the pub not long after looking for some troublemakers fitting our descriptions, of course no one saw anyone looking like us all day but still, bloody lucky we weren't about weren't it.

Victory off the Pitch!

Luckily, our fun weren't over! We were all proper buzzin from our fight and not to mention the drinks we had boshed all afternoon. We jumped on the District Line and headed into central, via one change obviously. We hit a few pubs around Soho, avoiding the Gay's as best as possible and before long we were absolutely battered and inside a club called On anons. We got in early to make sure they would let us in wearing our Hammers shirts and trainers. We found a booth and started hammering the drinks. Sambucca, Jaegerbombs and the usual pints were all in order. Arocund 11pm as the place started to get bit busier Gaz handed around a few tabs which we all took with a Jaegerbomb.
It was about 12.30am when we heard a very familiar voice. "Oi, Sean look its those pricks!" We looked around to see the tubby Spurs fan pointing at us with a fierce look on her face. She had clearly been home and got changed, slutted up basically, tits bulging out her top and denim skirt revealing her jiggling thighs. The top also showed that she had a Spurs tatoo on her upper arm which the spurs shirt had hidden before. The lad sean looked straight at us, he was then surrounded by the lads we had beaten shitless earlier and a few more. There faces were all pretty bruised and cut up, where as me, Daz and Butters stood across from them without a scratch on us. This was the first time I noticed Gaz weren't with us no more. I quickly looked around for him as I was certain we would need his help. I then spotted him chatting up the two thinner Spurs girls at the bar - thanks for the warning mate!
The lads all started to walk towards us, pushing the tubby bitch to the back - which she weren't pleased about. I was, I am pretty sure she could do more damage then any of the others. Especially with the size of the rings on her fingers! The lad Sean lead his mates across to us, suddenly confident now he was surrounded by friends and knowing we no longer weren't. Then I heard what I hoped I wouldn't:
"Oh yes fucking come on!" It was the scream of Daz as he dived into this Sean lad and his mates, flailing his arms towards them. The Spurs fans were again taken aback with surprise by Daz' readiness to rumble. Me and Butters again jumped at this opportunity and followed Daz' suit. It weren't long before the Spurs lads were sprawled out on the floor with us, all throwing fists but none of us making much contact. The bouncers were on us in a flash and dragged us apart.
"Who the fuck started this!" Shouted one brick-shit-house of a bouncer.
This was when Gaz finally intervened. "I saw it mate, these guys (pointing at the Spurs lads) just came up and started throwing punches at these boys (pointing at us).
"Right, get the fuck out of here!" Shouted the bouncer as him and his mates ushered the Spurs fans out. The gobby bird tried to argue their case but to no success.
Gaz walked back over to his two ladies and me, Daz and Butters gathered ourselves and hit the bar. The two girls were giggling away with Gaz when their chubby mate came over and said "Right, girls we are off! Seans outside waiting!"
"Fuck Sean he is a prick," answered back one of the girls as she snuggled up to Gaz.
"What so we are staying here with these pricks then are we?" replied the mouthy fat one as she jestured at us.
"Erm yeah!" said the other girl, who joined her friend snuggled up to Gaz. Gaz now had his arms around both girls and big grin on his face.
"Come on love," he said to the chubbier girl, I'll buy you a drink to make it better.
"Vodka orange" the chubby girl said unimpressed with her friends.

Fuck knows what happened to that lad Sean but before long Daz and Gaz had left with two birds Gaz had been working on all night and Butters had been kicked out the club after throwing up on a bouncer. That left me and the chubby bitch stood by the bar downing shots. She could hold her drink I'll give her that.
"So that Sean geeze your fella then," I drunkenly asked her, more accusingly then anything.
"HA! Fuck no," she bellowed over the music! "He just a guy...you know...for fun!" she said with a cheeky glint in her eye. The music switched onto Kanye West Goldigga and she literally screamed "Ah I facking love this song, come on!" She grabbed me by the arms and dragged me onto the dancefloor. She pulled my arms around her waist, but I gotta admit they slipped straight down to her arse. One of my legs was between hers and she grinded up and down my thigh to the rythem, bumper her tits up and down so that they were grining up against my chest. Her tits were now basically completely hanging out her top, only hidden by the push up black bra she had squeezed them into. As we writhed our bodies together her hands moved up and down my back and squeezed my arse. I knew I was in at that moment and drunkenly lent in for the kiss. The bird fucking thrusted her tongue into my mouth and ran it all over. I think she was trying to find out what I had for dinner - luckily for her it was a diet of booze and E.

God knows what time it was when we finally barged are way into her flat. I could hear the noise of Gaz grunting upstairs, sadly I do know his sex noises. "Shells having fun then," said the chubby bird I had now taken home with a wink, this brought to my attention that I had (and still have) no idea of her name. i opted not to bring this up at the time as I thought might ruin the mood somewhat. "I have got some tequila in the kitchen if you want," she said with a seductive smile as she grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the kitchen. Sadly, to get to the kitchen you have to walk through the lounge. It was in the lounge where we would walk in on Daz naked on the sofa being sucked off by the other bird. He looked at me with a huge grin whilst the girl sucking him off screamed at us to "fuck off and get out". I did notice that she did not have a Spurs shirt on so this made me know Daz weren't picking up any Jersey points that night. This also reminded me that this was an opportunity for me to get off the mark.
The loud bitch was pissing herself at the site of seeing her mate gobbling Daz' cock, as she laughed her tits jiggled with flab. Dunno what came over me but I thought fuck it and shoved my head right in the middle of her cleavage and motorboated the shit out of them. She laughed even louder at this and shrieked "easy boy!" I then stepped back but she pushed me back in and grabbed my arse as she shoved her tongue in my mouth again. "Come on, lets go upstairs" she said with no subtlety.
It wasn't until I had her naked that I realised how big her tits really were. I was all over them. Grabbing them, sucking them, shoving my cock between them! She was loving it. She was full on filth as well, fingering my arse as she deep throated my cock and kept telling me to spank her. It was when I had her bent over spanking her wobbling ass that I noticed a white shirt on the floor with Dawson across the back. Her Spurs shirt! I reached down, picked it up and said "Wear this, I want you to fuck me with this on!" She growled at me and grabbed it off me and pulled it over her huge tits.
Her nipples were still hard from me licking them and clearly pointed through the top. I then kissed her and shoved my fingers up her for like the fifth time, she moaned so loud at this and said "fuck me baby" in my ear. I didn't need telling twice and bent her over and fucked her from behind. Her ass rippled everytime I thrust in, I saw still spanking and grabbing it and occasionally reached round to finger her clit. Her moans of pleasure were only muffled by her face buried in the pillow. She definately came at least twice before I finally blew my load into her soaked pussy. For some reason it turned me on soo much more knowing that I had just racked up my first Jersey!
This morning I woke up with a proper hangover, and rolled over to find a girl that can only be descibed as 'bigger than your average bear' laying next to me in her Spurs shirt. This of course didn't stop me having seconds...and thirds haha! She was as filth as I thought as well...the second time as she rode me, her naked body (no Spurs shirt this time) jiggling all over the place she shoved a finger in my ass as I came! The third time was just a blowjob before i left. i'd put my clothes on ready to go and she pulled me in close to her fat naked body and shoved her tongue down me again. The kiss was quite passionate and before long her hand was rubbing my hard cock again. I whispered "suck it" into her ear and she gave me a naughty grin before pulling down my jeans and boxers as she got on hers knees. She took it all in and gave me a quality blowjob (gotta admit, she was actually a fucking good shag)! Just before I came I grabbed my cock and said "Let me blow on your face!" She smiled and threw her head back so she was looking up to my cock. I then rubbed myself till I came with a huge groan, just before I came I noticed her Spurs tattoo on her arm and thought fuck it! So as I blew across her face I directed downwards and spunked all over the Spurs tattoo as a final 'fuck you' to the North London yids!

I took her number and strolled down to the bus stop near by. There I saw Daz and Gaz eating kebabs (a different kind to what they had munched on the night before). Gaz revealed he was still on track and had racked up a Spurs shirt, me and him shared our glory with a high five. Daz said he had completely forgotton about the bet and was proper gutted with the missed opportunity. They both mocked me for shagging the fat one, but I earnt back their respect with the story of cumming on the Spurs tattoo.

Manchester United vs West Ham

2010-08-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Loosing on the pitch
We are shit! I cannot believe how poor we are this season! Ok I would always kind of expect to be handed our arses against Man Utd, but to be three games in and not have a point - it is not looking good! And we struggled past Oxford United! We are shit!

Loosing off the pitch

So now both Daz and Gaz have collected the United shirt. I am still on 0 and Gaz is on 2 and Daz on 1. Butters of course is on 0. So we head up to Manchester for the game, didn't bother with the Oxford game, we all have money issues and that game just didn't seem worth the money. Luckily we were right. So we head up to Manchester, we are ok with the result; we got to see a great team play football (Manchester United not West Ham), and have a few pints. We each get a room in a near by Holiday Inn and we head into town. Trying to avoid the flourishing gay district of course! We all took some E, drank some vod-bulls and then headed to Sankeys, this club in Manchester. All fucked off our heads by 11pm. By midnight I was violently being sick. I was well in with this girl as well. We were proper pushed up against eachother type. My hand was running down her back and grabbing her hot, pert arse. She was running her fingertips up my shirt, feeling my abs. Our lips seemed to be in a constant embrace, except when broken by our tongues meeting. A few times she even ran her hand over my jeans to feel how hard she had got me...very!
I was proper loving it! Granted she was wearing a short, white dress with her tits hanging out, not a Manchester United or West Ham United shirt, but she was fit as fuck so fuck it!
Wasn't to be though. Some prick bashed into me and I banged against her elbow, she winded me and as I was already fucked I through up all over her white dress. She was not impressed. I then ran to the toilet and through up more, throwing up the whole time making my way there. It wasn't long before the bouncers came in, grabbed me and threw me out.

What made it worse is what Daz and Gaz were bragging about over our fry-ups the next day. Whilst I was throwing up on gorgeous women and then being unkindly escorted out the club, they were talking to two hot totties in United shirts. They had been at the game earlier apparently. The bastards only went back with them. Apparently fucked them in the same room, dirty Mancs! They were literally 4ft apart. Both claim to have not peaked over so no banter of poor performance as yet...sure all will be revealed in drunken futures though!

Still, gotta start catching up, gotta start fucking

Failing to score on and off the pitch - West Ham vs Bolton Wanderers

2010-08-22T04:01:00.001-07:00

On The Pitch

Why the fuck can't we beat Bolton bloody Wanderers? It's Bolton...come on! 7times in a row we have lost to the team that take boring football to an art form.

To be fair, as Mr Grant keeps claiming, we didn't play badly, especially in the first half - we are just incapable of bloody winning. I love the fact that The Hammers always give it a go and play some football, but sometimes I just wish we would go the Bolton route and just grind the fuck out of a game until we manage that win.

I think I am going to blame that bloody Bolton keeper with the name that is crazy, Jussi will do, saving all our bloody shots. I mean let's face it, Carlton cole's penalty was especially shit. What happened to that man? He was the hero of Upton not long ago, now he is...well, Carlton cole.

Poor Matty Upson though, the man is our rock, and if he is having an off game and scoring an own goal then you know we are fucked! When Chang-chin Lin assisted their goal hope was all but gone. Thank god Noble took the second penalty, step aside Mr Cole, bit of quality from Noble showed us that we could have hope this season.

Still wasn't enough and we are officially 0 for 2, I still have hope - I have to really - but let's ensure Bolton are the only team that remain known as a 'bogey team'

Off The Pitch

The night out that followed yesterday's footballing debacle was no better!

Following the game we wondered down to my flat, I live not far from Upton Park, and we began to drink our sorrows away. Giving our two cents on every fuck up on that pitch. How we could have won, how we will avoid the drop, and most importantly should Grant stay. Vodka Redbulls got passed around quickly and we tried to relieve our sorrows. Me, Gaz, Daz and Butters had gone to the game - all season ticket holders. We know a lot of people who follow West Ham almost as religiously as we do and we were preparing too meet up with them later tonight and have these exact same debates. These were almost like our practice debates.

Over the last week, Daz, Gaz and Butters have all agreed that they too shall take part in The Jersey Game. We are now all 24/7 on the pull. Tonight I am looking to scratch one off the list. I am on the hunt for either a Hammer girl (always dirrty totty) or a Bolton girl (hopefully more interesting than the team they support). We headed down Green Street to The Queens where we met the rest of the lads. Everyone was in there already, well on their way. I got in the first round and straight away ran my eyes around the bar. No one really took my fancy I must say. Just loadsa butch, pissed off Hammers fans with more tattoos then me. No one that could in anyway cheer me up! So after a few drinks, couple of rounds of 21, we headed into central. We went into Onanon's, where the cheap pussy goes. This proper dirrty looking barmaid comes up to us dressed in camoflage, she has two tequila bottles with her. We all do shots. Her tits are bursting out her top. We all do more shots. We then neck a beer, play a round of Yee-Haa! and by the end I am completely fucked.

It is about 1:30am when I spot her. Not long until closing time and I am so hammered I have no idea how I am even standing. I am pretty sure the phrase 'to be hammered' must come from nights out with the West Ham lads, we fucking go for it. I see her dancing away with her mates. A group of girls all in Bolton Wanderers shirts, all looking proper grim; except one. She is stunning. Long blonde hair, tight ass. Clearly no bra on under the top, it is white and her nipples are bursting out of it. Dirrty totty! I head straight over there, eyes fixed on the hot blonde. I burst through the rotters that she calls friends, I have no time for niceties with them. I grab this Trotter by the hips and push her towards me. My leg goes between hers and she is basically sitting on my thigh. I start grinding with her, staring into her eyes. She looks back at mine. This is it! I am well in here!

I wasn't...she then headbutted me. It knocked me back, I was fucking shocked. I then turned around to see my mates pissing themselves and then fists from big butch rotters wearing Bolton 'fucking' Wanderers shirts started pounding into me. Luckily the bouncers came quickly to my rescue, especially lucky as my friends were too busy rolling on the ground with laughter to help. I was then escorted off the premises, I say escorted - I mean thrown into an alley, with force. I then called a taxi and awoke this morning an unhappy man.

I got a phone call later that day. It was Gaz.
"Alright mate, just wanted to see how you doing after your action last night."
"Fuck off!"
"Also wanted to let you know I got some action of my own."
"Fuck off, with who?"
"That blonde tottie that hit you round the head"
"Bollox!"
"No mate, fact, she was quite nice after I went up and apologised on your behalf. Cheers for that opening mate, got me first shirt there!"
"Oh fuuuuck off!"
Gaz now pissing himself ended with, "Don't worry mate, we play them again this season - you still have a chance!"
What a Prick!

Dismal Kick Off Premier League Season, Shit Night Out - The Birth of The Jersey Game

2010-08-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

So the English Premier League has kicked off once again, season 2010-2011 is officially under way, another chapter of my life begins (yes my life is catergorised by Premier Leauge season, as every mans life should be), but sadly another chapter starts in misery. Not only was the World Cup in South Africa possibly the most disappointing display an England team has ever put on in my life time, but my beloved West Ham United have only gone and fucking followed suit. What a joke! I been bloody looking forward to this season for ages, hoping that it might provide the ray of sunshine to drag me out of the duldrum that was the World Cup. And when Martin O'Neill (ex Aston Villa Manager) packed his bags and left I really thought we could get off to a good start this year. Aston Villa on the first day, a club in turmoil, surely West Ham could knick a victory. But no! Of course not, three bloody nil! This season best not carry on like this otherwise you won't half get some angry rants from me! Not to mention my bloody life or death bet! What a joke! I am now seriously worried for my health...another chapter of my life, another miserable season!

After the game I could not feel any more annoyed, but I had one plus side going through my mind - a night out on Broad Street in Brum. I had travelled up to watch the game with my mate Gaz, the other lads couldn't get tickets, and I was certain we were going to drown our sorrows. I said to Gaz as we left the club, "I am going to get these Villains back - I am going to find a nice piece of Brum totty, preferably a Villa fan and then ram my cock right up her whilst she wears her Villa shirt".
Gaz fucking wet himself, "yeah bet you will mate" he fucking cackled his head off when he said that.
"Nah I fucking will mate, I am going to roger some Villa fan so hard she ain't walking straight tomorrow!" I said to him with anger and determination pouring out of my voice.
"Bollox!" Simple reply from what is frankly a simple man
"Telling ya mate, will be easy, there all be on the town on the proper piss tonight - match day is a garentee pussy day trust me, especially as the fuckers won!" Nearly even convinced myself then
"Alright!" Gaz started, "If you're so certain it is so easy to get laid after a match day, why don't you fucking prove it?" He had the smuggest fucking grin on his face so I knew he was getting to a point.
"I will fucking prove it," I was pretty much barking this at him, "I will fucking prove it tonight, I'll fucking a Villa fan - not only will I fuck her but I'll get right up her rotten as well!"
Gaz nearly rolled on the ground laughing now, "Bollox! And fuck that, not just tonight mate. If it was just tonight that might just be down to slutty Brummies - no no no, you my friend will have to prove it all season long."
"Well how the fuck am I meant to do that"
"The Jersey Game!"
"And what the fuck is The Jersey Game," I answered having a small idea considering the nature of the conversation I was in.
"Ah, The Jersey Game my friend is where you have one season to complete the challenge, of fucking a girl in every football strip. Everytime you fuck a girl whilst she wears a football shirt you win that shirt (not literally that would be theft), by the end of the season you should've won 20 shirts. The Jersey Game!"
I was feeling proper macho right now though, I was angry after the football, high on testosterone and desperate to prove Gaz was a thick twat that was wrong! "Fuck it! I'll do it"

So that night I hit the town, I had a new mission! I was going to fuck a bird whilst she wore a Villa shirt. We hit a club called the Custard Factory (which I was a little fucked off to find out had fuck all to do with custard), not quite on Broad Street but Gaz had heard it was a 'pilltastic' time. With this in mind, we swallowed some big fat munting E's before we went in and then hit the bar for some vod-bulls which were on offer. Before long we were both fucking munted and dancing like loons on the dancefloor! Then I spotted her, a prime piece of totty wearing a tight, Villa shirt which she had tied in a knot at the bottom so that her toned midriff was showing. She also had this short little denim skirt on. Target Spotted! I think I literally ran over to her with excitement, probably not the best entrance as I barged through the group of guys that surrounded her - any of them could have been her boyfriend, one of them was. I grabbed her by the arms and screamed "Dance with me!" and pulled her close to me! Clearly I was not at my smoothest! Then some big fucking guy grabs me and rips me off her and pulls me behind him, he was now between me and her. I looked at him in his big huge Villa shirt...it also showed his midriff but not quite as pleasant a site...this was a big beer bellied, tattooed Villa fan that had been downing some serious pintage all day. He looked at me and simply said "That's my bird mate." He said it in this fucking annoying Brummy accent and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sorry mate, just wanted to fuck her ya know." I cackled.
"You what?" Getting even more high pitched in that annoying Brummy tone
"How did a lump like you get a piece of totty like that?" This was a mistake.
I now only remember seeing his very angry face, 4 chins wobbling with anger, and his big chubby fist swinging towards me. Then I remember bouncers literally throwing me out of the club and Gaz behind me.

Woke up this morning with a huge black eye to show for my troubles. Gaz also has some nice bruisers having apparently come to my aide! As we woke up in our tiny little travelodge room (more depressing then our night out) I turned to Gaz and said, "So that bet we made yesterday...The Jersey Game..."
"Still on mate"
"Bollox"

A New Bet...David Beckham: Could Goldenballs arrive? Could Plucky Parker leave?

2010-08-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

A New Bet

I returned from South Africa a very scared man. I had made a stupid bet, I owed a lot of money, and now I would have to face the music. I got off the plane, with my equally hungover friends, and we shared a cab back into the East End. I returned home and crashed out on my sofa. I fell asleep instantly, but was woken within the hour. My door was bashed down and three huge men came running into my room, beat me to unconsciousness and then dragged me out of the flat. When I woke I was sitting tied to a chair; sitting across a nice wooden desk from the man I had sat across from not too many weeks before. It was him I had made the bet with, it was him I owed the money too. He asked me for it. I did not have it, I don't know why I ever expected to have it. He was not happy when I told him I had no money, but he was in know way suprised. He also, never expected me to have it. He was now going to do some very bad things to me. I had one out here, and I used it. I have now made a new bet. It is a double or nothing bet. If I lose I owe twice as much. If I win, I keep my life. I have now bet that West Ham United will not get relegated this season. The odds they will get relegated are around 3:1 by most bookies. Come on Hammers!! Do me this favour! If there is one thing in this world I have faith in, it's that the Hammers will always come through for me!

David Beckham: Could he arrive?

What a great coup that would be for the Hammers! David fucking Beckham playing in claret. He has denied the rumours but we can remain hopeful surely. If he wants to stay in the England squad, as he says he does, he really should move back to the Premier League and he could really shine at Upton Park. Beckham has leadership potential which could lift the entire team whilst at the same time has the skill to deliver results. Beckham is a great of British football and a Londoner at heart, I would happily watch him play for West Ham United.

Scott Parker: Please don't leave!

If I am going to win this bet, and West Ham United are going to stay up then they need to keep their best players. Scott Parker is certainly that. How he didn't get into the World Cup 2010 England Squad I do not know, but he bloody should have! He has been an unsung hero of all midfields he has been in and he has a leadership ability to match Beckhams. West Ham rejected Spurs' bid and I am grateful for it, Scott Parker can lead the team to good times this year and I will enjoy the ride!

Holland, Spain, Football, Psychic Octopus - Beautiful Day, Beautiful Game

2010-07-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

I say beautiful day, I don't neccessarily mean weather wise but I definitely think it will live on as a beautiful day in the memory. Waking up with the memory of a room full of crazy dutch people mid-orgy was very good start! The Holland versus Uruguay game might have been dull, but the after party was not! Hup Holland Hup! was the cry...and I tell you what having a girl scream that as she rides you is fanFUCKINGtastic! Basically Gaz dragged us out with the Dutch bird he has been shagging...again apparently enjoys his pubeless cock! So we went along with her to this bar which was full of the Dutch, already partying as if they had won. Which of course they then did, thanks to a Mr. Robbe and a Mr. Sneijder! So the party then kicked off even more, any niggling worries that they wouldn't win were gone! The dutch bird Gaz was with (fuck knows her name, doubt he even knows) got absolutely wrecked and passed out in the pub...not before sucking off Gaz in the bog!

I ended up palling up with this bird Enid...proper Dutch name, love it!...me and her snuck off and went back to the hotel..took some serious coke that we bought off our favourite Affie helper in the hotel! Turns out that she gets uber horny when high, she basically ripped my clothes off and hopped on me...then she pretty much ripped off my cock as she shouted "Hup Holland Hup" whilst riding me! Was actually a quality fuck though...I let out the biggest grunt as I blew my load up her! Shit didn't use anything...hope I don't get what will now been known as the Gaz-rash.

Whilst I was laying on my bed gasping to get my breath back after having been vigorous fucked by a Dutch women with a penchant for nipple pinching, she got a text. She turned around to me with a big smile and said "Fancy coming for party!" Now I too thought that she just had bad English and was inviting me to a party, sadly she actually wanted me to 'cum for a party'...as in cum in front of a party of people! I followed her, completely blindly i swear, into a party at another hotel...this was a fetish party! Mental! Everyone was Dutch...except Butters! He was tied up butt naked on a bed in the middle of a room whilst loadsa leather-clad Dutch people were either passed out from drugs or mid-orgy around him!
"What the fuck Butters! What the fuck are you doing?" I said over the din (yes I said the word din...I am now middle aged!)
"Oh shit thank God your here!...Get me out of here!"
"Where are the others?"
"Copped off with women..mine bought me here...why are you here?"
"Yeah your judging me...nice!"
I started attempting to untie him when suddenly surrounded by three Dutch women, 1 of which was Erin, they all looked very angry. Two huge Dutch men then came up behind me, this might end badly...they had whips in their hands!
"Why do they have whips!" asked Butters desperately, "Get me out of here now!"
And that is what I did...I launched my head into one of the guys chests (mainly because I couldn't reach his head) and sent him back against a wall. I then launched my right fist and then my left into his mates face, knocking him down. Everyone looked at me shocked as I desperately untied Butters...loads of naked men pulled out their women and came as us with angry faces across their heads...and condoms hanging off their other heads! We both squirmed out the room, recieving a fair few inadvertant cock slaps on our way out!

So that was an interesting end to that night. Turns our Gaz and Daz ended up having the same woman not two different...apparently they tried hard not to cross swords so fair play...Dutch are fucking weird!!

It is for that reason I now want the Spanish to win! And I don't give a shit what Paul the Psychic octopus fucking says before the next game! Wish he was there when I was making my ridiculous bet! Oracle my arse! Still glad the Spanish beat the fucking Krauts...just to shut people up! "Ohhh they are playing too pretty football" - how on earth can you play too pretty football...how can you be too good at the game to score, fuck off if only England could string half as many passes together!

World Cup 2010: The Netherlands Football Party has already started

2010-07-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

The party here has already started, the warm up to the big game! And I ain't talking about these semi-finals...the Netherlands ain't worried about them - they are already partying for being in the World Cup Final. They are taking it bloody easy, no Suarez, why not assume they will win. I am sure Mr. Forlan will be a thorn in their side, but I am also sure they are going to breeze by. As are they seemingly. The party last night was wild and I only just got in for another one. There aren't many of us Brits left I must admit, and there ain't too many over nations around. The Germans still here of course, the Uruguayan's (if that's what they are called) are loving it, and the Spanish - well who doesn't love a senorita. But it is the dutch who are proper partying. I think they have that feeling, maybe this is their year! As a Brit, I know 'that feeling' is usually a lie - I don't see why the British ever get that feeling!

They have been going crazy!! Gaz is currently in one Dutch birds room right now! She was crazy though, proper tart - orange clothes, orange skin! She kept flashing us her orange thong, it says a lot about us that this actually impressed us! But Gaz was the one that got her suitably coked up in order to get back to hers. I hope for his sake she is as dirty as she seems.

Larissa Riquelme my new favourite star of World Cup 2010

2010-07-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning, the first time in a long time with a clear head. The hangover had gone and the shits have stopped. I am now able to function again! Still no sign of the other lads though! I finally leave my disgusting, smelly bedroom and wander down to the pool. Still no sign of them! I walk into the lobby to see Butters sitting there with just a sock on his cock for clothing, black marker writing all over him, and dribble pouring from his mouth. He was gone, the boy was asleep and completely out of it. I looked over the receptionist, gorgeous little Affie bird! She just gave me a knowing smile and turned away. I then slapped Butters around the face, fucking hard I must say - the Affie receptionist jumped and yelped, the slap was that loud. Butters fucking jumped out his chair ready to throw some punches - being finally of clear mind, and Butters being completely fucked still - I was able to simply move out the way of his fist and push him back on the chair.
"Butters you wanker! It's me!"
"Oh, alright mate?"
"Where the fuck have you been?"
"I have been at some mental Uruguay party...fucking crazy...they made huge hands and were trying to drink using huge hands...the Valdez drinking game - if you dropped any you were out and had to down a dirty pint...they are mental mate!"

Butters went on to explain to me what had been happening over the last few days, where they had all been and what I had got up to! It would seem that all our worries about Butters going over board were misdirected, it was me that had gone crazy. The night of the England vs Germany game, and the subsequent demolishing of my World Cup hopes I had gone mental! I had got into a complete drunken and drug fueled craze that night, so much so that I really started to piss them all off when I was demanding to go find hookers (Gaz is not so up for this activity any more). Apparently I was certain it was the pick me up that we all needed! In the end they told me to go off and do it my fucking self, which I assume I did given the state of my yesterday. I will add, today I have proactively been to the toilet and wait the results tomorrow - I am sure I will be fine! I hope!

"Look at the fucking jugs on this one!" shouted Gaz as he strolled in, interupting Butters telling me how they had seen me around the hotel the last few days but I was on such a mind-warp I barely acknowledged them as I downed another pint or snoted another line, or welcomed another hooker - apparently there was 3!
"She is fucking beautiful!" Daz added intellectually.
The both had newspapers held open in front of them as they walked in.
"Apparently she was going to strip if Paraguay won the tournament! Well now I really hate those fucking Spics!" Gaz said in a childish manner of disbelief.
"Whose that then?" Butters asked as he climed out the sofa, seemingly unashamed that all he had on was a sock over his cock and he was covered in writing.
"Woahhh what the fuck!" Gaz jumped back surprised to see Butters in such a state (apparently they went to seperate parties last night). On the plus side Gaz dropped his paper as he jumped back and it landed open on my feet and with that I saw the lady of my dreams.

Larissa Riquelme - Not only a stunning lingerie model, but a football fan as well! She had promised to streak around a football pitch if Paraguay lifted the cup, she has been spotted celebrating with the crowds in Paraguay throughout - she also has amazing jubblies! I now love this women and must one day meet her! It was over our mutual love for Larissa Riquelme (I like to say the whole name) that I re-bonded with my mates, and assured them I was now over England's loss. I also told them about the bet, how much money I owed, and the threatening texts I has recieved. This made the lads understand my drunken downfall a lot more. They agree though...I am really fucked!

World Cup 2010: The Backlash of England's defeat, the Joy of the Germans

2010-07-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

So I am sorry it has been a while since my last message...I must say I have not reacted well to England's defeat. Well to be fair, would you have if you had all I had riding on this. I have essentially fallen into an uncontrollable drunken and drugged up mess...living it up in S.Africa as if it is my last days, which essentially it is. The only thing that has broken up my drink and drug binge is fucking and football...the two most important f's!! and to be fair, the binge has often carried on through them! Orgasms on E...my new favourite thing!

Well at least we now all know why England were soo shit...and they did take shit too a whole new level! Though good to see Argentina get completely wanked over as well! We aren't the only team the Germans have thrashed, though it does now mean the two teams I backed for winning the bloody thing have bombed out! Don't ever listen to me! So yeah the rumours have been flying around recently about the sack of spuds that we call our national football team. Word is (and I feel I should re-iterate that these are pure rumours gathered in pubs full of drunken and annoyed England fans), Wayne Rooney was in Rio Ferdinand's restaurant the day before the game and well the News of The World got photos of him 'doing' things that he should not have! Things he has been caught doing before! There are also rumours surrounding the captain, mr 'stevie g' - dickhead that he is - being the third choice for captain doesn't leave him in good stead but when rumours arise of him 'doing' things that he should not be, this can only bring down his authority more. Which supposedly it did with first class prick John Terry deciding that if he had his captaincy taken away so should Gerrard - think about it Terry, it weren't a fucking team mates bird (just a relatives apparently)! I say again these are vicious rumours...but christ they didn't half play like something was on their minds!

All the time they are having the time of their fucking lives, well done for leaving the WAGs at home Capello that worked loads didn't it, I have had about 50 texts from Big John back in London - he wants his money the day of my return! I have no money! I have a plane ticket back home and a shit load of coke! I plan to snort every last bit of the coke through my rolled up ticket!

So as I mentioned I woke up today and noticed the room is a fucking shambles, I am a little worried about what has happened to Daz, Gaz and Butters - no sign at all. All that is in the room is a shit load of used condoms...a message written in lipstick on the mirror saying "Great fuck! Thanks x x " - this makes me grin like a chimp! There are half done lines of coke on every fucking surface...shambles of money strewn across the room (I really hope I didn't fuck an Aid's hooker!)...and no sign of anyone else. And I can barely remember anything after the E I dropped after the Germany game. I remember fucking this black beauty at one point!! Pointy tiny nipples is the memory that most stands out! We were on E so assume that was the first night, and assume that was her lipstick! You might say I am a little calm, to be fair - those three are probably out pissed now. I have stayed in on a recovery day today, watched the football and exploded into the toilet all day! I need a plan of how to find those guys and then what to do about Big John!

Follow my drunken twitter updates...

The Group Stage Hangover: A.K.A Dildos, Coke and World Cup Magic

2010-06-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

Oh my days the sun in S.Africa is destroying my eyes! It is burning my soul and reminding me of the ways I have degraded myself over the last couple of days! Sorry I have not posted in a couple of days, but frankly I have been going rather crazy! England are through and we had to celebrate! And we fucking well did!!

So I went and found my bird! I pulled this New Zealand chick, if I had of known they were so fucking mental maybe I wouldn't have! Me, Butters, Daz and Gaz hit the town. Daz eye was not so swollen any more, my bruising had pretty much gone, Gaz's STD had been taken care of(and he had decided no pubes made him look bigger) and Butter was still red as a fucking beetroot but determined to drink away the pain. He hit it harder than any of us that night. When Butters hits it, it is harder than anyone else I know. After the Krauts went through Gaz walked in the room and shouted "The Krauts are through! Lets go have a fucking barney!" So we each snorted a line of the good stuff and then walked out into the town to what was becoming our local bar. We had been in there drinking all day and when we walked back in, already rowdy as the coke made our brains zing, the barmaid smiled and pulled four pints - didn't even have to ask! Butter's turned round and said, "oi love, get us four jaeger and buzzers will ya" - we then did four jaegerbombs and chased it with our Larger. We stayed in there and drank for about an hour, by time we left I was already feeling it. I was struggling not to fall over and my words were slurring. We then walked into the main street and jumped into this packed bar. It was full of drunken Krauts and raudy Brits. The Krauts on one side singing their shoddy national anthem, and the Brits on the other banging out the English national anthem. I looked at Gaz, he looked back at me - we knew this night was going to be massive. I strolled right up to the bar and said "four sambucca's and four snakebite please love" - the foolish barmaid had no idea what I was on about! I had to explain to her what a snakebite was but still she made a fucking good one and she had lovely tits so I weren't too bothered. Sitting next to me was this right hot lass, she had legs that ran all the way up! Her dress was just short enough to make you think you might get a glimpse of ass if she bent over wrong way. Her tits were bulging out of it an all! Just looking at her my cock was straining against my boxers, I could feel my cum bubbling desperate to squirt on her tits! She was laughing at me struggling to explain what a snakebite is. "Are you laughing at me?" I said, perhaps in a tone a bit more brash than charming.
"Who do you think I am laughing at you fucking pom," she laughed as she revealed her New Zealand accent and got up out her seat and went and sat at a table surrounded by other lads. The table was right in the middle of the bar, the barrier between the English and the Germans. That was a brave fucking place to sit. As she walked off I stared at her ass shake and my balls ached with excitement. Fuck it I was gonna have her that night. I did my shot of sambucca, downed half 1 of the pints then picked up the tray of drinks and slammed it down on the New Zealand table. My friends didn't even notice I had gone, they were already helping themselves to a pitcher the British lads had shared with them and were currently screaming something about "VINDALOO!"
"Help yourselves boys" I arrogantly said as I put the drinks down.
"Oi pom, don't think you're gonna have 'er mate, she is one of us!" said this hench new zealand lad. I could tell they were from New Zealand because they all had fucking rugby shirts on, All Black shirts.
"Don't worry mate, just want to have a good night." I replied and I pulled some Es I'd bought of our favourite hotel Affie out my pocket.

That is the last of the covnersation that I remember. The next thing I remember is a fuzzy image of dancing with the blonde, her fit ass grinding my body, my rock hard cock desperate to bulge out my jeans and she rubbed against it!

Then I remember her shoving her tongue down my throat as we staggered out the club! I remember we stumbled back to mine, pulling the whole way back, I kept grabbing her tits and pulling them out her dress down the street. By the time we were back at the hotel she had one tit hanging out, and her skirt was ridden up so everyone could she her thong. I remember trying to get into my room but I could hear Gaz going at it with some bird inside...the girl seemed to be shouting something in German!

That is all I remember of the night. The next morning I woke up in a hotel room which I can only assume was hers. The sheets were strewn across the room, she was laying on the balcony naked with a fag in her mouth, had she even been to sleep? There was a dildo laying on the pillow next to me, it smelt (not of cum but of shit). there were johnnies everywhere but my cock also was moist and reaked of pussy - I had definitely gone bareback on her at somepoint! My back was sore, she had scratched my back and slapped my ass red. She noticed I was awake and strolled in, she was limping slightly, we must have done some mental shit last night. "You best go mate, my mates got in trouble last night I gotta go help them out"
"Right...ok, what happened with us last night?" I said looking around the torn up, cum splattered room.
"Lets just say you learnt a few new things." She said with a right cheeky little grin.
"Yeah well cheers love I said," and I got up to leave not really sure who had used who, had we just had a mutual fuck - Not sure that exists, not in Britain anyway.
"Oi, you going to leave your new friend here?" She asked whilst waving the shit streaked rampant rabbit at me as I bent over to pick up my shoes. As I bent over I had a sudden realisation, my ass abosultely cained! I now know what happened with that dildo. I looked at her with a grin, what a fucking awesome night!

Next day I rocked back up at the hotel. The lads and some German bird were sitting round a table by the pool drinking cocktails and having a right greesy fry up. "Whose the chick?" I asked, to hungover to care how rude I was being.
"My new German buddy," replied Gaz.
"She's the fucking enemy mate, on Sunday it's us versus them remember!" I responsed in an appalled voice.
"Oh yeah...see ya love" and with that gaz just picked up his fry-up and cocktail and walked round the pool into the hotel. Daz, me and Butters looked at eachother, shrugged and got up as well. We went down our 'local'; they pulled us our usual four largers and we settled in to tell eachother of the night before and watch Brazil versus Portugal. Turns out Butters and Daz had met up with my Bird's New Zealand mates and had a bit of a barney. They were shouting at them asking where me and her were. They just said fuck off and through a glass at them. Big fight broke out, police intervened. Daz and Butters sneak off round the back and the New Zealand lot go proper at it with the coppers.

We could not be more let down by the Brazil game. Glimpses of magic but not what we hoped. We then watched Spain fail to live up to their hype. Same glimpses but know sustained magic. And with that the Group stages were done. I have still got the Argies down as winning the whole thing, although I hope it is us. That bet still looms in the back of my mind. The trouble I will be in if we lose, the glory I will be in if we win. I have to go proper at it for the rest of the tournament, living large everynight, cos fuck it - if we don't win this fucking tournament I might be a fucking dead man.

Predictions for the second round - if your a betting man, which I would encourage, I would go for these. Uruguay 2 South Korea 1, U.S.A 2 Ghana 1, Germany 1 England 1 (we win on fucking penalties!), Argentina 1 Mexico 1, Netherlands 2 Slovakia 0, Brazil 3 Chile 0, Paraguay 2 Japan 1, Spain 2 Portugal 1.

It is going to be fucking awesome!

Follow my drunken updates on Twitter here.

England Are Bloody Through in World Cup 2010!

2010-06-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

Yes we are bloody through! We always do it the hard way but we get there in the end! Now bring on the Krauts! it has been absolutely mental since that first goal! Sitting there all tense we were, scared off our bollox! I had my bet in the back of my head the whole time! Still can't believe I made it! But as soon as that goal went in we went absolutely ape shit! Fucking Jermaine Defoe! I been saying whole time that he should be in the bloody team! As soon as that goal went in the pints got downed, the shots got bought and the coke got snorted! We knew we were going through and we fucking went for it! Mind you that only lasted until the 70th minute, then the nerves hit in and the coke only made it worse. I was frantic, running around asking people what they thought the score would be...would we go through?...What was the USA score? When the final whistle went I was stuck on the toilet 'relieving my nerves'...didn't stop Gaz coming screaming in, banging through the door and jumping on me in merriment!! He was less impressed when he realised I was still shitting as he was pretending to hump me! But then he just ran back into the bar with the screaming fans! I could hear Butters and Daz screaming "Vindalooo Vindalooo!" as the door swang open and shut! We then downed another couple of pints and have now sprinted back to our hotel for a quick change, watch the Krauts go out as we do, and then back out to celebrate and find me some ladies!

Awesome Argies!

2010-06-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

Argentina actually rock my fuckin socks! Somehow they managed to take part in a bloody boring game and yet still manage to be absolutely fanBLOODYtastic! I must say that my bet that they will win it is looking better and better! Messi yet to score, but it will happen - best player in the world!

Tell ya what though, was sitting in the bar watching all these games today (three - bloody brilliant) and all we could talk about was the game tomorrow. Nerves are high here, imagine what there like in the team. Gerrard finally decided to talk up, time for him to show he can lead tomorrow. Time for Rooney to show he is best in the world. Time for England to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and play the way we know they can. Bout time we saw Joe Cole out there ain't it, get a bit of flair out there - fuck it even if we do loose at least he will entertain us as we do. I reckon Ashley Cole will have another stormer tomorrow - fuck him, he makes me so confused (not in a gay way), he is absolute scum on and off the pitch but damn it I am glad he is British!

The drink took its toll on Butters, he has literally been in bed or the toilet all day. He wet the bed twice last night. Not looking good for him. Funniest fucking thing happened to Gaz. So the Affie Doc perhaps was not the best option, the rash has gone but so have his pubes! The cream made the fuckers fall out! How absolutely brilliant is that! He rekons he can still pull though, he actually claimed he liked it cos it made his little roger look not so little. He claimed that if England win tomorrow he is going to have a threesome with two drunk England fans. Now you might be thinking he has already arranged this and knows a couple up for it, but no no - he just an arrogant wanker that thinks he has that much charm. Now I am rather worried about my long dry spell. Not had one bird out here yet, can't go back home having not banged one. Tomorrow night is the night, I am going to unload on someone - don't care what country and to be honest what they look like - Any Hole is A Goal as they say! Wish same was true for England, then that big Beckham shaped hole in our team would be brilliant! Daz is his usual drunken self...he burnt today, peeled the whole fucking thing of in the pub - that's the way to impress the ladies!

Oh yeah and the fucking frogs are out!! FanBLOODYtastic!

Return of Ronaldo

2010-06-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

Tell ya what the Spics and the Portuguese are going mental over here!! A few of em have clashed in there drunken states...weird to see them not trying to kick us in...

How good were portugal though! I know they were against crap opposition but this is what we like to see ain't it! Some quality skills and some quality football! They ain't going to win the bloody thing, not by a long shot, but they proved they of a good class and have players to build a team round for next time. I am a big fan of theres! Ronaldo has scored...will he now be stopped, can Messi stand up and challenge him! Great week of football ahead!

Spain were quality as well...definitely something to get the vuvuzelas going! Torres will be scoring in no time and in the meantime villa is pooing all over the opposition...they are clearly a force in this tournament and rightly one of the favourites...my money is still on us or the Argies though!

The England camp is nearly as bad as the bloody frogs now. Terry turning round saying one thing, Capello saying another, Lampard stuck in the middle. How are Lampard and Terry the ones talking...stand up 'Stevie G' your meant to be the bloody captain!

The whole day has been crazy! Gaz has finally been given this cream that stops the itching...the rash was turning into sores so hopefully we won't hear his bloody moaning any more! Daz has been shacked up with this bird he met by the pool all day, she is a dutch bird (love them) and literally our walls are too thin, so we have all vacated the premises. They got talking over his massive black eye and he seemed to charm her despite his lack of a personality. My black eye on the other hand has got me nothing but disgraced looks, and the odd quick drink from a camp bartender afraid I'll stir up trouble or something. Butters has just been butters really...there, you don't want him to go - but you don't want him to stay. Just been a great day of watching the football to be honest.

Furious Frogs, Irate Itai's and Brilliant Brazilians

2010-06-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Got to say, I am loving the demise of Italy and France! What the bloody hell is going on over there. So Malouda has an argument with the manager before the tournament and gets benched, then Anelka has an argument after the first game and gets sent home, and then just after the second game, Evra has an argument with some fitness coach and the manager - the team back Evra and refuse to train - some Director of Football quits and flies home and the manager reads out a statement from the players saying they will train in the future but hate the French Football Association. Basically, France are fucked and I am loving it. I was talking to this French geeze by the pool earlier, and no joke, he hates Domenech - can you blame them! At lease I still have hope we will beat Slovenia - this guy had given up all hope! Oh well, bye bye Frogs!

Italy n'all! What the hell is going on there! They are shit this year - World Champions four years ago, struggling to get through the group now. Inter Milan are the champions of Europe though sadly none of there players are Italian. The Itai's around the bar tonight looked so miserable. I will not miss them when they have gone home. They really are a total bunch of posers, and they hold on to their birds like anything. The game was frankly dull as shit, so I went over to this right hottie at the bar (I must admit I was on the brink of being three sheets) and I was just chatting away to her - using the ol' British Charm...and this right ponce of an Itai comes strutting over to me and starts giving it the ol' Italian hand right in my face. This little poncy guy with his gucci sunglasses and his slicked back hair, medallian round his beefy neck, who thinks he is hard just cos he bought a t-shirt a couple sizes too small. They ain't muscles mate thats just fat being squeezed...his arms look like butchers sausages. I couldn't be arsed to have a barney with him so I just shrug him off and carry on chatting with the lady at the bar, apparently she is his missus or something cos he got proper annoyed and went for it. Whipped off his gucci shades and went to plant a scottish kiss right into my chest, Zidane style you know. This, taking me by complete surprise, throws me against the bar. The guy put some force into it, must have been the built up frustration from watching his team be a completely dier bunch of wank (I cant relate having struggled through England Vs Algeria). Lucky Daz and Gaz (still itching his way through the days) got straight up and laid in to the guy. The rest of the Itai's, all trying to hide their tears as New Zealand made them look foolish, shot out their chairs and before you can say Bob's your uncle me, Daz and Gaz were sprinting out the joint (although Gaz was running slightly like John Wayne). Bye Bye Itai's, you can fuck off no one likes you here.

So Brazil are on a fucking rampage, I really can't decide between them and Argentina now. I have to say though, I still reckon the Argies will have them. It just seems like one of those things, so doubted before the cup begins, but turn up with this mental manager who is a legend in the country - the best player in the world rises to the occasion and becomes known to be possibly better then his manager, whilst the manager secures himself in the heart of Argentinian fans despite all his previous wrong doings. Disney couldn't fucking write that shit.

Algeria, Sunburn and STD's...got to love the World Cup

2010-06-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

What a fucking shit game! Could England be any worse! 0-0 against the algies!! that is a joke!! what the fuck is heskey still doing on that pitch!! I want to see Joe Cole rip the slovenians apart! Rooney going to complain about us booing!! I want to see him actually turn up! He has looked absolutely knackered out there so far, it's time to man up Roon; its the world cup - time to run yourself into the fucking ground!

Tell you what though, it was mental after the game. England fans went crazy...I have never been so drunk! We started drinking first thing in the morning...Gaz couldn't, his slight rash condition means he had to go see a doc, not sure I would trust an Affie doc. But me, Butters and Daz all hit the pool bar. Butter's got wasted after his usual three and fell asleep on a sunbed. We felt bad to leave him there but the bar down the road was showing the football and we had to mosey on down. So when he finally joined us down there, after the Germany game, after the Slovenia game, (he had been asleep the whole time) he finally strolled into the bar - he was burnt like a motherfucker! He literally looked like he was the birth child of a carrot. So sadly when we were all jumping around screaming at Rooney to actually fucking move, Butters had to leave because everytime a sweaty Brit bashed into him he let out the most girl like scream you have ever heard.

Gaz was meant to join us at half-time. He never showed, and is still stuck in his room now refusing to come out. Guess the doc's news wasn't the best. So it was just me and Daz sitting through the hell that was the second half of England versus Algeria. I would say it was the most boring game I have ever seen if it wasn't for the crazy atmosphere. Vuvuzela's everywhere! It was mental! This one twat screamed "lets all have a fucking party" and the place erupted, we were all up for drowning our sorr'os and forgetting that we were here for another three weeks but england would be out in another few days. I hit the jaegerbombs hard! Daz was drinking some mental local spirit which he had grown to love. He stole this guys Vuvuzela and got punch in his face, I fucking sprinted across the room like a fucking mental and through a fist into the guys face. Sadly I didn't quite realise how abosolutely huge he was and he literally beat the shit out us both as others just watched in horror. I have never ran from a place so fast, my eye fucking pounding as I could feel the black eye appearing already, the swelling growing like mad. I looked at Daz's face to see that he was bleeding from his nose, mouth and above his eye. We came here to fight the fucking Krauts, not get done over by our own bloody fans. The night didn't end that badly though, we bumped into some celebrating Serbs who thought they would treat us to a few drinks to ease our pain. These guys were huge, each one of them looked like Vidic. Wish they were there to back us up.

I am absolutely dying of a hangover today. I am cream crackered and desperate for sleep and asprin. England are shit, and heading out the World Cup, and all the hopes I put on Wayne fucking Rooney have been shoved right back up my ass like a bumboys dildo. And all that awaits me at home, is that big ol' fucking debt - why I bet England would win the fucking thing I have no idea. Alcohol makes you do strange things.

Parties in paradise

2010-06-13T17:04:00.001-07:00

You won't believe what it is like out here! You really do have to see it to believe it! Not so much the football, well except sadly the krauts, but the parties are mental. Not had any rucks yet, well a knocked the fuck out of 1 yank but he didn't half deserve it. Been lovin it far too much to get in a barney. It is impossible to nark me when I am in this paradise.

The plane flight was awesome. Me and the lads (gaz, dazza and butters) all got absolutely wrecked. Drinks have a bloody strong affect when your up in a plane. I made a right cock of myself with the air hostess. I asked for my 6th vodka and coke and I could've sworn she was flirting with me, so when she wandered back up to near the toilets are, you know where the trolley dollys all hang out, I went up over to her and asked her if she fancied letting me take her a mile high. She didn't. She did feel the need to slap me and refuse to serve us for the rest of the flight.

So first night was mental. We did some hardcore drinking and didn't even make it out the hotel. Gaz scored some blow off some affie that worked in the hotel. You gotta try the African shit, there stuff is pure! We parties till late and slept through the opening ceremony and s.Africa game the next day. I think the only thing that woke us was there partying, and they don't half fucking party.

So the night s.Africa drew the game and the competition started the whole place went fricking mental. We started with some more of the coke that the affie sold us, gave us a good kick start for the night. We went down to this bar and all the affies were going mental, all the fans from other teams were joining as well. I got absolutely battered with daz and butters and we all ended up passed put on sun beds by the hotel pool. Gaz on the other hand got absolutely fucked, literally. He says all he can remember is doing some tequila shots with this affie beauty and then waking up and seeing the same beauty standing across the room naked. I tell you what though he weren't half fucking shocked when she started screaming at him asking for her money. She was a fucking prossie!

After gaz relayed all that shit to us we trundled our very hungover selves to get some breakfast and watch the football. We stayed there all day and got plied with drink by some beauty of an affie barmaids. The argie's fucking won, but to be fair they look decent, gotta say if not us there probably win the thing. God I hope it's not the fuckin krauts, I ain't come all this was to see that. But rob fucking green! What a twat! He really is a right tit! I was loaded with drink, right up for the game and then he goes and does that. I drowned my sorrow with some wife-beater and we all got wrecked. Then we straggled back to our temporary gaff and some fuckin yanks were winding us right up. Thucis one guy kept fking shouting about how green showed everything about England, "always dropping the ball", he just wound me right up and I ended up nuttin him. Think I broke his fucking nose. Ah well, deserved!

So yeah felt pretty rough today and didn't help having to watch the Krauts light the fucking tourno up. Plus gaz pissing me off moaning about how he is getting all itchy. Anyway tomorrow we can look forward to Japs getting stuffed by the Cammies, got that one down as 2-0 to Cameroon. Netherlands gone fuck the danes 2-0 an all I reckon. Italy is gonna be dull as fuck, I reckon they are right shit. Paraguay ain't bad though, still saying 0-0 though if you having a gamble. I plan to be actually wrecked on the floor by the Itai game!

Announcements and Preperations

2010-06-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

Today I am preparing for the summer of a lifetime!! I have my flight booked to South Africa and ready to have a mash up! The squads been announced, no Walcott - thank god! Useless fuck in any case...he only has the one trick and that is full of pelting it at the defence...no need for a Gooner in the team. We are going to fucking win this World Cup and I am gonna be out there lovin it! Shame not all the lads could get tickets, Jon still has his ban on. Me and him went down the station earlier dropped off his passport. As soon as we walked out he turns round to me and says "make sure you beat the shit out of the krauts when your there mate". I just looked at him and gave him a knowing nod in return, cos I tell ya what...I bloody will as well!

So England preparing to go apparently, well so am I mate. Can't fucking wait, whilst Capello was tellin the fella's that they ain't making the trip, I was down the pub with my fella's planning on where to get the first bit of the action. Jon is our very own Walcott, sadly just missed out on this one...maybe next time though mate. Got absolutely hammered that night though, can't fucking wait, whole trip gonna be just like it.